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Feminspire | April 24, 2014

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Women Will Marry Whomever We Want (A Response to “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends”)

Women Will Marry Whomever We Want (A Response to “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends”)

Hey there. Over here! I’m certain you’ve just misplaced us. No doubt we’re still chained to your bed or stuck in the kitchen baking an endless supply of cupcakes.

We’re women, and LGBT friends, we understand your pain. Many of us are among your ranks. Being marginalized blows, and not in the way any of us like. So we laughed when we saw the satirical video you made to fight your cause. And, honestly, any relationship built on mutual interests, communication, and Food Network-style gourmet cooking sounds awesome to us.

So when the self-elected spokesmen for the straight male community decided to respond, we were sure that your sarcastic threat would at least be respected for the message behind it: support marriage equality.

Our women brains couldn’t have made a sillier assumption.

“We’re allowed to get married, and we still don’t want to,” our darling boyfriends and would-be lovers coo. “What, you don’t think we could get married if we wanted to? If we thought marrying our girlfriends was going to be awesome, we’d do it ourselves.”

Thank goodness no one listens to us when we speak, because I just had a startling thought: How about we marry – or don’t marry — whomever the fuck we want?

What, you thought if women didn’t have their monthly semen quota pumped into them each month, we’d shrivel up and die? Because the best part of being your girlfriend is having 24/7 access to your dick?

As a matter of fact, our vibrators care more about our sexual gratification, and they keep up with our ability to repeatedly orgasm. We don’t need to snuggle afterward in order to feel fulfilled. And they’re waterproof. We couldn’t get you to shower regularly if we begged on our knees.

Oh, we’re stereotyping? You seem to think we find that sexy… well right back ‘atcha, stud!

Back to us on our knees: Sorry that isn’t our greeting stance when you waltz through the door after work to a home-cooked meal with our 2.5 kids. Which is, of course, always our endgame.

That is, if you do us the honor of proposing, or at least take us to dinner and a movie. But too nice of a date can be risky: “If we did, our girlfriends would immediately start picking out wedding dresses, farting in front of us, and naming our unborn children!” straight men cry. “Which is absolutely insane!”

But, oh… wait! We don’t physically need you in order to have a child? But who will carry them for nine months? Go through hours of labor? Provide food and shelter through hard-earned wages?

Oh, we can do that all on our own? We control our reproductive organs? We can support a child because we make up more of the college educated adults in the workforce than you?

Why, yes! We’re CEOs, not corporate hoes. And we’ll fart in our offices to our hearts content.

Speaking of hoes, let’s talk sex-shaming! “All girls are closet lesbians, and the kind of threesome they want to have involves another girl,” the straight men say. “And of course, we’re cool with that.”

As long as those lesbians don’t want to get married after our threesome or your porno ends, right? It’s not like they’d ever want to marry your girlfriends. It’s not like they’ve had vaginas their whole lives, to explore inside and out for maximum pleasure. And they might actually go down on us, for a change.

We should start calling you Mel Gibson for your extensive knowledge of what women want: “They want to get married almost as much as you [gay] guys do, if not more,” straight men say.

But don’t think this blasé attitude on gay men marrying the straight women the straight men have rejected means they don’t support same-sex marriage… as long as you invite them to the wedding, which is guaranteed to be “jammed packed full of drunken sluts.”

But if straight men do choose to settle down, we better be virgins when we hit the sheets on our wedding night. A key that unlocks many doors is a good key. A lock that many keys can open is a bad lock, isn’t that how the saying goes?

Sorry, we don’t get metaphors that involve power tools or sports.

We know not all straight men share these beliefs. I’m pretty sure these days we have to agree to marry you, not just be traded for a cow, and we wouldn’t do that if there weren’t mutual respect and love in our relationship.

But please, take into consideration that women also have the choice not to marry you. Or sleep with you. Or give you our phone number. That’s what happens when more of us vote than you do.

Written by Lauren Slavin

  • Laura Kent

    Okay I am laughing forever at the sheer stupidity of that second video. How fucking inept are these people.
    You have a video that in an amusing way, presents proposed qualities and priorities of gay men and straight women alike that are genuinely and undeniably desirable and endearing by any reasonable human standard – cooking, listening, relating, liked by parents, actively engaging in someone’s interests. Even when it criticises straight men it’s only on small things, or the focus is on why gay men are better than straight men, not why straight men are shit.

    Then the response video says ‘oh well but men are rough, aggressive, uncaring, disrespectful to family members, uninterested…’. Who the fuck is that meant to get on side? What fucking pedestal have we put men on in which they can think it’s okay to go around saying I am all these bad/shit/incompetent things and that’s some how… championed because I’m also a bloke?

    As long as you’re a human being, if you don’t want to listen to someone you supposedly care about and occasionally engage with their interests/put theirs before yours, you are being completely shit and you should get the fuck away from them. It’s not something to strive toward or feel triumphant about ~getting out of~.

