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Feminspire | April 21, 2014

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Why I Don’t Date White Men

Why I Don’t Date White Men

A few weeks ago, on my lunch­break at work, I posted up on a vacant stool at the dollar slice place down the street from my office and began munching on a garlic and red pepper­sprinkled cheese slice. A few bites in, I heard a voice next to me say, ‘you work at that publishing office right?’ I pivoted slightly on my stool, recognizing the guy speaking to me as a subtenant in one the rental spaces my office leases out. I was a bit embarrassed that I hadn’t recognized him sitting right next to me, but we chatted briefly as we finished up our pizza. Oddly, our short conversation centered on southern fundamentalist evangelism, despite neither of us (presumably) subscribing to that particular brand of belief. Still, it was a pleasant and humorous exchange, after which we casually departed and I headed back to work.

Since then, I’ve bumped into this same guy around the office a couple of times and it has seemed like he’s been locking me in these awkwardly prolonged conversations. At first I dismissed it as that sort of uncomfortably extended small talk in which so many people inexplicably feel obliged to engage. Now, however, I’m beginning to think this may be something else… dare I say it, flirting.

I’m a 22-year-old woman, so the concept isn’t exactly foreign to me. What is foreign to me however is the skin color of my partner in these flirtations ­– he’s a white guy. In order to put the peculiarity of that detail in context, I must confess that I am Black.

As a Black woman, not only have I never dated a white guy but, admittedly, I tend to have a rather entrenched policy against dating them. That decision has a lot to do with how I understand my identity as a Black woman. For one, I am not one of those Black people who ever self­identifies as one who just happens to be Black. That’s a thoughtless description tossed around a lot, which implicitly translates to ‘I’m Black by happenstance. I distance myself from what is conventionally (read, negatively) understood as Black. Everything I do, I do not as a Black person, but as an individual. I can and do happily blend in with the norm.’ Now we all know that whiteness predominates what defines the norm in our society. So when people elect to describe themselves as folks who ‘just happen to be black,’ it’s a deliberate signal to society that they are Black only to the extent that the have to be (visibly). They are saying that their Blackness is not the sort that rocks the boat — that in fact, their identity could be readily swiped with any other random (read white) person’s in the world. In so doing, these folks, however unintentionally, are diminishing the value of their Blackness.

To be clear, I am not one of those people.

My Black identity is affirmative and willful, and traces, if not big ass messy footprints of my Black identity can be found in just about everything I say and do.

This pro­-Black lifestyle, as my mother calls it (a gross oversimplification to be sure), is really just my embrace of, and clear reckoning with, the reality that the life I’ve lived has been one colored with experience based on the color of my skin and the kinkiness of my hair. But this rather obvious fact tends to be off­-putting to many white people, and tends not to be particularly alluring to white men interested in stepping outside of the color box when it comes to dating. Rather irrationally I would judge, it’s perceived as a confrontation when most white people I encounter are reminded of racial difference between themselves and others. They get really defensive. I would imagine the defensiveness and resentment to be especially acute in a space as intimate as dating, wherein people ideally expect to be able to strip themselves of all identity tags and simply exist as souls in love. But I believe that no one at any time in their life is ever not who they are. And the choice to ignore a difference as obvious and magnificently unique as one’s racial/ethnic background constitutes an investment in the blindness that privilege conditions in white people.

My policy against dating white men exists in part because I’m not in the business of coddling privilege. Rather, I’m in the business of unsettling privilege ­– of waking it up in the middle of the night by dumping a bucket of water on it, and telling it to run five miles before dawn. That business also entails checking my own privileges. In my mind, that means that the hypothetical relationship I imagine between myself and a white man wouldn’t go very far. I would be compelled to hold this man accountable to recognizing his white male privilege, while he would likely resist the discomfort of learning that his actions and words reinforce pernicious systems of oppression which oppress masses of people everywhere. So I err towards circumventing the tension by writing the possibility of dating white men out of the realm of possibility altogether.

Personally, I have also had trouble imagining intimate relationships with white men. This is because the history of oppression, exploitation, and dehumanization of Black women’s bodies by white men is searingly painful and enraging for me. Too often, vestiges of that uneven historical relationship are present in my mind and invariably color my observations of contemporary black woman/white man interactions. I don’t necessarily feel that Black women in these situations are disempowered to the extent that say, an enslaved woman was, but I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship. And that’s not fair. Beyond simply not being fair, curbing someone’s exercise of human agency, whether intentional or not, is in my book is a small form of violence. Challenging that unfairness and that violence is hard as the person affected by it. It is made a thousand times more difficult and unfair when one is burdened with the charge to challenge their partner ­– a partner obliviously exacting that restraint as a result of their privilege. I don’t pretend that on the whole, racialized inequality in relationships goes uncontested by the black women affected, but I know that a thorough understanding of privilege evades more people than it should, so I can assume that inequality in relationships persists more often than it is addressed. Because I’d rather spare myself the complicated confusion of loving someone who oppresses me, (an oppression compounded by race and gender inequality) and the headache induced by hitting fortified walls of privilege when attempting to challenge that oppression, I steer clear of white men as romantic partners.

My outlook may not be particularly fair to individuals. For the subtenant guy from my office, it may suck a little bit that I’m not particularly responsive to his woos. He’s a conventionally attractive white man who seems cool, and I think hanging out with him platonically would be fun. However, I’m more interested in protecting myself, and preserving the integrity of my personal politics than I am in indulging this man in his arbitrarily piqued interest in me. My singular rejection of this guy is just one loss for him in the arsenal of many wins afforded him at birth for no reason other than the fact that he was born a white guy. His expectation of universal access to all colors of women is just another of his privileges that I, in this instance, am disrupting. And it doesn’t bother me that I am the one doling out that one minor upset.

Written by Kristen Maye

  • Sevika Balachandra

    I’m a white woman. I’ve dated a Kenyan man and an Indian (Asian) man. I was in love with them. Does that count as coddling privilege on anyone’s part?

  • Flora Bezerra

    I for one support that individuals are individuals no matter their skin color and I tend to go from there… I wonder what sort of things you would have to say to a white guy with a policy of not dating black girls. Plus, not everyone is a racist or an enemy. The same way you acknowledge your privileges many “white” people do too, not to mention the ones that are “mixed” races but look “white”.

    • angle

      She haves the right like or not to dislike who ever she wants and not be viewed as racist, white men have top pick to any race of beutifull women they like. You’ll can’t have them all and then get made because one see’s a problem that is not fare to others. The media will always try to cover this up by telling different races to date white men and I think that’s wrong. God had already map out who we are supose to be with and man always try to change gods doings by sayng its not true or god is not real. Iam a sister to and I on your side if people like it or not. I been marryed to my hushand for 3 yrs and we been together since high school. Iam only 23years old and I feel people are trying to break up the black community! They been targeting are black women on commercials and magazines for some years now. Don’t give up we have to be strong and Faith in are people and god. It is not always about money. I don’t think this is fare to my son or my brothers that have been single for years now that all are beutifull women are turning against them and they will never have a chance to follow the parents foot steps!

      • Jeff

        Try going back to school and learning the English the rest of us were clearly taught. You have no verbal comprehension in your writing.

    • Tortor

      “… I wonder what sort of things you would have to say to a white guy with a policy of not dating black girls.” I wish I could stop you right there. It’s not the same. I DO feel that the author assuming literally every or any white man that approaches her wants to erase her black identity with his privilege is harsh- she has a right to own damn feelings. She probably has never met some white dude that has NOT also lived up to exactly those expectations. We do not live in an equal society where everyone is just a free form individual snow flake of respected humanity. The world is literally dominated by white male culture. When you say “people first” you disregard that BLACK IS A TYPE OF PEOPLE. Or that Latino is a type of people or (less popular with being granted “people” status in liberal/social justice circles but a people none the less)that Jewish is a type of people.

      • jonny

        Slow down. She didn’t say any of the stuff you just said. Where did you read that?

    • Ninjette

      Yeah because you know what a long history black women have of fetishsing white men. I’m sure a lot of white people acknowledge their privileges, i personally have never experienced but i’m not holding strangers accountable because of that, but this isn’t racist on her behalf the same way it is when white men say they don’t want to date black women. White men’s reasons are usually insulting to black women’s behavior and appearance(hell I can’t even begin to tell you how many white boys I went to school with that would look up Latina and Black Woman porn in public places just to make fun of their vaginas) and her reasons have to do with her fear of being intimate with somebody who doesn’t even have the closest idea or will be able to understand what it is like to navigate the world with dark skin. Women of color are constantly told they will never be as beautiful as white women thru advertisement, media, and even our peers, we come to expect those kinds of judgement from the world around us as a survival tactic, not because we’re being oppressors of polite white boys because those little boys pick up on those messages as well and even when they’re not bad people subconsciously pass them on. I’d never date a white man that couldn’t accept his white privilege and the fact that him, as a cis male white heterosexual, benefits most from the patriarchy. I’m not saying those aren’t around, I’m just saying I’m not holding my breath.

    • Savvy Dee

      she’s not saying everyone is a racist. she is allowed to date people that she is comfortable with, and there is nothing wrong with that. given history’s clear definitions of the behavior of white people towards people of color, a white man with a similar distinction against black girls, for painfully obvious reasons, would not hold the same kind of weight. white people have historically held a dehumanizing disdain from a place of power over people of color- and people of color have NOT always had the power to hold a similar disdain for white people. especially not women.

    • James

      I happen to have never dated outside my skin color. Because I’m white, I sometimes worry about this. Because I am also a man, I start to inherently feel like a terrible person because of this. And my philosophy of “I’ll treat everyone like equals” starts to make me feel both extremely naive and hurt, in more ways than one, after any big sort of deconstruction article like this. Writing about race feels so tricky, because it’s almost impossible to not come across like you’re trying to speak for your whole group…which is also impossible. And, of course, in that game, nobody wins.
      White men unavoidably come out of it with the least moral points…but then again, heck, we probably deserve that.

  • Kitt

    I think that your reasons for not dating white men are perfectly valid. As for the other people who commented before me, it doesn’t quite work like that. Anyway, I just hope that while you might not date white men because of the conflicts that would arise due to privilege that you are still working to educate white men that you know about these issues. I know personally that it’s really difficult to inform others of their privilege, but I think if we can manage to make people at least start thinking about them by bringing them up, then we can make progress as a society. c: Happy dating!

  • Lix Spangles

    I find parts of this post disturbing. Is it coz I’m white?

    • monkeyangst

      Partly, sure. I’m a white man, and a lot of my distaste for this article’s points comes from the fact that, well, no one likes to hear “I don’t date your kind,” even if they have no interest in dating the person who said it, and even if it is followed by “and here’s why.”

    • Bibliophile

      I found it disturbing too. It’s probably because I’m not black enough.

    • evesforeva

      No, everyone feels uncomfortable when they don’t get something because of their skin color. Luckily, all you’re being kept from is one woman’s cootchie, rather than education, job opportunities, freedom from being profiled as a criminal or terrorist, justice for the murder of your son…

      • Bryce Jones

        education and job opportunities? have you heard of affirmitive action? To get education and employment one must actually go out and seek it, which lots do.

  • Helena

    you go girl! it’s not often that you see people stick to their guns when it comes to their politics applied to their romantic/sex life. it’s really great that you are strong enough to do so!

  • Laila

    My father is black, and my mother is half white, half islander. No matter who I date, unless their mix is the EXACT SAME as mine, I am dating outside of my race. I understand and respect this article, but I would be hurt if someone would say to me, “Well, I like the white part of you….but sorry, the rest is not just going to work.” Sounds extreme and that’s not necessarily what you’re saying, but for me, that’s how it would work. I’m not “part this” and “part that”, I am mixed. Plain and simple. I’m also an American, and would prefer that people refer to me us such. Shout out to all the ignorant people out there, if you ask me my nationality, the correct answer is AMERICAN. Nationality = nation.

    • Tyrone Howard

      Sounds to me like you’ve got more than a drop in your blood. Agree or not, our society has labeled you as black even though most of what you said is correct.

      • Laila

        True, a lot of my life, I wasn’t “black enough” for black people and I wasn’t “white enough” or “islander enough” for whites and islanders. This is why I prefer just American, because that is what I am.

        • Mixed girl

          As a mixed girl myself, I know EXACTLY what you mean about not being “black enough” or “white enough”. Except in my case I’m mixed with more than two races so you can imagine how challenging it was to fit in :


          • sara

            But you don’t have to fit in, you are an individual… Just enjoy your cultural diversity.

    • Lauren

      Normally I don’t comment on articles I read like this, but I had to respond to this: my father is also black and my mother is half white, half Asian. Everything you said spoke to my reaction! Thank you.

      • Laila

        Omg no way! Haha well I’m glad you can relate (:

      • Jay Simons

        I’m parts Apache Indian and Scandinavian, my wife is Thai..We both are American.Our son is absolutely adorable!

    • adilrye

      Man…I get aspects of this, that this idea that “white men can get women of any races”, while white women are almost “off limits” to coloured men, irks me a lot. And yes, it’s important to note cultural differences will arise and someone’s gotta give: either he recognizes and respects your views or you give up and just accept (if this is the case) his privileged views of the world.

      THAT BEING SAID, I can’t condone this. I feel leftist social justice warriors stop viewing human beings as human beings (ironically) and see people as symbols. Okay, he’s white and a male, so oppressor. And I’m black and female, oppressed. So, we can’t date.

      I don’t get it. I’m of the one love mentality, and I love and have been attracted to women of all races, mixes and nationalities. People find this weird sometimes, how I never have a “type” (what they mean is race). As a brown South Asian descended guy, I love women of my race, but I’ve dated white, Asian and black too.

      At the same time, and yes, this sounds horrible. I’m not gonna go out of my way to defend a white guy’s right to date coloured women. Especially since so few white women date out of their race.

      • Courtney P. Chesney

        Love your statement! My husband is a white man, therefore he oppresses me? I don’t think so. I am surprised that one as young as the author has these feelings. I suppose the thing I take away most is her over simplification of all of the parties life and cultural experiences. Every black person in this country does not feel oppressed by whites or any other group. Some of us are children of privilege ourselves and comport ourselves as such, does that mean we are the oppressors of the less fortunate members of our shared race? I think the author is missing out on the joy of diverse relationships and the intimate exposure to other cultures those romances provide. A good match is one who gets your jokes, thinks you are beautiful and smart and can’t wait to hold you in his or her arms. He or she is not a particular colour, ever.

        • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

          Your just lost sister!

          • Courtney P. Chesney

            In what way?

        • Jenny

          I complete agree with you Courtney! I believe that the author is entitled to her own opinion, but I don’t see the point in living this way! Love is beautiful and hard to find. What does it matter what color it is? I know it’s important for people to understand how certain people are more privileged than others, but does thinking that way all of the time really make anyone happy?

      • erinmichelle

        There is just something more than a little uncomfortable about this all for me too. People are attracted to all kinds of things, and skin color plays a role. And yes – we must acknowledge the privileges that many of us are afforded because of skin color. I appreciate hearing this voice… but I am a white woman about to marry a black man. The most negative reactions we get are from black women… who often aren’t interested in dating him anyway. There are no hard and fast rules. You like who you like, and despite skin color, your experiences and contexts also shape so much about you which plays important roles in your relationships.

