Hey there. Over here! I’m certain you’ve just misplaced us. No doubt we’re still chained to your bed or stuck in the kitchen baking an endless supply of cupcakes.
We’re women, and LGBT friends, we understand your pain. Many of us are among your ranks. Being marginalized blows, and not in the way any of us like. So we laughed when we saw the satirical video you made to fight your cause. And, honestly, any relationship built on mutual interests, communication, and Food Network-style gourmet cooking sounds awesome to us.
So when the self-elected spokesmen for the straight male community decided to respond, we were sure that your sarcastic threat would at least be respected for the message behind it: support marriage equality.
Our women brains couldn’t have made a sillier assumption.
“We’re allowed to get married, and we still don’t want to,” our darling boyfriends and would-be lovers coo. “What, you don’t think we could get married if we wanted to? If we thought marrying our girlfriends was going to be awesome, we’d do it ourselves.”
Thank goodness no one listens to us when we speak, because I just had a startling thought: How about we marry – or don’t marry — whomever the fuck we want?
What, you thought if women didn’t have their monthly semen quota pumped into them each month, we’d shrivel up and die? Because the best part of being your girlfriend is having 24/7 access to your dick?
As a matter of fact, our vibrators care more about our sexual gratification, and they keep up with our ability to repeatedly orgasm. We don’t need to snuggle afterward in order to feel fulfilled. And they’re waterproof. We couldn’t get you to shower regularly if we begged on our knees.
Oh, we’re stereotyping? You seem to think we find that sexy… well right back ‘atcha, stud!
Back to us on our knees: Sorry that isn’t our greeting stance when you waltz through the door after work to a home-cooked meal with our 2.5 kids. Which is, of course, always our endgame.
That is, if you do us the honor of proposing, or at least take us to dinner and a movie. But too nice of a date can be risky: “If we did, our girlfriends would immediately start picking out wedding dresses, farting in front of us, and naming our unborn children!” straight men cry. “Which is absolutely insane!”
But, oh… wait! We don’t physically need you in order to have a child? But who will carry them for nine months? Go through hours of labor? Provide food and shelter through hard-earned wages?
Oh, we can do that all on our own? We control our reproductive organs? We can support a child because we make up more of the college educated adults in the workforce than you?
Why, yes! We’re CEOs, not corporate hoes. And we’ll fart in our offices to our hearts content.
Speaking of hoes, let’s talk sex-shaming! “All girls are closet lesbians, and the kind of threesome they want to have involves another girl,” the straight men say. “And of course, we’re cool with that.”
As long as those lesbians don’t want to get married after our threesome or your porno ends, right? It’s not like they’d ever want to marry your girlfriends. It’s not like they’ve had vaginas their whole lives, to explore inside and out for maximum pleasure. And they might actually go down on us, for a change.
We should start calling you Mel Gibson for your extensive knowledge of what women want: “They want to get married almost as much as you [gay] guys do, if not more,” straight men say.
But don’t think this blasé attitude on gay men marrying the straight women the straight men have rejected means they don’t support same-sex marriage… as long as you invite them to the wedding, which is guaranteed to be “jammed packed full of drunken sluts.”
But if straight men do choose to settle down, we better be virgins when we hit the sheets on our wedding night. A key that unlocks many doors is a good key. A lock that many keys can open is a bad lock, isn’t that how the saying goes?
Sorry, we don’t get metaphors that involve power tools or sports.
We know not all straight men share these beliefs. I’m pretty sure these days we have to agree to marry you, not just be traded for a cow, and we wouldn’t do that if there weren’t mutual respect and love in our relationship.
But please, take into consideration that women also have the choice not to marry you. Or sleep with you. Or give you our phone number. That’s what happens when more of us vote than you do.
Written by Lauren Slavin