    • Laura Kent

      Excuse how riled up I am about this but COME ON I can’t stop. There are two very clear differences between the two videos:
      The first is funny in delivery and has a positive message, the second obviously isn’t (and potentially could have been, in my opinion, but isn’t even really trying) and doesn’t.
      The first’s line of argument is ‘Your girlfriends would rather marry us because we are nice people to be married to, see example of this list of stereotypical gay man traits that are all flattering’. The second’s line of argument is ‘We don’t want to marry our girlfriends anyway because WE are SHIT people to be married to, see example of this list of stereotypical straight man traits that are all largely unflattering, unless they’re about sex’. Isn’t it obvious that that isn’t just a BAD argument, it doesn’t even make any sense?!!?!?!?!?!

      • Lauren Slavin

        I totally agree. And I think it would be just as shitty is straight girls made a video saying, “Marry our boyfriends so we have more time to go dancing and grind on other dudes!”

        You have a right others are fighting for, and you have your head stuck so far up your privileged ass, you don’t care if they’re marrying the person they love or taking a “weight” off your shoulders.

        • Liane Graham

          But that would never happen, because we’re all too busy shopping, seeing musicals and naming our unborn children, remember?

          • Lauren Slavin

            I am so sorry.

  • Rachael Kay Albers

    What enrages me so much is that the makers of the video are not only taking a swing at the LGBT movement but they’re also pummeling women, reverting to tired “Omg women and marriage R kRaZyYyY!” jokes — >:-0 patriarchy PER USUAL.

  • Sashiko

    Both videos make sweeping generalizations. That women want to get married. They are chatty, share all their feelings, and need a guy to spend time with and do things for them.

    I don’t know about you ladies but i’m strong, independent, intelligent, and usually quiet.

    I saw the first video and thought well they’re trying to be humorous. But i still couldn’t find it funny because it still treats a woman as an object. And makes the assumptions i listed above.

    And what about asexuality? It seems to be ignored in the whole LGTBQ addendum.

  • Malewithsenseofhumour

    you guys realize this is a joke right? Don’t get your panties in a knot.

    • Alisse Marie

      You do realize that not all jokes are funny, right? And you do realize that you can’t tell anyone what they can and can’t be offended by, right? Don’t be such a douche.

    • Angry feminist

      I’m really glad this man was here to let us know what is a joke and what isn’t. My poor feminist brain can’t really discern that anymore.

    • Alanna

      Huh. Really? I would never have figured that out on my own. Maybe I would have realized sooner if this video actually made my laugh.

      Truth is, this “joke” has crossed the line into tastelessness. I am offended that I am being marginalized and stereotyped as simple and clingy. Perhaps you need to do a little more research about feminism.

      Also, my panties are none of your business. Kindly refrain from thinking about them lest you let slip a “joke” that offends our simple minds.

    • Teah Abdullah

      This article was written funnily too. You don’t seem to be laughing, “malewithsenseofhumour”

    • Meryl White
  • Karmoon

    If you think about it, there’s no end to generalisations.

    This vid isn’t representative of all homosexual men. The person that linked this to me was homosexual and as far away from this image as you could imagine.

    I think most normal homosexuals just want to get on with their life. So this article is pretty unbalanced from that perspective.

    But some enter this weird power dynamic trying to ‘take’ women (as if they are objects). I just think it’s bizarre. It’d be like me trying to seduce another guy to make sure a girl couldn’t get him… I mean…I can’t even imagine why anyone would want to do that.

    They say sexuality is a grey scale, rather than black and white. In my mind events like this and how people react to it kind of proves it.

    I’ve seen more homosexual males slap girls’ butts and squeeze their boobs than straight guys.
    They seemed to think it’s fun and should be encouraged. I think it’s fucking deplorable. Respecting people’s body space is a fundamental to everyone, right?

  • Molly Zhen

    Hey, I realize that these videos have pressed buttons, but reacting with rage is not going to solve anything. Being emotional isn’t bad, but it does not necessarily elicit respect. If anything, angry words and angry voices only create conflict and suppress opposing views. While ‘malewithasenseofhumor’ did have a rather snarky comment, and the emotional reactions to it were justified, the way you all suppressed his remark and removed it from the boundaries of rational conversation here was rather upsetting.
    Be kind, be on good terms with people. Make a difference. :)

    • Alisse Marie

      Thing is, though, you don’t get to tell people how to react. My default emotion is anger and I’m not about to suppress that to appease anyone.

  • Breanne Munro

    Here is the response from Straight Women – and I got to kiss a girl! #supportgaymarriage

  • Kaity Neagle

    we agreed with you – so we made a video of our own. “Ladies Respond to ‘Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends’”

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  • Amanda Griffin

    I actually thought it was pretty funny….because it wasn’t really mean spirited. It was more of a *ahem* ball-busting tone. The original video that this is responding to wasn’t really aimed at the guys in the video above, it was for the backwoods Jesus Nazis who think all gay men should be burned at the stake (and to them, having a gay man marry their girlfriend is terrifying). Given, the guys in the video above do come off as douchebags, but it they were so over the top douchey by resorting to all the macho sterotypes, I got the sense they were poking fun at themselves at the same time.