        Do what you want, no judgements here, but you might be missing out on a really great person. Just saying.

    • Jonathan Glasman

      I agree with you completely. If someone were to tell me that they don’t date white people, my feelings would be very hurt. No one should ever be marginalized for how they were born. Also she WAS saying that it’s all about skin color. She will not date this guy because of the color of his skin and justifies being cold because a number of white men were cruel to black women over a century ago. Even if we were living in the 1800′s, I’d still disagree with reasoning. Some white men raped black women, but not all of them. You cannot hold a group responsible for the actions of some. This is basic humanity, and it shouldn’t have to be explained. As a white male, I don’t want people to see me as a villain or think that they can treat me poorly because some white men were evil, heartless people. No one should be stereotyped in such a way.

      • Justme

        “some white men were evil, heartless people”? White men have a proven history of being evil and heartless.

        Also, the fact that you see the privilege afforded to white men and their abuse of people as a result of it as something only occurring “a century ago” or during “the 1800s” is a pure indicator of your ignorance towards your privilege.

        This woman is completely justified in the way she feels and in her conscious choice not to date white men.

        If basic humanity shouldn’t have to be explained, then please tell that to the employers, financial institutions, educational institutions, and legal institutions of America. Please explain to the white men who run these institutions that people of color should be judged upon the basis of humanity. Do you think even if we begged and pleaded and appealed to all the humanity that could be found in a person, it would change how they treat me or my people? Do you think I would be thought of as any less of a “villain” or treated any less “poorly”?

        As you can see, it doesn’t matter how you “want” to be seen, yet you still expect the author, me, and anyone and anyone else to see you as good just because you “want” them to. Ah… White privilege at its best.

        • Kaiden

          So its cool to stereotype now based on past actions? If there was a consistent definition of the word racist you would fit it.

          Lots of ignorance and bigotry in your comment. How about you take responsibility for yourself and quit blaming everything on “the evil white man”.

          • Bee

            it isn’t about stereotyping at all. it’s about the excersise of blatant privilege that has been deeply rooted in white culture. obviously you do not understand the concept of that.. it’s not about being evil or blaming things on white men. but everything she said IS right (besides her opinion of course). when you gather the full concept of white male privilege and how it affects others in everyday situations (knowingly privileged or not) you would continue to feel attacked.. where was the blame in the article? it was about dating… what responsibility? lol stop.

          • D. Wilson

            No, the action is PRESENT. Racism Is – period. It’s not a “was” or “once upon a time.” It’s NOW. And the reason racism Is, is because the overreaching White populace is more interested in being defensive about racism than listening to Black people without interjecting themselves into what should be a one-way conversation.

            Ask yourself this: if you’re not Black in America what gives you the right or the thought that it’s right to determine what is and what is not racism when we live in a racist society built by White people, for White people — and NO ONE else.

            And what’s more confounding, to me, at least, is the fact that this country was built by WHITE MEN for WHITE MEN; White women are excluded. To them, the bottom line is that White women can produce White baby boys. A Handmaid’s Tale is not that far from the way White men within the U.S. power structure feel about White women. Just look at the objectification of White women in nearly every commercial; it’s not an accident.

            So, it’s really confounding for me, as a Black man, to see White women fall for the “okey-doke” and not see that, much more often than not, you are treated in much the same way all Black people are treated, the disparaging words, phrases, applications of law, etc are female-oriented rather than race-oriented, but the goal is the same – to disparage you enough to make you see yourself as less than worthy then your White male “masters.”

            Still don’t believe me? Ask yourself this: how many anorexic and bulimic White men do you see???? And then watch how many different male body types and watch how many men who would never be perceived as “traditionally handsome” there are in commercials —- and watch how the women with them are almost always of one type – attractive.

          • Really?

            making a judgement based on anyone’s appearance is wrong.
            So plain and simple children understand it. If you are going to hold people accountable for what their ancestors did, then let’s go harass the children of rapists, and murderers. They are cut from the same cloth, so they may also be evil.

            This arguement is infantile, at best. The only thing a person of any color represents is themselves.

            Now of course white male privilege exists. But is pointing fingers and residing to associate with white men going to in any way bring us forward? No. Not at all. We need to depend on ourselves to pull ourselves up by our own hard work and not let things we can’t immediately change be our excuse for what we don’t achieve.
            My young cousin was just admitted to Harvard University because of his hard work and dedication to his goals. He realizes that being successful will be harder for him since he is a black man, but does he refuse to associate with the obviously privileged white people on campus simply because they maybe didn’t have to work as hard? No. He goes to his classes, studies his ass off and there is no doubt in my mind he will be more successful than many white people in this country, simply because he had the drive.

            In closing, if you want to sit back and blame your glass ceilings on a group of people you don’t know individually, well, my heart goes out to you. If you used half that fight and that intelligence to break through it and be successful in spite of your skin color it would be much more impressive.

          • Goodhall


            “making a judgement based on anyone’s appearance is wrong”

            That’s the only assertion you’ve made that has validity

            The remainder of your posting is a total contradiction. “So plain and simple children understand it. If you are going to hold people accountable for what their ancestors did, then let’s go harass the children of rapists, and murderers.
            They are cut from the same cloth, so they may also be evil”

            Please tell us, when in the history of America, CULTURALLY, and for many centuries, did the society “harass the children of rapists, and murderers” throughout the entire nation? How is your scenario the equivalent an institution (legal chattel slavery), which lasted for hundreds
            of years, and many generations, resulting in the conditions which are still integral in the lives of black and white people and the way we view each other? Besides, if the individual felt harass, it would be very easy for him/her to relocate
            and even change his/her change name. Even today, white people could/would take his/her “white honoured privilege status” with him/her to most places in the country. If that person were to be Black, sure he could relocate, and even
            change his name, but he and his descendants would still be accorded what it has always been, his/her “inferior status.”

            Despite being “cut from the same cloth, i.e., “children of rapists and murderers” the children of Whites will/may carry
            that stigma of children of rapists and murderers;” but the children of Blacks will/may not only carry stigma of “children of rapists and murderers” but whatever OTHER conditioning that white America has culturally heaped on them (Blacks) for many generations.

            “This arguement is infantile, at best. The only thing a person of any color represents is themselves”

            No! Another of your contradiction:
            were that to be true, you would not be have injected the issue of long dead ancestors or even commenting here. What you are actually trying to do is to posthumously represent them, yet it escapes you.

            “Now of course white male privilege exists. But is pointing fingers and residing to associate with white men going
            to in any way bring us forward?”

            Here again, you’re representing those you consider white, male and privileged. What about “The only thing a
            person of any color represents is themselves”

            “We need to depend on ourselves to pull ourselves up by our own hard work and not let things we can’t immediately
            change be our excuse for what we don’t achieve.”

            I’ll assert that nobody, and I mean nobody, in any society, did put himself/ herself without the help of others, despite that person’s hard work – beginning with your parents, teachers, your banker, to your client/customer, the maid, the farmer – on and on, we all had assistance along the way.

            “My young cousin was just admitted to Harvard University because of his hard work and dedication to his goals. He
            realizes that being successful will be harder for him since he is a black man, but does he refuse to associate with the obviously privileged white people on campus simply because they maybe didn’t have to work as hard?”

            This is yet another the contradiction.

            Why should he have work “harder” “since he is a black man” just to achieve what “privileged white people on campus” has? Unless, your argument is: culturally, white America has preordained that ought to be lot for Blacks in America. You may also want to ask him, how many of his fellow students have questioned and commented, that his being at Harvard, is due to Affirmative Action rather than his academic achievements.

            “In closing, if you want to sit back and blame your glass ceilings on a group of people you don’t know individually,
            well, my heart goes out to you. If you used half that fight and that intelligence to break through it and be successful in spite of your skin color it would be much more impressive”

            In America, Blacks have never been seen as individuals; at the beginning, they were just chattel, for the most part. Whites may want to fool themselves in believing that they are individuals, but behind them stands institutions, put in place for their benefits. At the very least, they may have farmed out their individuality to others to have them do their
            biddings, while being able to place their hand over their heart and repeat the pledge of individuality.

            Such is the hypocritical play of individuality that practically all the white males’ commenters here exhibit, while they circle the waggon in a battle formation against Ms. Maye.

          • green privilege

            I think you got lost on the way to the “White Privilege Conference” for butthurt grad students and other derpers. No one else cares. And not because we are ignorant of history, but because we are capable of rational thought.

            You speak in entirely in unsupported generalizations and guess what, your whole concept of “white privilege” stems from two privileged white men – Marx and Engles. You would not have ANY scholarly basis for privilege arguments without them. Better go burn your books cause they were written by “white men”. You are speaking a language of ignorance no matter what “social justice” flag you wrap yourself in.

          • Goodhall

            “I think you got lost on the way to the “White Privilege Conference” for butthurt grad students and other
            derpers. No one else cares.”

            As to your orifice hurt “grad student …No one cares;” What a shocker to POC! This must be SUCH a great surprise
            to them. The people of your ilk, or likeminded, do not have to think or deal with these issues, and, if you do not have to think or deal with these issues, they don’t exist. The privilege of being ensconced in white, whiteness and white privilege.

            “And not because we are ignorant of history, but because we are capable of rational thought.”

            As yes! And I’m sure, those who left us with that cultural legacy, were of the highest integrity and also had “superior”
            rational thoughts. The more things change, the more they remain the same – the legacy lives on!

            “You speak in entirely in unsupported generalizations and guess what, your whole concept of “white privilege” stems from two privileged white men – Marx and Engles. You
            would not have ANY scholarly basis for privilege arguments without them.” Nonsense!

          • Goodhall

            Just to follow up – I’m happy to know that you are capable of “rational thought,” and hope, it is not culturally, duplicitously in concert with those of your ancestors, if you happen to be Americans, who proffered: “We hold these things to be self-evidence that all men are created equal…” while holding chattel slaves, only to be followed up by the Dread Scott Decision/Doctrine. I’m sure; they too, were the fountain of sober rational thought. Go Figure!

          • Monica

            the first writing tool was not from white people and where did the raw materials and natural resources come from? how come india invented the first university in the entire world? you white people had nothing absolutely nothing and if it wasn’t for india’s numeric system and number zero you wouldn’t be ranting on internet because internet would not exist.and India are not white people in that country so don’t even go there with lies.christianity never belo9nged to whites Aryans are not white Europeans the swastika was never white Europeans. the word Caucasian never meant white European until a white german philosopher named christoph meiner changed that definition in the year 1785 which proves whites are losers as well liars who always change and rewrite history with bullshit to suit their attire and agenda.oh and I believe the Christian lords name was yeshua messiach not jesus Christ as Pontius pilates and the roman soldiers killed the lord and the romans are white yet white people like Swedish converted to Christianity from paganism in 1100 bc e. whites are a recent race which have caused so much grief and turmoil nobody wants you sick genetic rejects who brought diseases and abnormalities to north America yet most of the healthcare is getting exhausted because of white kemo patients.

          • Goodhall

            Sorry! Self-evident

          • Monica

            what has white people done in india in the year 1849? what about 1498 what whites did to india that year? what about the qings dynasty and what whites did to china in 1644-1912. what about the korea forgotten war in the year 1950-1953 what did whites do?,what did whites do in the year 1492 in America?what did whites do to japan in 1945? I can go on about the maoris ,aborigenese and Africa,falklands(Malvinas) ,Fiji ,Tuvalu,south America etc. but what’s the point? even todays conservative senates in Stephen harpers government has corruption as well the Toronto mayor smoking crack the montreal mayor resigned for gangsterism and corruption from politicians to white illegal colonys it doesn’t matter you all are criminals.even the citizens who are white are very beligerant.

          • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

            There goes that white privilege again!

          • Monica

            no it isn’t considering there is enough proof from past to present to declare what your race has done.

          • Monica

            yes you just took the words out of my mouth well stated.

          • BishPlease

            Past??? Did it stop and somehow the oppressed and marginalized did not notice? You need to brush up on your history and your science for every action there is a reaction.

          • Mai7

            Probably because you don’t walk in my shoes and see how some Whites treat us…still. It’s not racist or bigotry Johnathan’s statement portrays. It’s fact. Blacken your face for a day and see how you are treated. Are you afraid or don’t you care? Whites don’t care about their history. Just the good parts. Have you ever read a book on slavery? Not the 1/2 page in your history books or encyclopedias? Whites are nonchalant about what happened.

          • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

            There goes that white privilege!

          • Bryan


        • Miasma

          “White men have a proven history of being evil and heartless.”
          The Egyptians invented slavery.
          Arabs enslaved blacks 400 years before Europeans set foot in America.
          Every race has a history of cruelty, because surprise surprise your hateful racialist perspective of history has no place aligned with the objective fact that races have no significant behavioral differences.
          Enjoy your life pigeonholing everyone as different, and using “white privilege” as a thinly veiled excuse for race hate.

      • Stephen Hooton

        Face it man, it’s not considered racism unless white people do it. That’s what this article is saying.

      • mai7

        Jonathan, It’s just the way the mind works. When Blacks commit a crime all Blacks are scorned for it. When Whites do something against a Black all Whites are scorned. Blacks must forgive the past but not forget. But we must not remember with hate and revenge in our hearts. The sore will never heal if you keep picking at it. Slavery was horrible..I think I would have killed myself. Blacks must also remember that there were Whites who did not believe in slavery and help some escape..putting their life on the line. This is what all Blacks should do..get an education. Most Black families tell their kids after finishing high school “Get a job!” They don’t care where..just bring some money in the home. They don’t seem to know the importance of an education in America. I’ll stop here before I write a book.

      • Sombra LuandAngola

        As a Black man living in Amerikkka this is like cake to my eyes… Everything you said about being stereotyped, just beautiful!!! Pure Poetry!!! But try living that everyday of your life and in more scenarios than just interracial dating… Let’s try being sentenced to life in prison based off the premise that your skin color is more threatening and of less value so you get more time on average… You know jack S*** about being dehumanized by looks of suspicion, or just for something as simple a breathing or blinking. The irony of it all, I’m just use to being the villain, and being treated poorly, and stereotyped. I almost agree with the last thing you said, but instead of suggesting that “one should not be stereotyped in such a way,” I would say no one should be stereotyped.Then and only then can we talk about the possibilities of dating outside one’s race.

        This and other post like it won’t get many likes because the opinions, thoughts, and feelings of Black people are considered sub-grade in this society. Especially if these thoughts are to the benefit of Black people in general. This bias against Black people I feel is apart of her sentiment in this article. The author was drawing a line in the sand because of the inequalities that you can’t see. What she spoke was nothing short of the truth, but because it doesn’t fit into any box you know of and/or are willing to accept, that makes her point cold and heartless?

    • Burleson Fred

      I agree with you, we as Americans are all mixed in some way but we are all American.

      • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

        no we’re not! there goes that white privilege again!

    • Bee

      so you realize part this and part that = mixed, right?

    • Victoria

      Thank you! As a fellow mixed baby, I was feeling the same way.

    • Ascencion Gomez

      Amazing how people continue to promote the dribble of “Ethnic Purity” in modern times and they’re the same people that complain about White Supremacy. This kind of mindset opened the doors for the idea of race supremacy by stifling the notion of equality between the races. Thankfully my mother didn’t see things this way. My father was a Spanish speaking Apache and my mother is black. My children are a mix of me (Apache and black) and their mother who is Irish, Blackfoot Indian and black. My grandkids are a product of Irish, black, Cherokee, Apache, Blackfoot…one group looks white and the second group is clearly mixed-blooded, light brown. If one allows their heart to find a match, color is nothing a beautiful addition.

    • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

      You sound like a damn fool! You are of African ancestry accept it and stop being brainwashed and denying your history and ancestry where do you think the people from the islands came from? You may be an educated fool from what I have read! Nationality and ethnicity are two totally different things! You are one of the reasons black people are so dis-unified today!

    • Carl Cheeseboro

      I’m black and Italian, but people get so wrapped up into what race they are. we are all humans. the sun and our environment gave us our different colors. and im proud of both of my ethnics, but as someone stated I’m American plan and simple. but In my opinion, being mixed race, you can see more clearly and not be so tunnel visioned and focused on color. im black so i just date black peopleect or i’m white or Asian ect . just my thought

  • Eva

    Your arguments are very general, if that makes sense. I’m black, too. And though I’m not particularly attracted to any guy outside of African Americans, I don’t go around arguing that interracial dating is wrong in some way just because of our pasts. We can’t help the treatment of blacks in the past any more than white people can. And to say that because of our horrible shared pasts, we can’t move on and date is just gross. While I understand that you may not feel comfortable in an interracial relationship (especially with white men), you can’t tell others how they would feel/react if they were to go into an interracial relationship. Should a black woman decide to marry/date a white man, you can’t simply guess how she feels/thinks in the relationship based on the way you would feel. That’s generalizing. Let’s just agree that we’re all our own person and we can’t pretend to know how other people feel.

    Do I agree with you that there is an added layer of relationship drama because of the fact that it was very common for white slave masters to rape their black slaves? Yes, sure, of course. But that doesn’t mean that in 2013, we can’t mourn our pasts together and get past it.

    • Znieszka

      Thank you!

    • Danielle

      Wonderful point, thank you for making it.

    • Maya

      I don’t think that she is telling other people that they should not be in interracial relationships. That, to me seems to be your interpretation of the piece, however. Rather, what I think she is trying to say is that interracial relationships do not feel right to HER.

      Also, although I am also a black woman not in any way opposed to interracial relationships (for myself or others), it is hard to make the ‘let’s just move past this because it’s 2013′ argument (which I find to be overwhelmingly troubling, personally) when things like this are still happening:

      • Maria

        Just because some [insert race/nationality/religion] people are horrible doesn’t mean that they all are.

        • angle

          It not about race, it about sticking with your kind if that’s what you like, I think this is why white men are holding black men back! Its causing some problems in the black community for the few how don’t know any better. Black men deserve a chance as well as any over color race of men to do better. Instead they are view by white and the media no good, angry and cant care for their children. Black men have for years try their hardest to please are black women and sometimes the wrong way like fast money. We need to forgive them because they all just did it for us to please us, don’t give up on are men as they keep trying to lock them up for nonsince. Yet are men are so bad but white women go out their way to date them, they try to talk to my brother’s all the time. My brother said he just wants a beutifull black women to settle down with, he have been single for a while now. No children or swinging from women to women like the media plays are men to be!

          • Samantha

            There is not one moment of forgiveness for the way black men treat black women. As dumping grounds of hate and resentment. As good enough to breed with but not to marry. Even during the civil rights black women were told to suck it up and by suck it up I mean take beatings and not report it or molestation of young black girls and hide it rape and any other abuse you can think of least not the appearance of unity be shattered. Black women by virtue of being a woman bore the black man. She has carried them and nursed them and the value and respect she should has is not there when it comes to black men. How many black men do you know raise their daughters to know how a man should treat a woman? Not enough so that black girl turns into a black woman too soon not knowing what real love is and then gives birth to a black boy. She cannot teach him to be a man because she is a woman who may have never seen how a real man should act. And then he turns into a black man who is only a man due to age because he knows nothing of being a man and the cycle continues. Forgiveness is for those who break the cycle not continue it.

          • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

            And it is you who has not done the research to understand the cause of this effect on the black community! You just see the effects not the cause! Product of white supremacy!

          • Ascencion Gomez

            Sure, Sure … the effect is rooted in excuse makers… White Supremacy is a slave mentality…and you’ve are beaming…

          • Lifeisgood!

            Speak on it Samantha. All this putrid “black king” garbage meanwhile black men treat black women like concubines. Black women are so preoccupied with white men raping black women 200 years ago yet act like its perfectly fine that black men rape black women yesterday, today and tomorrow. Both the collective of black male and black female in America are dumb as ass when it comes to this. There is NO EXCUSE for what they let black men get away with yet blame white men for.

            Meanwhile, black men are trying to marry white women, THE VERY MOTHERS of white men, and black women, yet again, act like nothing is happening. DUMB DUMB DUMB!

    • Concerned

      Do you mean to suggest that persistent racism is not a legacy of slavery? Because your repeated mention of ‘the past’ implies as much. Surely as a Black woman you wouldn’t suggest that we aren’t still impacted by racism? Right?? This concerns me…

      • TruthBeTold

        Slavery is not something that just happened. Its not a hurricane or flood. Its a persistent enslavement and imprisonment of human beings for profit. It ain’t over because the british or american claim so on a piece of paper. Understand white men are the masters of double cross. Slavery continues today and they know about it. Precious metals, gems, resources etc are mostly done by some level of slave today, many of whom are in the same boat as our american slaves were not so long ago. Crazy how the world wants black people to forget and forgive but they still won’t leave us the hell alone.

        • ponderous

          uhm… hurricane’s and floods don’t just happen. They are just as much subject to cause and effect as anything else observable to mankind. Sorry but… that seemes a rather important sidenote.

          • Goodhall

            Therefore an act of nature, inanimate as it is, had preordain/predisposed Africans (human beings or do you subscribe the belief that they WEREN’T?) to be chattel slaves in the West. I guess the culmination of their descendants’ current conditions, sociological, economical and physiological
            were also preordain/predisposed as an act of nature too.

            Thanks for enlightening the world with your words of wisdom.

            It’s no wonder this racial morass still exists!

        • Burleson Fred

          Slavery was going on in Africa long before Europeans ever made it to Africa. Who sold their own people. Some African- Americans owned slaves. Irish were also enslaved and sent to American Countries and treated just as harshly. Every race at one time was a slave of someone. Study History and stop repeating what you hear..

          • Volomon

            @Burleson Fred, what you said is tantamount to a 5 year old saying “He did it too!”.

            Sorry, but the dynamics of ‘slavery’ in Africa were nowhere near the same level as the British/American one. Also, in Africa, it wasn’t based off race and has no affect to Africans today. However, the Slave Trade (key word being trade) does. Also, Slavery didn’t just end and America was fine. In took another 100 years before Civil Rights.

          • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

            This is the lie white people continue to tell to make themselves feel better about stealing, raping, castrating, and murdering African people!

        • jeff w

          Hi, to say it right away, i am a white guy. What would do it then, i mean to be able to be forgiven for the sins of the past? I ask this honestly as i dont want my children and their children (and so on) to continue being seen this way. I can admit to the slavery issue, i can admit to an uneven standard existing to this day. What i cant do is change the past, although i can act correctly in the present to have a better future (i hope). I dont ask anyone to forget the past, or even to forgive current racists (i doubt i would). So can I hope to ask to be judged by my own personal actions, or does the colour of my skin make me unworthy?

        • wake up

          Who exactly is refusing to leave you alone? Can you be more specific than “white people”? I can tell you I lack the motivation and resources to keep an entire race of people down and no other white people I know have expressed any interest in it. You should look up what some white supremacists have to say, hopefully it will snap you out of your dumb ass mindset when you realize you both say the same shit if you switch out white and black.

    • Jonathan Glasman

      I agree wholeheartedly.

    • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

      Another product of white supremacy

  • Rachel R

    Everyone is missing her point completely…. A white guy not dating black girls is a whole different story. That’s generally a “black women are ugly” thing which is rude and prejudiced. She clearly states that it’s not out of a lack of attraction, but because of the unbalanced power relationships in the past between black women and white MEN. Mixed race people such as myself have some white privilege so that is a whole different topic to blog about. Not everyone is an enemy, but whiteness is the enemy and an entity of power. Not white skin, white superiority and subtle prejudices. Even if you date a tolerant white man he will never truly understand you and everything you stand for as someone who undermines oppression. She also states that this isn’t fair, but it’s just her prerogative.

    • Théo

      Sure! White men are privileged (I’m a white man). If you start saying so for mixed origin people as well (sorry I don’t say race), it can be prejudicial. As well as when you say that bisexuals are privileged over homosexuals.

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      Bullshit. My wife is black (I’m white) and simply because shes’ black I’ll “never truly understand her…”? How will I understand someone else of a different skin color any better? The fact is that I get my black wife better than any other white girl I’ve ever dated – we have more in common than I did with any of my previous white girlfriends. BTW, She makes more than I do, has more college degrees than I do, and went to private school for most of her life. So … privilege?

      • ProudBlackWomyn

        You are literally enslaving your wife with your pasty oppression. Don’t you know that people’s personalities and experiences are decided by their skin color, and you can never empathize with a person of a different skin color because their life is different from yours, unlike the lives of people of the same skin color, who all have similar experiences to you?

        • Jonathan Abernathy

          My bad. Thanks for putting me in my place ;) .

        • cowpie

          What the hell kind of crock of BS is that? Personality is not decided by skin color, nor are there experiences.


          • Baiskeli

            Your sarcasm meter is broken.

      • Guest

        LOL yet you are still delusional? Honestly fuck you and I hope your Black wife divorces you one day! I am a Black woman who has a lot of self respect and would NEVER date a White AmeriKKKlan man in a million years even if he was the last man on earth.

        • Guest

          Says the “black women” who only dates black and Hispanics but apparently refuses Asian or Native American men,

          Check yo privellage!

        • Jonathan Abernathy

          Haha, okay. I’ll send you copies of the divorce papers when happens :) .

    • Jazmin

      You realize this is the same argument used to justify not casting blacks in lead roles in films. “Oh, the white audience won’t be able to relate to a black characters. Too different. Sorry.”


      We didn’t miss the point, the point was just racist with “separate but equal” undertones. Pointing this out doesn’t support the idea of white supremacist ideology. We can see that already. I’m a black woman, I understand and embrace my history. I’m just not going to adopt the same attitudes and prejudices whites have had for decades. If we all went around with this mindset (Oh, historically I’ve been oppressed by your race, so now we can’t be together) not a lot of us would even exist. It’s counterproductive and wrong. Imagine everything the author said but from the perspective of a white man on why he won’t date black women. Or if the tables were turned and was based solely on women being oppressed by men the article would sound like

      “Yeah, so I’m attracted to men, but sorry, I can’t date them because, you know, history.”

      Are all the heterosexual females going to give up the D because of how poorly women were treated in the past? Doesn’t that make the author a hypocrite because shouldn’t the terrible treatment of women that still continues today enrage her? Yeah, I don’t see her giving up men. What about the blacks that were freed and then went on to buy slaves of their own? Is she giving up black men too? Didn’t think so. She’s trying to make some sort of political statement with this bullshit but when you get down to it, it’s just racism.

      Date who you like, date who respects you, do whatever makes you happy because all our oppressed ancestors fought and suffered for was the opportunity that we have now.

      • pimpom

        “Date who you like, date who respects you, do whatever makes you happy because all our oppressed ancestors fought and suffered for was the opportunity that we have now.”

        Well put.

  • Alexander

    Here’s my issue with this article, it reproduces the racial dichotomy which was the origin of racial oppression in the first place. To understand this further, I think a comparison to feminism is needed.

    I really like feminism, it’s been fantastic for society and I’m a huge supporter of it, but the key reason is why I am. I support feminism precisely because it deconstructs the ideas surrounded gender roles and expectations. Instead of defining femininity in one way and masculinity in another, it forces people to rethink the very existence of those categories; which is what intellectuals have been thinking for quite sometime. There is no “right” way for a woman or man to act and that is part of why feminism is such an effective and revolutionary idea.

    I can’t help but feel that this article is actually at odds with feminist thought. Sure, it has all of the terminology like “privilege”, but that’s where the similarities end. The article posits a sort of Otherness about white and black people that somehow exists inherently in the races themselves and cannot be helped; even the name Black is capitalized! The reality is that part of why feminism is great is that it can be used to see past the stereotypes of women (and men) no matter who you are, even if you are a white male. The same is true with understanding race, we should be able to see past it; not reinforce the imagined differentness between the “races”. Because that’s what it is, imagined differentness. Take away the socialization and there really isn’t much of a difference at all. Just like many are conditioned to believe that boys should only play with soldiers and girls only with dolls, so we are also taught to imagine that our race plays a part in who we are as people. Together, we can overcome that social hallucination; but to do so we cannot pretend that the skin tone separates us into categories that we cannot eliminate altogether.

    We are the ones who build and maintain modern society. As society’s authors, then, we can deconstruct not only gender roles but also perceptions of race.

    • Alexander

      I apologize, by the way, for some of the flawed grammar here. Thanks for the up-votes!

    • jhsting32

      I don’t think we should have to “see past” race. Seeing differences is not the problem, creating negative or inferior/superior connotations based on these differences is. Many have a problem with feminists who portray a universal oppression despite the different experiences that women have. Race still matters and it still impacts the lives of people despite it being a social construction. I would personally be offended if people did not recognize my blackness because they subscribe to a “color-blind” ideal. And I also agree with Kristen about disrupting the norm (shout-out to Audre Lorde). In order to combat the norms that disadvantage and ostracize people, we must confront and disrupt them. Feminism has to embrace tension and not run from it.

      • Alexander

        But what is “blackness” or “whiteness”? All I can see is that it ends up depending on both the person and the geographical area you are raised in; thus it is socially constructed. And again, what biological differences are there between the races and sexes? Sure, you may find some minor ones, but it all depends on how you interpret them.

        Looking at gender, for example, it is fashionable to say that women are ‘weaker” or tend towards more “nurturing” type activities like child rearing, home-making, etc. But notice that the activities that are “natural” for women just so happen to line up exactly with what patriarchy traditionally pigeonholes them into. More and more, however, these stereotypes are being challenged, not only by women now being able to serve in the front-lines of the army, but also archaeological findings that have shown that, though significantly rarer because of the dominant patriarchy, we do have an example of a entirely female army in the past; the Amazonians (though details are understandably blurry).

        Now, there are some women who do prefer a lifestyle more akin to domesticity, and that is their choice to make; but there are also men who do. Notice, though, the immense elasticity (even though so many try and stress biological difference) of the sexes and their roles in society throughout history; when one studies the history of gender it is truly staggering. In Native American culture, Iroquoian women oftentimes made decisions for their communities as leaders and, if they disagreed with a war, would refuse to share the crops they harvested. Native women oftentimes worked the heavy work of cultivating the fields and performed a number of other labor-intensive tasks. Though men primarily fought wars the Native American cultures I have studied (keep in mind, I’m a student, so I could be wrong; feel free to correct me), this is changing in modern times and it is still interesting to observe that many ancient women performed the kind of labor considered “too much” for women in modern times very effectively.

        As we allow women further opportunity, I think we have begun to see that many of the patriarchal assumptions about biological difference simply don’t hold up or are much weaker than are conventionally assumed. With race, the case for differentness is ever weaker, because races can perform the same tasks and, as I’ve stated before, what being “black” or “white” means is entirely a cultural construction.

        • Israel

          This is the problem when you privilege biology. Just because race is a social construct and there are very few biological differences between races does not mean that there aren’t material consequences (both positive and negative) of racial differences. People act as if there are only negative attributes to blackness when there are a HOST of beautiful things about being Black which is why many of us are not fans of post-racialism. To me, “post-racialism,” “racial transcendence” and “seeing past race” means “everyone is seen as white,” which is not exactly desirable as we have a history and culture that is worth preserving.

          Furthermore, this article is about why she doesn’t date white men and while the argument can be made that her reasoning reifies racial dichotomies, it’s still her preference. And even though there are some white men out there that “get it,” It seems to me that it isn’t worth the difficulty for her.

          • Alexander

            There are, of course, material consequences of race perceptions, and I agree that, if one really wants to take pride in their “blackness” who am I to stop them?

            What I’m advocating, though, is simple: the abolition of socially constructed racial differentness altogether. Am I privileging biology? Yes, but I have good reason for doing so. Biologically speaking, we are indeed all from the same human family and genome and there is little that separates us. Again, just like celebrating sex differences or national identity, this sort of thinking misses the point altogether.

            Yes, there is nothing wrong with being black or white nor necessarily with being ok with your race, but “blackness” and “whiteness” really don’t mean anything beyond what we imagine them to. Much like nationality and sex, the categories don’t have some kind of inherent meaning, what they mean changes with both time and geography. That is the consciousness I am hoping to promote and isn’t it true that our biological identity as being fundamentally human takes precedence over race, nationality, or ethnicity?

            Our biological human identity will always be true, and is founded in nature itself, it is at the core of who we are. instead of placing sex, race, nationality, or religion at the center of our social identity why not embrace the positive attributes all (or at least most) human beings share? Empathy, compassion, friendship, emotions, dreams, sentience, and the capacity for understanding? Those attributes are infinitely more inspiring than celebrating an imagined “blackness”, “Americanness”, “femininity”, or “masculinity”.

            Another side effect of imagined identities by the way, is often that we wall ourselves off into different communities and tend to intermingle only within the “in” group and not various other “out” groups. While many of the aforementioned identifications aren’t explicitly xenophobic or hostile towards outsiders, you can see the fruits of such an approach in this article.

            Instead of building up new social constructs surrounding race, gender, and sex over the ruins of others, we must try to raise a new kind of consciousness that doesn’t play by the same, tired out rules of identity that have merely been assumed throughout human history.

          • jhsting32

            Privileging biology does not necessarily mean that the idea that inferiority/superiority would cease to exist. For example people who have the ability to produce children are seen as superior to those who can’t. People who have certain genes may be privileged. Privileging scientific truth does not necessarily mean that it won’t be used to discriminate or has not been influenced by biases. One recognizing their uniqueness or differences does not mean they can’t also recognize the humanity in others. Again recognizing differences has never been problem. Asking people to assimilate into one culture would only lead to a hegemonic culture being at the head. Furthermore recognizing “difference” is a common human attribute so ignoring “difference” would be going against one’s “nature.”

      • Travis Mason

        I agree that we shouldn’t see past our physical and cultural differences, rather we should recognize those differences and work together despite them. If we as humans can reach the point where we define our selves instead of our ancestry/physical characteristics defining who we are then progress has been made. This is just my two cents on the matter, nothing more or less. If i’m missing something or my perspective is lacking feel free to let me know.

  • Théo

    Your point about a badly-balanced relationship because of the privileges of the White over the Black could apply identically to the male-female relationship. But as feminists we do not reject all heterosexual relationships, do we? We merely rethink them, reconstruct them on an equality basis. The same could apply to your case.

    • Lindsay

      This was my thought exactly. If you are a woman in a heterosexual relationship, you are always coddling privilege a little bit. It does bug me in my own relationship, and I see myself doing it every day, but it’s just another compromise in a long list of compromises all relationships require.

    • PuddingPop89

      Gender relations and race relations are not at all the same thing.

    • Concerned


    • Rachael

      Yeah but maybe that’s WHY she wants to avoid MORE of an inequality of privilege between her and a partner than there already is, assuming she’s straight. I’m straight, and having to coddle privilege in a relationship where my partner is only privileged in ONE way I am not is annoying enough as it is. If I could magically choose not to be straight, all other things being equal, it would be nice to be on the same ‘privilege playing field’ as my significant other. So I do see her reasoning. If she’s a straight woman and wants to have a relationship she is forced to accomodate a certain amount of privilege inequality, so I understand her wanting to minimize anything else which would make the imbalance even more pronounced.

      • JustMe

        Yeah I wish I could be gay too, wouldn’t have to deal with women.

  • Bibliophile

    I respect your decision to not date white men; but, I disagree with your reasoning. I’m a black bisexual woman married to a heterosexual man. Using your logic, I should have only dated black bisexuals because only they could understand my unique position in society. Lesbians and Heterosexuals having their own privileges which I do not share. Bisexuals are typically viewed as promiscuous, confused, or unable to “choose a side” in both communities. Unlike you, I chose not to limit myself. In the process, I found a man who is fully supportive and respectful of who I am.
    You might say that bisexuals didn’t experience the same history of oppression as Black people. To that I say, neither have I. I happen to be a first generation American. Your history is not my history. We don’t share the same struggle or the same culture regardless of our shared skin color. This does not mean I deny my “blackness” it just means that I’m not defined by it. My heritage culture does not view being black the same way that Americans do.

    • Concerned

      While your history may not be your her history (though I bet it bares many similarities to the history of US Blacks), you nonetheless identify yourself as Black. As such, I wager that you are perceived by others –in much the same way as Ms. Maye is, without folks actually knowing her particular cultural heritage and very rarely bothering to ask– as Black American.

      I wonder if you would deny that, in the US context, Black is almost always conflated with African-American (to be clear, I think they are distinct only to the extent that the former is an umbrella term encompassing the latter) and further, that your notion of yourself as Black has been shaped by the fact that others perceive you as Black.


      1. You may not share the SAME history of oppression as AFRICAN-AMERICANS, but as a Black woman you certainly have a history of oppression to point to –a very complex one by virtue of belonging to two oppressed groups. Colonialism, racialized slavery, and imperialism has ensured that racial oppression is not unique to the US. AND,

      2. I would argue –or rather INSIST– that you are impacted by the American brand of oppression for the reasons stated above. In essence: you’re Black and you live here. Yup, its that easy.

      • Chantelle

        I think the main point she was trying to make is that it is not inherent that someone who does not share your same form of oppression will not understand you or your position. For example, a straight man was able to understand her despite not being the same sexual orientation. There are several struggles inherent to simply being black and being in the US, but in a relationship, it only takes one person to understand and empathize, and while it is RARE that white people truly understand, accept, and work against oppression and disrupting racial hierarchies- it does happen. And it only takes one person.

        The author even says, that she just doesn’t believe that a white man would be able to own his privilege and acknowledge the racial realities enough to date her. Race is central to many folks of color’s life because the experience of being “other” changes life trajectories and experiences. That being said- if a white man did some how seem to really understand and empathize with her, if he was invested in racial equality and understanding- maybe her concerns wouldn’t be so relevant. The hard part is very few people, including black people, really learn about the way racial privilege operates on an individual and institutional level, so it may be damn near impossible to find that white man. So i get it, but, improbable is not impossible so ruling out a whole category of men is sure limiting.

      • Volomon

        @Concerned, “but as a Black woman you certainly have a history of oppression to point to”…..Not true. My father grew up in Jamica. Everyone he knew and saw were black. The only people who were non-black where two Chinese students in his class. He never experienced oppression as everyone around him was black. The same would apply to a woman raised in Africa. She was around black people so the only ‘oppression’ she faced was general people she may not like or not like her. No a racial attack on her.

    • Lala

      From one 1st Generation American to another, thank you!

      This is exactly how I feel. The author ancestor’s history is not my history. I came here from Africa; it has nothing to do with my skin color. However, I do not define my identity by these experiences that are foreign to me.

      I do feel sorry for what African Americans had to go through, but I feel no connection to it. It is not my history. I have a whole other history that I feel connected to and is related to who I am as an African person and an immigrant.

    • Tortor

      As a white lady with a predilection to bi men of color, I can’t say how much your comment has encouraged me. Your perspective is also very interesting! I was really worried my inherent privilege would make me a really terrible partner for anyone who wasn’t white. I have a couple first generation female friends who are identified as “black” all the time and she has similar things to say on the subject. I think it’s a pretty common feeling among “new” African Americans.

  • Admittedly Privileged

    Okay, so I read this article a few times and was immediately resistant. But then I read it again. And sent it to another (Admittedly Privileged) friend. And we had two hours of intense conversation. I’m not saying we solved shit. But this article catalyzed some immense privilege checking. Thanks for writing it.

  • Stephanie

    I am a Black woman married to a white man. Obviously, you find
    someone in life who has the same ideals that you have. Why would you
    date a white man who doesn’t understand his white privilege or the
    struggles that you daily face?Surely you don’t believe that EVERY white
    man is the way you portrayed them in your post? Settling for someone
    like that would be soul-killing and would incite daily arguments. Why
    would you even be FRIENDS with someone who doesn’t respect your culture
    and applaud you for being a strong black woman? Every white man on earth
    is not walking around thinking he owns the place. Have you ever had
    friendships with white people? I’m wondering do you constantly argue and
    yell with them about racial issues? If so, you are meeting the wrong
    type of people! Girl, leave those fools alone!

    Granted, most
    people in our society are afraid of race and choose to shrug off any
    racial injustices.So I leave ‘em alone. I have a small group of friends
    of all different races. My criteria for friends regarding race issues is
    simple: understand the reality of this world as it regards all races
    and cultures, understand that white privilege exists but that NONE of us
    have to be defined by it, understand that I will be upset by prejudiced
    things that hurt me and that my friends need to validate my feelings
    about these hurtful things – not deny that they happened. So my circle
    of friends is SMALL because most people in society do NOT think with an
    open-mind like that and are not accepting of others’ cultures. I don’t
    have time to change fools’ minds. I’m too busy living my life with
    friends that accept me and my beautiful and enriching black culture!!!I
    knew that I was attracted to men of other races. I always said that I
    would not date outside of my race because I would never find a man of
    any other culture who would understand my struggle. My husband proved me
    wrong. He knows black culture. He had adopted two black kids and was
    washing that hair and teaching them to be proud of their black history
    and dark skin long before I came into the picture. He is proud of every
    accomplishment I make and proud that I’m his wife.

    • Alexander

      What is black culture? I’m still not entirely sure about this. Isn’t it problematic to say that any entire race shares one culture when they are geographically spread out around the world?

      • Sara

        No, because it’s a political category, not a geographical one.

    • Guest

      Well thought of post but most White males in AmeriKKKlan think that they are all that and that they own the place, Trust me, I watch their actions. I could never date a White boy in this country or my town because I know that they see me as less.

      • Shitlord

        Oh god will you please shut up! Look I get that white men have privellage and that it wouldn’t be fair to demand all black women have to date white men, because they are individuals, but please lets not turn this into all white men are x bullshit! First off, say that white person you dismissed happened to be trans or disabled or bisexual, well by your shitty logic, you are both cissexism , homophobic and abliest!

    • nicki527

      Wonderful post. You really put things into perspective.

  • Miss Tress

    Just looked her (the author) up. She’s gorgeous.

    • Jade

      What does that have to do with anything?

  • John

    As a white male, if I were to write an article explaining why I would not date a black woman, would I not receive a large amount of criticism? I understand your anger in the past oppression that the African/ African American race has endured, and I understand that racism still exists, but what you’re saying is not helping the cause at all. It’s simply just another form of ignorant racism. I’m ashamed to see someone in my own generation hold people accountable for the actions of their ancestors. My ancestors came to this country from Europe, endured oppression and racism, but worked hard for what they had and I am proud of that. My father has been to school twice to obtain a steady job in order to support his family, and he is still paying off tuition, if you were wondering. He created his own opportunities. It is ridiculous for you to judge white males, no matter their background, off of what was out of the control of this generation. It’s 2013. Wake up. If we want to progress as a society, there is no need for articles like this, and I’m quite surprised this website published it, as it involves race, rather than feminism. Its outlandish, disrespectful, and enrages me. I have no more of a privilege in this world than you do. Again, I understand your feelings toward the past, and respect your pride in your race, but as someone who was raised to treat others the way I would want to be treated, it’s ridiculous to sit here and read and article disrespecting my race and gender. I have much more on my mind, but as it is 3 in the morning I’m going to leave it at that. Very, very disappointed.

    • Sam

      No one is disrespected here. Everything that the writer discusses is a blink away when you look at society. The same historical contexts of the past that you use as examples are the same institutionalized practices that are stopping our society from reaching the immense amounts of innovation that it could.

      If a white male wrote an article of the sort, I would be interested to read it. I know many non-Black males who have their lists of reasons why dating a Black woman is not in the cards for them.

    • evesforeva

      I don’t think Mayes wrote this article expecting praise and adulation from everyone. Parts of the article clearly try to preempt some of the obvious criticisms. (That are still showing up.) I didn’t see the article as angry, but rather as explaining what she does in response to the reality of racism in her everyday experience.

      If you see her decision as “ignorant racism”, then you don’t know what racism means. All she’s doing is discriminating against people because of their skin color. It’s not racism until you add power. The problem with racism is not that white people don’t like people of color; white people whose “best friends are black” can perpetuate racism. The problem with racism is the overrepresentation of people of color in prisons and in poverty, and the underrepresentation of people of color in politics, in education, and in business. If someone hates black people and will shoot any he comes across, that’s one hateful individual. If he gets away with murder because his victim was black, that’s racism. There’s a reason why it’s white privilege to be able to walk down the street without people assuming you’re a criminal, but it’s not “black privilege” to be able to date Mayes. It’s a big difference. Calling both racism grossly minimizes the first.

      Present-day white Americans are not accountable for the actions of their ancestors in the past. However, they are accountable for acknowledging their own present-day privilege they receive because of their history. This includes people whose ancestors weren’t slaveowners, people who are 1/16 Cherokee, people whose grandparents immigrated after the Civil War and were discriminated against because they were Irish or whatever. Basically, anyone who currently has white privilege today is accountable for their own white privilege. We get that you’re not a slaveowner, we’re not saying you’re a racist, but you benefit from slavery simply by being white.

      White privilege does not mean that your life is sunshine and daisies all day err’day. You can have white privilege, but lack straight privilege, thin privilege, cis privilege, ability privilege, class privilege, male privilege, etc. Even with those privileges, everyone has their own struggles. But there are still certain privileges you have that are due to the color of your skin. I’m not telling you to be ashamed or feel guilty; I’m asking you to notice them.

      Feminspire probably published this article because it uses language that resonates with feminists: “privilege blindness” “check your privilege” “dehumanization of women’s bodies” “curbing of human agency”. Most folks who’ve been reading feminist works don’t need an explanation of what those mean, so they can jump straight to trying to understand the racial issue at hand without stumbling over context. Moreover, it embraces intersectionality –the idea that different disenfranchised groups are related and have a shared goal. She is a woman and experiences sexism. But she’s also a black woman, and that affects her experience. Gender equality without racial equality would not be equality for black women (or any women of color.)

      Comments like yours are exactly the reason Mayes doesn’t want to date white guys. She doesn’t want to explain to her dates what racism means, why having ancestors who weren’t slaveowners doesn’t matter, how privilege works, or what intersectionality is. She doesn’t want to deal with the high likelihood that he will take offense to her explanation of her daily reality. She doesn’t want him to think of her as just another angry black woman because she calls him out. She doesn’t want him to get “very, very disappointed” at her “outlandish, disrespectful” attempts to get him to check his privilege. She’s willing to do it for her friends. She’s willing to do it for her job. But she’s not willing to let it into her love life. Is it so wrong of her to want a break?

      • Bryce Jones

        how exactly have I benefited from slavery, as a canadian white male?

  • L. Powell

    It seems you have no priority on holding a stable relationship if the first thing that pops into your head is some distant, abstract concept of oppression that people of their heritage may or may not have caused a long time ago.

    In some utopian disney fantasy, there are people who like or dislike other people for who they are, not for how many oppression points their skin color racked up on the score card…

    • TarHeel Bred

      My response to you is in two parts.

      I do not believe that the concept of oppression that she refers to is distant or abstract. There is cold, hard fact that this oppression did happen (slavery, job discrimination, vagabond laws, etc.). This makes the oppression concrete and very real. Some forms of the oppression are indeed distant (such as slavery) but other forms such as the recent push to resegregate schools and the continual deconstruction of the public school systems are explicit and implicit forms of current oppression that has been subtly integrated into common “policy” making it less noticeable and easier to blame on the “abstract” concept of the education system instead of the physical individuals making the decisions. Also we know who the ringleaders in these named types of oppression were; the phrase “may or may not have” is implying that we do not know who held the whip and who received the lashes. Again this is also documented with cold, hard facts.

      Now with that being said, I do not agree with the sentiments of this article. I believe that is indeed unfair to generalize an individual based on the actions of their ancestors and distant cousins. It is unfair for an individual to brandish the punishment for the crimes of their ancestor’s at all time. To me this is similar to a college graduate with a squeaky clean criminal record being treated as a criminal and thrown in jail for the crimes of their father/grandfather/cousin/uncle.

      I do acknowledge that said male may be benefiting from the missteps of his ancestors: money, property, social acceptance, but we cannot blame the person for being born privileged. That is equal to someone in a poorer country hating an American because they were born in America and asking them to give up their running water, grocery stores, toilets, clothes, and jobs so they could be equal. We can only hope that people become aware of the inequality and to do everything within their means to diminish it.

      **Also as a world traveler I know that it is indeed impossible to empathize completely with a person from another country even if you understand their point of view because you simply did not grow up with their experience. You will subconsciously do things that demonstrate a certain privilege without that may be painfully noticeable or offensive. This may be a little thing such as asking if a place has hot water; that shows that you are used to hot showers…a luxury in other countries. The same can go for white privilege, what may be the norm for that group is an obvious display the luxuries afforded to him.

      ~UNC 2012 Black Female Alumna

    • Sam

      “distant, abstract concept of oppression” I don’t think so. Look around at your society! it is not so distant as you say, it’s only changed its form to more institutionalized expressions.

    • evesforeva

      You have the privilege of only having an “abstract concept” of this oppression that is so “distant” to you, it “may or may not have happened”, and if so, it was such “a long time ago” it’s hardly memorable.

      These oppression points sound wonderful! Can you tell me where I can redeem them, and what prizes I can get? Or are they just so I can play the victim and have an excuse for why people of color are not as successful as white people? We all know the real reason people of color aren’t successful isn’t racism, but actually because all people of color are ______. Surely there’s a way to fill that blank without sounding racist, right?

  • Hi

    I support your decision.

    I’ve dated white men; in fact, I am dating one right now and it’s been a struggle. When I attempt to unsettle his privileges–being a white middle-class male– he builds motes and draws the bridge. I run wild and yell. I cry. My voice became meek. I decided to censure any discussion about race with him or any other white people. He was offended. I, then, understood that, that was not my solution. I am a woman of color living as a woman of color every day and it is always white people who remind me of that. When I mispronounce something, when I do not know something about pop culture, when they play a guessing game about my race, et cetera. My partner has been present during a handful of those encounters. He is understanding and listens and embraces me. He can name his privileges. However, when it is his privilege that come into question, when I call out something he said/did that made me uncomfortable, it is a battle. My voice, my feelings are not enough. My partner, like you mentioned, gets defensive. It’s not him. It’s me. And, it is. It is me and the fact that I have to fight/resist/endure outside of our intimacy only to be met by more invisibility when it is the person I love. Mostly, it remains unresolved but I am willing to put the effort to go through these things with him, even though I should not have to do it. I know. But, I love him and I have faith in him and the relationship we are creating.

    Nevertheless, if this relationship ends, which I hope it does not, I don’t think I will date white men again.

    • Deni

      EXACTLY! I completely agree! My experience is so similar its creepy!

    • Guest

      Good, thank God you are waking up and realizing that dating White men is no good for you, your race and your well being, I wish more sellouts were like you.
      I know Black men aren’t perfect but stick with them.

    • Owen Eastwood

      Same reason I could never date a feminist, they’d always bullshit about how because they’re the woman in the relationship I have to accept my ‘male privilege’ (pfffff).

  • Nyerere

    What a fantastic article. It is disappointing but not at all surprising to read many of the reactions to the piece here. They fit into a number of categories:

    1) “Kristen Maye is racist because she won’t date white guys. That is like a white guy saying he won’t date Black girls!” Problem here is that racism is often defined (albeit simplistically) to mean power plus prejudice. It operates on a systematic basis, or throughout society as a whole. Individuals largely merely express this systemic nature of racism. This is not to take away the power of individual agency, but that is simply how racism tends to operate. So because Black women in the US are quite far from having any systemic power, she can’t be racist! That is an important point. Beyond this, as some have already pointed out, she is not choosing to side-step any white male advances because she thinks white males are inferior. If you read the article she expresses quite clearly that she has had numerous negative interactions with white men, and doesn’t want to be put through that again. If a person is 22, they may still be young, but one can’t simply dismiss their combined life experiences. And dare I say that her experiences of white men are extremely representative of many other people with smart critical minds who deal with them everyday in the US.

    2) “You are cutting yourself off from a potential perfect fit by not dating a white man!” While this may be true in the big picture (what are there, 100 million white man in the US?), again, she makes her argument from a dual perspective: the knowledge of the objective history of white male oppression of Black women (this is undeniable), and the personal experience she has had of dealing with white men. It would be incredibly difficult to challenge her on either count. Are you denying history? Perhaps you just don’t know the history, and its ongoing ramifications. Or are you trying to deny her personal experience? She admits that the white man she mentions who is flirting with her is quite attractive. 99% of people on the planet would leave it there and just go along with the flirtation hoping it led to something. Not Kristen Maye, apparently. She has both principles, and also because of her consciousness, she doesn’t want to be hurt by yet another white man’s racism, however subtle it is. That seems like a smart decision to me.

    3) “By choosing not to date white men, you are cutting off white men from a potentially life-changing, educational experience around race. It is your responsibility to educate them!” But with regards to this point, it seems clear that we must not put the burden of educating white men upon Black women. First of all, Kristen Maye is already contributing to their education by just writing this piece. Many other Black women and people of color in general have done the same by writing volumes and volumes regarding their own theories and experiences of racism. These are freely available online, at your local library, or you can even purchase them from Amazon or your local bookstore. If you really cared about what Black women or non-white people in general think, you would take the time to study their ideas in a serious fashion. The vast majority of the cannon of writings on race by people of color, and especially the work of the most widely read Black feminists, backs up Kristen Maye’s sharp insights and personal reflection in this piece.

    I would therefore like to thank Kristen Maye for sharing this piece with us. It strikes me that it is an extremely useful companion piece to the one by bell hooks called “Eating the Other: Desire and Resistance,” which is a critical account of the many problems which emerge in inter-racial relationships. The piece is freely available online here:

    Again, bell hooks, like Kristen Maye, is not necessarily saying inter-racial relationships are simply bad or 100% impossible. Rather, they are simply pointing out all the problems that can and most often do arise with them. To ignore these persistent problems and simply pretend like we live in a Kumbaya world where we all should hold hands and make love to overcome racism would be to shut our eyes to the reality of the experience of race for the majority of people of color, and women of color, today in the United States. I read Kristen Maye’s piece not as a condemnation of white men, but as a sad reflection of contemporary racism in the US; despite her personal attraction to some white men, she still finds herself unable to date them, for a variety of extremely compelling reasons. We won’t get around the problems she raises by forcing her to be color-blind on her dating preferences. Rather, we will get around them by overthrowing white supremacy and white privilege, which still rules so much of our society. Kristen Maye has made her contribution here to that project already. Can the rest of us be counted upon to do the same?

    In the meantime, I eagerly look forward to reading more of Maye’s work.

    • Hi

      Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

      I will make sure to read that bell hooks article, too.

    • Todd Logan

      I think the part that got a lot of people riled up about is that bit at the end, “My singular rejection of this guy is just one loss for him in the
      arsenal of many wins afforded him at birth for no reason other than the
      fact that he was born a white guy. His expectation of universal access
      to all colors of women is just another of his privileges that I, in this
      instance, am disrupting.”. See that, “WHITE GUY”? That basically is a judgement based on the factors of being white and male – making it both racially inclined and sexist. I am not self-privileged because of being white of male, only what others may reflect upon me for being such. I was not raised to assume I was entitled to anything, or was any better than anyone else, due to my lot in life of being a Caucasian male – just those inalienable rights to freedom, liberty, and justice FOR ALL.

      But it’s her opinion and preference and I don’t need to tell her how she should or shouldn’t feel about it, or even inform her of her freedoms, or give permission. She is who she is, an individual, and that’s beautiful.

  • Jonathan Abernathy

    This is the most racist thing I’ve heard in quite a while. Not to mention, very immature and poorly reasoned out. One of my favorite parts (in context of white man/black woman romantic relationships):

    “…but I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship. And that’s not fair. Beyond simply not being fair, curbing someone’s exercise of human agency, whether intentional or not, is in my book is a small form of violence…”

    You, ma’am, cannot authoritatively tell me about my experience as a white man, just as I cannot tell you about yours. As a “privileged” white man married to a “less-privileged” (as implied by your article) black woman, I tell you that you are completely and laughably wrong. (By the way, my black wife actually makes considerably more money than I do, has completed more college degrees than I have, and went to private school for most of her life.)

    By the way, Ms. Maye, as a Westerner (I’m guessing American) you are more privileged than 98%-99% OF THE REST OF THE WORLD.

    Your construction of some kind of racist “Black Martyrs’ Cross” does in fact offend me. That is not however, because I’m “reminded of my privilege as a white man” (which again, is a relative comparison depending on the pool of people you’re sampling) but because you would PREJUDICIALLY profile me because of the color of my skin. Tell me how that’s not racist?

    Imagine this – that the author of this article was instead white, and said all of those things about being proud of being white with blonde hair and blue eyes – then said she wouldn’t date a black man. Then tell me how this isn’t blatant racism.

    • Pmang

      I would have commented on this article, but you handled it perfectly for me.

      • Goodhall

        I decided to hold off responding to your comment until I had read them all, since my points of view in matters such as this one are usually covered, often times, even more comprehensively, by others
        than I possibly could. In this case, others briefly, and sometimes curtly responded to you in what I sensed is their frustration having to read and explain to another deluded white guy bellyaching about his lack of privilege and being racially profiled in America, simply due the fact that, a black woman writes about her lack of interest in dating a white guy(s) and your misguided comments to it.

        The racial and power dynamics are not the same and your white lala-land existence, consciously or unconsciously, precludes you seeing them. The author referenced the historical nature of the
        relationship Whites had with Blacks in the US as well as the inhabitants other lands they (Europeans) “discovered” or colonized, and in the case of Africans and others of darker hue, the lack of a simple recognition that Blacks were human beings – I’m still befuddled that those white men actually slept with their horses and cattle, since CHATTEL slavery did not make ANY distinction
        between horses, cattle, the slave woman or males slaves for that matter. She also stated, slavery aside, the cultural legacy of those 400 years is still with us today; primarily in the way Blacks are viewed/treated in western and western-like societies, even when they are clearly a minority in those societies. My understanding and I’m paraphrasing: she thinks about these things and feels her only respite from them, after her workaday grind outside her home
        is the sanctuary of her place of abode – at least for those few hours, and she does not wish, rightly or wrongly, to take the symbol of that oppression into her home, never mind her bed.

        Your vituperative, apoplectic reaction to her article is quite startling, to say the least. All she said is that she will not date a white man and gave her reasons, yet this was such a slap to your face, because as a white man, how dare any black woman tell me
        that I’m not entitled to her? For centuries, this has been so, and now, she wants to snatch that away from me. It’s as if, as far as you’re concerned, she developed a severe psychosis of drapetomania and now will have to spend good money getting her back to the plantation. Why is what she outlined in in her article (which seemed quite reasoned, I might had) turned out to be about
        Jonathan and his white privilege or lack thereof?

        Your definition of “privilege” is also telling too: money and one’s private schooling are a tiny component of the privileges to which she’s referring. The privilege you’re talking about is quite tangible to you; the ones she is talking about are the ones that automatically
        come with white/pale skin. Although these privileges are oblivious to you, they do exist and your reaction demonstrates why she has misgiving about dating white men. Ask yourself, if fish know they’re wet; then put that in the general context of being a white male in western society. In addition, there are other dynamics at play here as well. Based on the information you provided, you appear to be saying that you’re not as academically accomplished as your black wife, and I wonder, if that was the trade-off of you marrying her; the society tells you, as a white male, that the status of women of colour is lowly regarded, and in order for any semblance balance to occur, if that was even possible, she would have to bring more to the union (a dowry, if you will) to supplement her status vis-à-vis her white spouse. In other words, it’s the equivalent of a white male janitorial help marrying (hypogamy) a black woman, who is a medical doctor.

        Have you ever asked your wife, assuming she is an American born and raised, what it was like growing up in America, even with all “her omnipresent privileges?”

        It’s either that you’re clueless as you sound, or you’re being totally disingenuous not to believe that the western civilization was created/developed on a hierarchy of “white skin patriarchy”
        with black people the lowest of the low. – How CLUELESS can you be? – You responded that your black wife makes more money than you (more of anomaly), and came from a more privilege background than you. SO WHAT? Only an imbecile would use this (AND PLEASE DON’T TELL ME ABOUT OPRAH (it’s very, very annoying) OR SOME OTHER WEALTHY BLACK WOMAN) to vitiate white skinned privilege and white supremacy.
        Just look around you, for heaven sake! Don’t tell me about Black elected public officials in the US either.

        As to your assertion: “You, ma’am, cannot authoritatively tell me about my experience as a white man, just as I cannot tell you about yours.”
        I can assure you, she’ll have by far, a greater understanding of your hegemonous white world than you could ever possibly have of her lived “black world,” especially in the US.

        Jonathan, your retorted: “By the way, Ms. Maye, as a Westerner (I’m guessing American) you are more privileged than 98%-99% OF THE REST OF THE WORLD,”

        - has about the same relevance to this debate as tossing in a sentence or two on astrophysics to it.

        You remarked, “Your construction of some kind of racist “Black Martyrs’ Cross” does in fact offend me.”

        She can use her entire her body as a political tool, if she so wishes, as long as she’s not breaking the law. It seems to me that you you’d like to police her body, or that special part thereof, vis-à-vis white men.

        “Tell me how that’s not racist?” “Imagine
        this – that the author of this article was instead white, and said all of those things about being proud of being white with blonde hair and blue eyes – then said she wouldn’t date a black man.”

        If this article was written by a white man, you would never have responded with such ferocity, if you’d responded at all; white men/white women say they would never date a person of another “race” all the time, and possibly in your presence; yet their comments will never “offend” or ever have offended your sensibilities. However, your sensibility radar only piques when it’s said by a black woman or a person of colour.

        If it makes you feel any better, you have my permission to done on your fineries and shout from the mountain top – whatever those of your ilk shout.

        Just so you don’t go off half-cocked about my comments being racist – THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH “INTERRACIAL” DATING/RELATIONSHIPS.

        Here’s a link: acquaint yourself with white privilege; although, it may “offend” you, the underprivileged, racially profiled white guy that you think you are.

        • Jonathan Abernathy

          “…how dare any black woman tell me that I’m not entitled to her? For
          centuries, this has been so, and now, she wants to snatch that away from
          me. It’s as if, as far as you’re concerned, she developed a severe
          psychosis of drapetomania and now will have to spend good money getting
          her back to the plantation. Why is what she outlined in in her article
          (which seemed quite reasoned, I might had) turned out to be about Jonathan and his white privilege or lack thereof?”

          Damn! You figured me out! That must be the subconscious reason I married a black woman!

          Seriously, do you really think that I or all white people are that evil, that maniacally calculating, that racist?

          “If this article was written by a white man, you would never have
          responded with such ferocity, if you’d responded at all; white men/white
          women say they would never date a person of another “race” all the
          time, and possibly in your presence; yet their comments will never
          “offend” or ever have offended your sensibilities. However, your
          sensibility radar only piques when it’s said by a black woman or a
          person of colour.”

          As a matter of fact, I am just as offended by racist commentary and language from white people directed at other races when I encounter it, as well as being ashamed and embarrassed. (By the way, it should be “If this article WERE written by a white man,” not “If this article WAS written by a white man.” Your big words don’t do so much to make you seem smarter than I am when you don’t use proper English.)

          Also, I never claimed I was underprivileged. I am right smack-dab in the center of middle class white society.

          “It seems to me that you you’d like to police her body, or that special part thereof, vis-à-vis white men.”

          Again – really? Are all white men that evil? We’re all would-be-rapists? Seriously?

    • M.J.

      because she’s not a white woman. that how its not racist. She’s a Black woman, who carries layer upon layer of unfounded racially denigrating stereotype that no one else understands but her. Black womanhood is not the same as white womanhood, please don’t confuse the two. take this article out of the lens of your own personal experience and understand how racial dynamics operate in a larger patriarchally whitened world. but i’m sure my argument is futile on you as no one can understand a Black woman like another Black woman can.

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        Black women can’t be racist? Okay.

        • stacey

          Iam a white women and it sounds to me your mad that she chose to not date white men! She and overs have the right the date who ever they like. If she wants to stick to her kind then she should fill free to express it to overs! I only date white men and I tell everyone I know that Iam not attracted to over races. Also Iam not races never I just want to follow my parents foot steps. I love all people and their opinions…the end!

        • blankk23

          Racism is the use and abuse of power to enforce stereotyping, bigotry, and prejudice against a person or people of a minority race.
          When black women have equal social, political, legal, and economic power as white men, you can ask that question.

          • Jonathan Abernathy

            We have a different definition or racism then. Mine is “a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race,”as defined by the actual dictionary.

            What you are describing is not necessarily racism, as you could easily change the last two words to something else, like “the use and abuse of power to enforce stereotyping, bigotry, and prejudice against a person or people of a different religion,” or “the use and abuse of power to enforce stereotyping, bigotry, and prejudice against a person or people of a different language,”etc etc.

          • saaaa

            Congratulations to the most ignorant comment on the message board you win!

        • Tortor

          Johnathan- White racism is like gravity on the earth. It’s a sudden and consistent force that brings almost everything else on earth DOWN. Racial Bias from literally every other group is more like Gravity on the Moon. It does not rule the universe as harshly as Earth Gravity. It’s almost comical how little effect it has.

          • Jonathan Abernathy

            First of all, if you’re gonna reply to someone whose name is posted, spell the name right. Secondly, I have no idea what you’re getting at… white racism? Define “white racism” please. And then once you’ve defined it, tell me how it “brings almost everything else on earth down.” That’s a very general statement that doesn’t really say anything specific.

      • derp

        You cannot just pick up one definition of racism and throw the others out. Look in a dictonary, please.
        As well as you cannot just disagree with the meaning of the word “chair”
        you cannot just disagree with the meaning of the word racism, which can mean predjudice based on race, opression of a race and/or the belief that one race is supperior to another. You are only talking about one of the definitions.

        • blankk23

          And that’s a problem right there: racism has come to be so broadly and laxly defined that it now means almost nothing significant.
          Racism, bigotry, and prejudice are three different things, and people should be precise in their language when they discuss them.

      • Guest

        Exactly. You get it! My life as a Black woman is much different than White woman’s.

      • lyddie

        Actually, racism is found in all cultures. It is not unique to those of English descent. Historically speaking, all cultures (including African) have at one time or another, used slavery as a means of oppressing others, even those of their own race. In early US history there were White slaves owned by White owners, and even Blacks owned by other Blacks. Furthermore, slavery continues to this day– just look up human trafficking.

    • AK

      Based upon your response, I can OBVIOUSLY tell that you have no idea what sociology is AT ALL! You have literally individualized EVERYTHING this author has said. You keep talking about how your “less-privileged” wife has more college degrees than you as some form of measurement for progress. That’s embarrassing. You completely lack critical thinking skills. The fact that you don’t believe your wife is less privileged (hence your sarcasm) than you demonstrates that you’re postracial. The author is referring to the SYSTEM of racism and privilege….meaning that JUST because Obama is president doesn’t mean that racism is over on an institutional level. Just because your wife has 18 degrees doesn’t mean racism doesn’t exist or she hasn’t or won’t experience racism on a systemic level. Why don’t you read a book about black feminism instead of quoting your BLACK wife’s “achievements” as some type of cultural progress for the black race. Your comment is the EPITOME of white privilege!!!

      • Owen Eastwood

        Class privilege has more effect on the differences in peoples lives than any other in the western world and his wife obviously comes from a much richer background than he does. Personally I don’t believe males are privileged in the western world at all but it’s the other way round. I do think black people experience far, far more racism than white people. Overall she is definitely the more privileged one in the relationship.

        • Lindsay

          Privilege is a systemic cultural issue, not an issue pertaining to individual achievements. Go back to your Ayn Rand.

          • Owen Eastwood

            Depends what you’re talking about. Societal privilege is about the structure of society and who it privileges. The woman in this is privileged because of her gender and her class. The male in this is privileged in his race. So who comes out with more privilege? It’s an odd question; like asking would you rather be a black woman or a white man. You have to weigh up the different privileges there are in society just for being born a woman or being born white.

          • AK

            Owen, could you please prove how men are NOT privileged? in fact, how do you understand “privilege.” Men hold most governmental positions and in America.
            Chances are if you’re a male, you are not going to recognize your own privilege and that is why you should listen to women (who are given a second-class citizenship in regards to our voices).
            I mean, your silencing me by saying you don’t believe male privilege exists. Imagine a black person telling a white person that they have privileges as a white person, and then that white person says, “no, I don’t have more privileges than you.” That sounds stupid, right? Well, that’s how you sound now.

          • Owen Eastwood

            But that’s just your opinion…

            I’m not silencing you whatever I say! That’s just you playing the victim card. This is an online forum and you have freedom of speech.

          • Joel

            males having more positions of power does not translate into individual males having it better then individual females this is one hell of a non-sequiter.

        • Tortor

          Nobody wins when you try to play oppression olympics. Stop trying to devalue the main point.

      • Sara

        Your comment is the EPITOME of white sociology undergrad. ;)

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        Exactly, I have individualized everything the author said. As a white man, if I were interested in dating her she would automatically reject me based on a lot of exterior factors (sociology, as you say, the history of race on America, etc.) but primarily and over-archingly (yes I made up that word) because I am white. I call that borderline racist (although not racist by the strict definition of the word, which I’ve posted twice in these comments already). Nowhere have I made the comment that racism does not still exist in our society at large, or even at an institutional level, as you mentioned.

    • Guest

      And you are delusional White trash. I would never date a White man or even a White boy from the town I live in because I have morals and self respect and I love my race.
      Besides you and most of the White AmeriKKKlan population don’t know what racism is all about at all so stop calling out racism in things that aren’t revelant to you, idiot!

      • Danielle

        Seriously? AmeriKKKlan? Immature much?

        • Adeen

          LOL Don’t listen to that person. Too much hate harbored in that person’t heart.

          • Nicole

            “Guest” sounds a little racist herself.

      • Sara

        “I would never date a White man or even a White boy from the town I live
        in because I have morals and self respect and I love my race.” Look up racism in the dictionary. You might be surprised.

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        Haha, okay :) .

      • Erik Joseph

        Hahahahaha! Well done sir! I didn’t want to comment here but that’s such a fine piece of trolling you’ve got there that I simply couldn’t resist any longer. “I have morals, I have self respect, I love my race!” Are you serious? You talk as though you were the African American reincarnation of Gov. Barnett! Throw in a few references to “mongrelization” and the parody would be complete.

    • Concerned

      What you did just there… In that last paragraph… False parallel.

      Your response reveals a lack of understanding of race and privilege.

      Your comment suggests that you (and your relationship) are case in point of why Ms. Maye doesn’t date white men.

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        How so?

        • Alexandra Curd

          because you are flat out and adamantly taking offense and refusing to see her side, because ‘you’re a white man in America, married to a black woman’. You’re now the authority on race and racial tension, right? she’s wrong and being over dramatic because she doesn’t date white men, because of men like you frankly. You got defensive. You got mad. You then belittled her people’s struggle. You immediately tried (and failed) to show that white men don’t have a leg up in society because you grew up slightly less upper middle class than your expectations (Oh DARN). This is exactly what she is talking about. You sir are the epitome of the worst kind of intolerance I can think of. I bet you used those GEMS of pick up lines like, “You’re a pretty black girl” or “I’ve always wanted to fuck a black girl”. White men don’t seem know it, but you guys have a SLIGHT tendency to treat black women as a fetish or an acquisition, something that you can whisper to your frat brothers and buddies about later. this is the very dehumanizing that she feels you guys are so willing to put on women of color and why, YET AGAIN, she has made the decision for herself (and it doesn’t impact you so get over yourself) to steer clear of having to have THIS VERY conversation with a man she thought she loved.

          • Jonathan Abernathy

            Haha, you got me ;) . I’m the reason some black women don’t date white men. You’ve found me out!

    • Mztress_Isis

      Your “I have a black wife” argument is the equivalent of “But I have a black friend!!!” or “My grandma was a Cherokee princess!”
      I’m not buying it.

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        Um, what are you not buying? That it doesn’t make me racist? So I am, in fact, a racist, and I just married a person of a different color skin to hide my racism?

    • janet

      You don’t actually understand what racism is. And in (a) showing what you don’t know and (b) minimising the OP’s concerns, you unknowingly make her point for her. You don’t understand privililege, and I am afraid you’re as defensive as hell. Luckily for you and your marriage, all us black folks don’t think the same a each other.

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        I’m sure there is a good bit about privilege that I don’t understand, given that I was born into it – I’ll gladly concede that! I’m among the most privileged of the privileged in the world, having been born a white American male. There would be no way to dispute that fact, even if I wanted to! You are absolutely right.

        I think I am approaching the OP’s comments from an individual perspective, whereas a lot of the comments here are about society at large. Racism does exist in our society, and although it’s (hopefully) dissipating from where it was 200 years ago, 100 years ago, 50 years ago, etc. etc., it’s still there. I think I took personal offense on an individual level because I feel like she would (by her own admission) profile me unfairly based on the color of my skin. I realize that happens rarely to anyone who’s white in our country, but it still stings when you feel it. I think we’re talking in two different arenas here – one being individual inter-personal relationship and the other being society at large :) .

    • Goodhall

      The comment below was a response you, Jonathan, and not Pmang.

    • katherinejane

      I feel like this article comes from a very ignorant and shut off viewpoint. I am a white female, but what does that matter? I was sexually assaulted by a black man and since I have dated a black man. To say that “I can never date a black man because they’re all like the one who assaulted me,” is a judgmental generalization that needs to be forgotten. I’m so sick of segregation, and yes, there are still many forms of segregation in the world today. Comments like “she’s pretty for a black girl,” or “she has a nice butt for a white girl,” are hurtful and only reversing society. No changes are being made toward equality. I would love to see all women, no matter the color of their skin, join together as women of this beautiful world.

      • Jonathan Abernathy

        Stop using logic and making sense! Stop being so levelheaded! ;)

  • SomeDude

    Hey, that’s cool- most of us don’t want to date a woman who thinks we’re colonial, racist, and ignorant because we lack melanin. Can you imagine that relationship? “Honey, would you like to go to that new Italian place that opened up?” “Oh, another Eurocentric dining establishment? How typical of you!” “Well, we could go to the Ethiopian place” “So you can appropriate African culture with your tastebuds of oppression? Check your privilege!”.

    Yeah, no thanks.

  • Kyozou

    Quick observation, while this focuses on the differences between races, why does the author capitalize black, but not white? Are we finally experiencing racism against whites?

  • Liz Lemon

    The commenters crying “racism!” fundamentally misunderstand Kristen’s piece, which is sad because they’re probably the ones who have the most to gain from it. Nowhere in the essay does the author say that she believes people of color SHOULDN’T date white people; she simply talks about the personal experiences she’s had and, as a result, why she generally chooses not to enter into romantic relationships in which tangles of racial privilege often make both parties uncomfortable. She says, again, that she is open to friendships with white men, just not romantic relationships, because the uniquely vulnerable positions of romantic partners make balance a particular challenge when one person has to repeatedly come to grips with their privilege IN THE CONTEXT of their relationship. Such a dynamic, the author explains, puts undue strain on romance, and gets in the way of what love should ideally be like–two people “stripping themselves of identity tags and existing simply as two souls in love.” Her perspective is fresh and nuanced, and she explains very well the difficulties she personally has, all the while being careful not to generalize or prescribe behavior to others. I’m a woman of color who often dates white men, but I can definitely appreciate this thoughtful, well-reasoned and articulated piece, especially for the way it discusses the complexities of intersecting identities and subtle power imbalances in relationships, both of which ought to be discussed much more often.

    None of Kristen’s beliefs are born of racist biases. She doesn’t say that white people are inherently worse, just that they’re privileged. History has borne a long legacy of racist oppression that still informs the way interactions happen today. This, to anyone who has taken a history class, should be undeniable. Everyone saying that Kristen should be content to just be a “human,” or an “American” doesn’t fully understand her point about affirming her black identity as opposed to conforming to hegemonic cultural ideals, which dictate that minorities whitewash themselves in order to be accepted. Statements like “aren’t we all x anyway?” are routinely used in order to diminish or dismiss the value of marginalized identities, without ever getting at the root causes of the persistence of racism, sexism, and other prejudices entrenched in our society.

    Thanks, Kristen, for writing such a good, thought provoking piece.

    • StefaniaBelmondo

      If you want to bring in historical privileges, men in general should be out of her options. She should only date black women of the exact same background as herself. The maybe she could stop calculation the levels of privilege in her relationship. Unless of course one of them is prettier and gets treated better in our patriarchal society.

      Oh God, where does it end?

    • mmandhai

      She doesn’t actually talk about any personal experiences she has had, she only says she imagines what those experiences would be like. As for not telling other people whom they should or should not date, she doesn’t explicitly state anything but she does imply that when she see’s couples of biracial nature she imagines that the woman involved is subjugated to a loss of free will. She does actually say that she feels that other people must deal with it in their relationships, which is sort of a generalization.

  • applescruff

    This is so incredibly counter-intuitive. As a PERSON [ethnically mixed just like every last one of us] dating another person who “happens” to be a white male, I find this article offensive. I am and have always been a feminist, and when I started dating my current partner, we had many discussions about our beliefs and values. He had never really given much thought to feminism- not that he didn’t support the cause, women’s issues were just something he wasn’t especially familiar with. However, I didn’t totally discount him simply because he could be labeled as a white male, and surprisingly he listened to me and took the points he made. Now he shows me new articles about feminism all the time- despite his white male tendency to want to exploit my body and the bodies of darker women (sounds a little racist when you say it that way, doesn’t it?) I also take offense to your comments about people that “happen” to be black. One of my very best friends “happens” to be black- he certainly acknowledges that people perceive him a certain way because of the color of his skin and the kinkiness of his hair, but he doesn’t let his physical features play a defining role in his identity. He lets his mind guide his likes and dislikes, speech patterns, and behavior.
    Honestly, you are being completely and totally unfair and pretty damn racist. Isn’t the whole point of this movement that people can’t help the way they’re born? You are rejecting “white males” on the basis of what you perceive about that particular group rather than getting to know any of the people behind the label you’ve put on them. You’re not upsetting privilege, you’re just limiting yourself based on ideas you’ve formed and applied to a large group of people.

  • Marie

    It’s not fair to judge one man by the behaviors of men of the same pigmentation.

  • Brian

    Am I reinforcing pernicious systems which oppress people everywhere when I get an education and earn an engineering degree with college paid for by military service? Are my black coworkers who have done the same also reinforcing that system too? What about my Asian coworkers?

    I am quite happy with the author’s basic premise though. Any relationship with a white male would end badly for both of them. Relationships should be based on mutual respect, and no white person can earn her respect doing the same things that a non-white person does to earn her respect. If you don’t think that is racist, then we have different definitions of the word.

  • dragonflies

    I can certainly understand not wanting a relationship that comes with a power-imbalance. I am a bisexual female, but I am homoromantic largely because there would be so many things I would be uncomfortable with in a hetero relationship because of the baggage of perceived gender inequality. I feel safe crying in front of my girlfriend. I wouldn’t feel safe to cry in front of a boyfriend because of the weak-crying-woman-being-comforted-by-strong-rational-man trope. Not because the hypothetical boyfriend would mean to employ that, or even see his hypothetical response at all differently than my girlfriend sees her response, but because it would read to me as a performance and reinforcement of gender stereotypes. That being said, the blanket condemnation of heterosexual relationships is not something that occurs to me. There are many of them that do have horrible problems because of the power imbalance. There are also many others that are very rewarding, functional, and in which both parties are committed to seeing each other as equals, and where the man involved is committed to understanding and checking his male privileges. So where this article lost me was the assumption that all interracial relationships involving Black women and White men are inherently violent and soul-crushing for the woman. I’m sure plenty of them are, and no doubt those couples have a lot of baggage to deal with, both internally vis-a-vis each other, and externally, from people projecting things onto their relationship. But if a couple is committed both to each other and to giving a giant finger to the assumptions stacked against them, more power to them. I suppose I think it is one thing to say that you, personally, are not comfortable with a relationship that has a societal power-imbalance built into it, but I cannot agree with saying that everyone else should be as well.

  • peacecat92

    I seriously don’t understand this. He can no more help that he was born a white male than she can help that she was born a black woman, yet she’s judging him and all other white men because of that. Yes, there is both white and male privilege, and all of them should be made aware of it. But I don’t get all the anger at a man who’s simply expressed interest in her. And I really don’t get the way she uses the word “black”. Black is an adjective for physical appearance. I don’t see how that should affect who you actually are.

  • Guest

    So, my friends and I have been discussing this, and we have some questions. By this logic, would it be okay for a black man to
    date a white woman? Does her white privilege counter his male privilege,
    does one of them overwhelm the other, or am I just grasping at straws
    here? And if
    male privilege counts, then white girls shouldn’t date white guys, right?
    Because then they would have to force the guy to acknowledge his male
    privilege. So really, the only valid relationships would be homosexual,
    homoracial relationships. Or possibly white girl and black dude, if
    they do indeed even out. And where does this leave Asians, Hispanics, and mixed-race people? This all just seems like a very complicated system.

  • Matt Scïence Bounds

    Ok, so, my friends and I have been discussing this article, and we have some questions. First off, by this logic, would it be ok for a white girl to date a black guy? Would his male privilege counteract her white privilege? Or would one overwhelm the other? And if male privilege counts, then does that mean white girls and white guys shouldn’t date? Because then the guy’s privilege would be outweighing the girl’s. So the only valid relationships would be homosexual, homoracial relationships. Or white girl and black guy, if those do indeed even out. And where does this leave Asians, Hispanics, and mixed-race people? Do you average their respective privileges? Are they additive? Multiplicative? This is all a very complicated system.

  • Dave Taylor

    I just wonder if you direct guys to this page. I see the reasoning, as I acknowledge I am a beneficiary if white male hegemonic normalization, and therefore must struggle to remind myself of the privileges I have just by being a white guy. I like, frankly, that you are attempting to upset the privilege of whiteness, so, I have to ask about the blow-off. How do you do it? If I, as a white, straight, male asked you out, said “Hey, can I take you out for a drink sometime?” (for the record, not asking, as it would be completely inappropriate), how would you tell me no? This, I think, is crucial. If explain your reasoning, I immagine you WILL be taken to be racist, but if you don’t then do you accomplish the interruption you desire, the kind of interruption that leads to changing minds?

    So, here it is: I want to know more. Intellectually this argument intrigues me, and I would like to know more about it before I make a decision about how I feel about it. I am tempted toward skepticism, except that I am a firm believer in the idea of rocking the boat, in “waking it up in the middle of the night by dumping a bucket of water on it, and telling it to run five miles before dawn,” as you so very eloquently put it. We need changes in the way we consider race in this country, no doubt. I believe one way to do this is to recognize that individuals, unlike groups, have the capability of being exceptional (I will also recognize that this exceptionality happens less with white males, who do not see a need to change, as they are, more often than not, blind to their own racism/white privilege) so we ought to strive to find the exceptional people, or, at least, to give people the opportunity to be exceptional.

    On a far different note, you seem like you have read Charles Mills and Falguny Sheth?

  • Angel

    All I got from this article, is how stuck in the past you are. Let all of that resistance go! That white man who is flirting with you could be the man you always wanted. Why let skin color get in the way of that?

  • blackwomanwholovesblackmen

    When did wanting a partner of your own race become a bad thing? If a Chinese man were to say that he only wanted to date and eventually marry a Chinese woman, or an Indian woman saying the same in reference to Indian men,would such statements be met with the same backlash? OF COURSE NOT!!! I have no idea on earth why it’s ok for others but yet black people are supposed to be a part of this rainbow coalition when it comes to choosing partners..its ridiculous! Lots of black men and women are open to interracial relationships. Hell, some don’t even date within their race. But again, is there something wrong with not subscribing to the same mindset? I am a black woman and I do not date outside of my race. I don’t have to be “open” to dating others. It’s called free will! Get over yourselves.

    She is stating why she doesn’t want a white man. That is her right. Furthermore, I too cannot see myself being with a white man in part because of slavery. My ancestors were enslaved, beaten, raped, denied rights as people, not considered people, denied an education etc and yet Im supposed to happily take a white dick? Umm…something just seems off about that to me. I also do not feel that a man of a different race could really understand my struggle and me fully…and last time I checked, aren’t relationships based on compatibility?

    These are MY choices. I owe no one any kind of explanation for how I feel or who I choose to date.

    While I will say that I can find men of other races attracTIVE, I am not attraCTED to them. I find beauty in black men (the same way that woman of other races find beauty in them) I want a black husband. I want black children. The end.

    Kristen, I applaud you for stating your opinion in this open forum despite the criticism that you opened yourself up to. Thank you for being proud to be black and proud to say, this is how I feel, this is what I will not do and I make no apologies for it. The double standard that your comments reflect is crazy to me. But I support you. #Salute

  • Luke

    Good for you. I don’t date other races either, as a white man. I am proud of my white European ancestors as the blacks should be proud of their African ancestors.

  • PaisleySchz

    I respect your choice to not date outside your own race. However, this part of the article severely bothers me, “I’m more interested in protecting myself, and preserving the integrity of my personal politics than I am in indulging this man in his arbitrarily piqued interest in me. My singular rejection of this guy is just one loss for him in the arsenal of many wins afforded him at birth for no reason other than the fact that he was born a white guy. His expectation of universal access to all colors of women is just another of his privileges that I, in this instance, am disrupting.”

    I am sorry that you feel having an intimate connection with a white male would damage pride as an self-identified black woman. This text makes it clear you feel others that do so dishonor themselves and the memory of slavery in america. It’s shame that you cannot see beyond this “win-lose” scenario, because most of us out there do. Women of color are not “endangered” by their sexual exploits with white men. They are not being taken advantage of, and while there are many injustices we women of color must endure, we do not dishonor anyone by sharing our hearts with someone who is worthy of it. You make the assumption that white privilege somehow means the individual is dishonorable in their actions or intentions, that is false.

    Its fine to be uncomfortable dating someone, whom you are not attracted to. But do not call them “privilege blind” or a responsible party for racism if you do not even know them. You do not know if his interest was arbitrary or not. He could be a great, empathic person or her could be a promiscuous dick; you will never know because of your prejudice.

    And also, men that I speak to do not get “access to me.” I am not a book or an object, I am a person. What do you think that by denying him acces to you, you are making yourself some kind of commodity? Being a woman of color, and denying someone access to you based on that factor doesn’t do anything productive, all it does is alienate you from reality.

    • Rachel

      Only 9% of African-American women who marry, marry outside of their race. So women like you are in the minority, not the majority.

  • thatgirl

    Wow… dude… you probably need to stop speaking on things you have no clue about.

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      How does RiverTam have no clue?

  • Deni

    Personally, I understand where she is coming from and I respect her decision for not dating White men.

    I am a 22 year old Black woman. I’ve mostly dated outside my race (most Asian men…haha… but I’ve dated White men before.) I had a very bad experience with the White men I’ve dated. I was even called the “N word” by one of them (at the end of the relationship of course). Honestly, it is difficult to see myself with another White man after that because that word shouldn’t have been said at all…. I shouldn’t brand all White men as racist… so… I will simply take some time to get over that…

    It is true that Black people and White people have different experiences. Perhaps, it brings new perspective to the table.

    Though, I do not think that a White man/White woman should say that they understand our experience because they are married to/dating someone of color…

  • Yup


    not relevant to this conversation

    >white male with no heritage or culture to speak of

    except…. your European, American, or Euro-diaspora culture? Being white isn’t a blank canvass; assuming such assumes that European culture is just kind of neutral ‘normal culture’, and is basically Eurocentric- establishing only the culture of the ‘Other’ as ‘culture’, and your own stuff as just normal.

  • Thomas Hayes


  • Skittlepie

    Why cant it be as simple as he finds you cute? Why does everything have to be so incredibly complex? Who can explain attraction? It is exhausting picking apart and analyzing every little thing. We are all different and most of us have no idea our ancestry. To be dismissed or dismiss someone due to something they had no control or choice in is just crazy.

    • Jade

      Maybe he is just trying to be friendly since he recognizes her from work. It might not even be romantic. Give the guy a break.

  • Renee A M Reives

    I get that people have their preferences. I for one, would prefer to date outside the race. Why? Because black guys don’t do it for me. Now, I’m someone that is willing to date anyone that I have things in common, so if he is black, well cool. I love history and I am not one to allow people to forget history, not even myself. I love to see black people doing well and will feel embarrassed if they act stereotypical (ghetto). I have been called an Uncle Tom and even white based on my upbringing and opinions, but this is who I am. I don’t want to be put in a group where it seems as though all we do is wrong. I’m proud to be black, but if people walk over the legacy of what our ancestors have done to secure a place in society, I can’t get down with that. Since I am someone that is seen as doing well and on my way to a great career, I want someone else that is doing the same. That is typically white guys, sorry to say. I have met those few black guys doing well or on their ways to greatness and I think they are awesome but through personal experience with said people, won’t have more than a friendship with them. I understand the authors plight with white men and black women’s history, but I won’t punish them for their ancestors mistakes.

    • Guest

      LOL You look like a man in your picture. So much for a sellout! Black is beautiful and you will find a Black man who has a lot in common with you instead of White men.
      I could never sell out my race like you did and date a White male.

      • Renee A M Reives
      • evesforeva

        I have more in common with a white feminist than I do with a sexist black man. I have more in common with a white second generation American than I have with an African American. Please do not reduce me to the color of my skin.

        This goes beyond ignoring my gender identity, personality, education level, job, religion, hobbies, desires, goals, hopes, birth order, favorite restaurant, libido. African Americans treat me with the same xenophobia and ethnocentrism as the white Americans whose ancestors brought their ancestors here. You have more in common with them than you do with me.

        We are not even the same color. There are many different shades of black African skin. We’re much more varied than black African Americans. Your country is a monolith; my continent is diverse.

        You are American. That is your culture, your background, your history. I had to learn to be American, and struggle with my American identity not ERASING my heritage.

        Dating an African American IS selling out for me. Black may be beautiful, but it is not homogenous.

  • Neecy

    Black women like you are so damn irritating. NO ONE GIVES A FLOCK! The fact you had to write this long ignorant assed article about why you won’t date someone says a lot.

    Please do all of us progressive minded Black women a favor and stick with Black men.

    You sound real ignorant and stupid.

    But i guess when you actually GROW UP and recognize Black men do not feel the same way and will step all over you to get to the next woman of ANY OTHER RACE that he finds attractive and worthy of a relationship, you will stick your foot in your pie hole for writing this nonsense.

    • LikesToKeepItReal

      I date who I want lol. I agree with you. I don’t wait on black men. I’m into all types of men but black men are not the only men in this world.

  • Neecy

    WHO CARES? i’m sure this White man will not be hurting for dates. But I am POSITIVE you will since most Black men don’t ascribe to this nonsense you wrote and will date and marry women of any race/creed as long as he finds her attractive. Guess what that means? You get no special “PRIVLEDGES” b/c you are a Black woman who thinks, feels that a Black man should choose you first.

    So when you and a group of your single “sistafriends” are sitting around watching Black men hand in hand with other races of women – you just SUCK IT UP and accept that they don’t think the way you do and you have NO RIGHT talking down about Black men who choose to date any race he chooses while you sit on your Black n Proud high horse trying to make a statement.

    I think its clear Black men refuse to give Black women that “priveldige” of exclusivity that so many of you think you deserve. So what goes around comes around baby.

    The problem with Black women like you is – you can have all your racist and ignorant beliefs (that only end up hurting YOU in the end) but what really irks me most about YOUR KIND is that you start bitching and whining when Black men do not uphold this same nonsense of not dating out the race.

    If you and the rest of the BLACK AND PROUD Black women want to sit around waiting on Black men – FINE. Just shut your trap when you realize they don’t feel the same and will exercise their god given right to be with, date, marry and sex whoever they so choose and in MANY CASES these days IT AINT A BLACK WOMAN.

    So keep your beliefs, just stop projecting it on Black men who do not wish to give you as a Black woman first choice in his romantic life b/c he sees all women of any race as a viable partner.

    You can sit and make all of the statements you wish (about your race and white male privledge and why you won’t date them – LOL) , but in the end like so many other Black women, you will find yourself ALONE and unmarried and/or one of very many baby mommas – crying the blues about “brothers not loving their sisters” and dating out the race in droves.

    At this juncture – I don’t blame Black men. WHo wants to be with some close minded ignorant Black woman?

    • Guest

      And you are really a Black woman? You sound like a White supremacist especially with this line,”WHo wants to be with some close minded ignorant Black woman?”

      I am a Black woman and the woman in this article has a right to choice whether or not she wants to date a White male. And I would never in a million years date White men, only Black and Latino men for me.

      • Guest

        Oh and what about Asian men? Or what about mixed? Or Native American?

        Yep I spy a hypocrite!

    • LikesToKeepItReal

      I am open to dating all types of men and not just black men. They’re not the only men in the world either. Black men are into all types and so am I. I’ve notice they don’t wait on black women, so why do black women wait on them? There are so many types of men out there.

    • evesforeva

      She said nothing about black men. You are arguing with the wind. She doesn’t want to date people with white privilege. The article says nothing about black men, Asian men, Native American men, Latino men, mixed men, or any men who aren’t light-skinned enough to have white privilege. The article takes a non-judging stance on mixed race dating. If you are fine with her beliefs as long as they don’t include “bitching and whining” when black men date white women, then you are fine with her beliefs. You are projecting your stereotyped beliefs about black women on the author. You don’t blame black men? She doesn’t even mention them.

    • evesforeva

      Also, not to be pedantic but it’s “subscribe” not “ascribe”, and it’s spelt “privilege”. Avoid using words you’re not sure of the meaning, spellcheck everything you want to draw ATTENTION to, and spell words the same way everywhere you use them. Not saying 3 spelling and grammar errors invalidate your entire argument, but they do make it a bit harder to read.

    • Rachel

      76% of African-American men who marry, marry African-American women.

  • Brice

    I think you are saving that white guy a lot of headaches. There are a lot of black girls out there who won’t agonize so much over a guy flirting with a girl he finds attractive. And that doesn’t make them any less “black” than you.

  • EarthJeff

    ” I wonder what sort of things you would have to say to a white guy with a policy of not dating black girls.”

    She would label him a racist so fast your eyes would spin in their sockets

  • kaydenpat

    No one is forcing you to date White men so I don’t see the point of this article. You can date all the Black men you want to date. Just keep in mind that other Black women can choose to marry/date whoever they want.

    It’s interesting that Black men don’t go around proclaiming that they won’t date White women. They date/marry out all the time. Only Black women go around shouting from the rooftops that they only date/marry Black men.


  • Harry (white man)

    I am a white man, and make no claim to understand the experience of a black woman, but this article makes a lot of sense to me. It just seems logical that if I were in a relationship with a black woman, I would unconsciously reinforce really terrible aspects of white privilege.

    That being said, I would definitely be receptive to my hypothetical black woman partner on conversations about race and how I should change my actions. You are correct in assuming that most men are not like this though. And of course, no matter how much I tried to deconstruct my privilege, it would still be there to an extent.

    Great article!

  • TheBibo Sez

    Who is more of a racist – a white man who doesn’t care about the race of a woman he finds attractive, or a black woman who hates white men for being white?
    If you hate white men so much, then marry one, and make his life a living hell, like most wives do. Start with a false domestic abuse charge – destroy his career and reputation, and toss him in jail. As a feminist, isn’t that the most important thing?

  • Bren

    Your opinion is honest. Please do me a favor: remind your coworker that not all black women think like you and that black women who do are shrinking in numbers on a daily basis. Thanks.

  • Chan Jones

    I think that when I first liked a white guy and thought about dating him, some of the same feelings that the writer has, I also shared. But I think she makes alot of assumptions about any white man that she dates. Generalizing and assuming is dangerous and precludes you from meeting and sharing satisfying relationships with a variety of people (not just romantic partners)

    The idea that a white man wouldn’t understand that they hold a certain amount of white male privilege is a generalization.

    Our legacy of black women being sexually abused by white men is real but there is a legacy of black men abandoning black women for various reasons (the Great Migration in the 1920′s was 60% black men) and we have not given up on them (and we shouldn’t) so to use that as an excuse as to why you won’t date white men seems very disingenous.

  • André

    “I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

    Not saying they did a good job with the whole indivisible thing when they wrote this, but one would hope we’d have gotten it worked out by now. Everyone can be proud of their heritage and blood, but pride does not mean there should be any discrimination towards others; that limits the discriminator as well as the discriminated and denies both of them the potential in the other. How can anyone know what someone else thinks of them by looking at their skin? I wish I was telepathic, but as neat as comics are, I don’t think anyone can actually do that so eat your pizza and get to know someone before you decide that you understand their deep set psychology at a glance. If you have other reasons to not date them, personally I think “in my opinion white people are just not attractive” is reasonable, so be it.

    Btw I’m Scottish, French, Spanish, Irish, Lithuanian, and basically a Euro-mutt white dude, so please proceed to discredit my words because I’m white with honey colored curly locks and green eyes. But just to be obnoxious, I have to restate that you have no idea what my impression of you is, besides “I disagree with some of what you said.”

    • GoldenStar

      Haha, I love your ending. We are all mix in some way or another–so I think its completely unfair to judge someone based on their skin color. I mean, that’s like having a white guy say to me, “Well Im sorry I can’t date you because your black.” Errmm…okay. This is very well written article and raised alot of great points but on the same note, I think she is taking the innocent flirting of a guy who may/may not even like her into a complex meaning. At the end of the day(just my opinion) it isn’t such a big deal. Someone likes you? You either like them back or you dont. Why bring race into it?

  • Julian Cheslow

    I come from a interracial marriage, specifically a white dad and black mom…and i don’t think there is anyone on earth who can stop my mom from exercising her free will.

  • Martha Gomez

    i clicked on this article because i wanted to be enlightened on why someone doesn’t date white men. I am a Latina woman who is predominantly attracted to white men, have a wide majority of white male friends and have dated more white men than Latino men. Now, by choosing to date white men i am not condoning their white male privilege. not all white men are abiding by their ancestor’s racists actions. i do understand, as a woman of color, that we must be careful or that we always conceptualize life in terms of race and gender. I do it when i watch tv shows and movies but only to enhance my viewing experience. I can’t really pinpoint when or how i began to like white men but it definitely has to do with the social environment i’ve been in for the past few years, and even to the media’s constant portrayal of the handsome white male in a lead role to save or do justice. perhaps i have conceptualized the media’s portrayal but i believe that i have more agency in choosing whom to love or date. i understand that our ancestors have experienced such harsh discrimination and many have died to pave the way for us, but to only let that dictate our lifestyles is not really doing it justice. with the proper education, we can all become aware of the injustices that are directed at everyone, regardless of age, sex, race, religion, nationality, sexual orientation and gender identity. sure, some may experience it more than others but we cannot let such injustices pave our ways. therefore, by freely choosing to date white men, i am not putting my ethnicity aside, i am embracing it and obviously so are the white men i date. i could definitely date a Latino man, so long as he is aware of the experiences and world around him, but then if that is the case for every person in the world, then I shouldn’t limit myself. humans are diverse and skin color is but a small factor. are a white couple who fell in love racist for not choosing to date black people? definitely not, but i am not considering their individual histories. what breeds attraction is more a factor of where and with whom we socialize. sure, we still have some agency but we cannot be so strict regarding our lives. how else would we learn? As a Latina first generation college graduate, I am already in the majority and with that comes a load of privilege. What I do with that privilege is completely up to me, so long as i don’t further oppress others. By choosing to date white men, I am not condoning white male power and a white person’s choice to date black people is not to make amends for years of discrimination. I don’t let my people’s history get in the way of my love but I don’t forget it either. I am an individual who is constantly shaped by past, present and future histories. now, if you don’t want to date a white male, that is fine. but don’t miss out on love simply because of the color of their skin. love is pure and should not be so racially conceptualized. regardless, i wish you best in your future dating endeavors and hope that you can see past color and just enjoy the shared human experience two people can produce.

  • JonathanNathan

    At the risk of accidentally becoming a mansplainer (and please nobody hesitate to call me out on it if that’s what I’m doing here)…

    “My policy against dating white men exists in part because I’m not in the business of coddling privilege. Rather, I’m in the business of unsettling privilege ­– of waking it up in the middle of the night by dumping a bucket of water on it, and telling it to run five miles before dawn.”–OK, I get that. But a couple of thoughts come to mind. First: You don’t think there are white guys who’d be very willing to listen to you on such subjects? Second: Can’t some of life just be about having a good time? Must we unsettle privilege every waking moment? Why can’t you not have dated any white guys because you just haven’t met one you liked that way yet? That’s why I haven’t dated any black women. Just haven’t come across a black woman who was both available and appealing to me in that way. It doesn’t have to be like a thing.

    “I would be compelled to hold this man accountable to recognizing his white male privilege, while he would likely resist the discomfort of learning that his actions and words reinforce pernicious systems of oppression which oppress masses of people everywhere.”–As a white man, I’m going to say that I feel like you’re painting with a pretty broad brush. I don’t think I resist that discomfort, and I don’t think I’m the only one who can say that. Sure, a lot of white guys are assholes about this stuff. Even most of us. But not all of us.

    “I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship.”–I’m not entirely sure what this means. I would guess that any conditioned expectations of privilege in that situation would come more from gender dynamics than race dynamics. Which is not to say that’s not a problem, but it’s not just a white-guy problem, it’s a guy problem. Speaking strictly for myself, my thought process during sex is usually, “Hey, what fun this is!” I’m not even sure how race dynamics would play out in that situation. What privilege am I supposedly expecting?

    “I don’t pretend that on the whole, racialized inequality in relationships goes uncontested by the black women affected”–But you do suggest that it’s impossible to avoid, which seems a bit pessimistic, especially for someone who’s never been in such a relationship and therefore has little more than conjecture from which to draw that viewpoint.

    “However, I’m more interested in protecting myself, and preserving the integrity of my personal politics than I am in indulging this man in his arbitrarily piqued interest in me.”–Ms. Maye, I cannot imagine you enjoy yourself at parties if this is how you approach matters of leisure.

    “My singular rejection of this guy is just one loss for him in the arsenal of many wins afforded him at birth for no reason other than the fact that he was born a white guy.”–You’re assuming that he only views you as an object of conquest. It is possible, you know, that he views you as a human being that he is attracted to. (On the other hand, he’s kind of violating appropriate standards of behavior in the workplace, so there’s that.)

    “His expectation of universal access to all colors of women is just another of his privileges that I, in this instance, am disrupting.”–Your view of this guy is so incredibly dehumanizing that I find it very hard to believe you really do think he’d be fun to hang out with in a platonic context.

  • Liz

    It was so interesting to hear your perspective on dating white men. How do you think white people in general, who recognize and feel acutely aware and guilty about their privilege, can best try to move forward and embrace and reach the stage of successful intimate relationships with those they have historically oppressed?

    • ohminus

      How can someone in their early twenties have “historically oppressed” someone unless it was as a schoolyard bully? And why should they feel “guilty” about a societal development they had no power to change? They can change the hear and now, neither the 1800s nor the 1900s. Guilt-tripping people, however, is unlikely to be conducive to their readiness to do just that. More, even when we limit the discussion to American white males, they might have immigrated themselves just a few years ago and even their ancestor not having any part of the oppression by sheer fact of not being there.

      Yes, they might enjoy privleges. But they certainly didn’t bring them about. And suggesting that they should act as if, even if neither they nor any of their ancestors had any part in it, by sheer fact of their skin color – what is that but racial prejudice? It’s no different from holding all Jews responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus.

  • AK

    Ok, after reading this piece as well as some of the
    comments, I can see how some commenter’s blatantly missed the point of Maye’s
    article. She is not suggesting that interracial dating should never take place.
    She is merely highlighting an issue that permeates our culture, which is white
    privilege. Most of the commenters feel inclined to share their personal “race”
    identifications as well as their partner’s racial designation; however, that’s
    irrelevant to her main point. You are not “less” black if you date a white man.
    She’s stating that it can be intrinsically difficult to date someone who
    occupies a “privileged” status in
    America. Similarly, as a feminist woman, I absolutely love my fiancé; however,
    I can openly admit (and I’m sure many other women can as well) that it’s
    absolutely fucking difficult to date a “man” because he has so many
    unrecognized privileges that get in the way of him understanding my particular
    position in society. Watching a simple mainstream film can spark an 18 hour
    conflict because of the ways in which the industry is geared towards young
    white men like him. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. It just means that
    since we’re so different (in regards to our statuses in society) that we spend
    most of our time having intense conversations about oppression and privilege. (Usually
    I’m the one EXPLAINING to him how privilege works in his life and how systemic
    subjugation works in mine)

    I am biracial (white and black…although society would label
    me as black) and I am engaged to a white man. I can completely understand a
    woman of color never dating a white
    man BECAUSE of those unchecked privileges that many white people have
    systemically. Mayes openly stated that she was attracted to this white man;
    however, she is referring to a systemic problem that has manifested into an
    individual problem.

    A white man saying that he won’t’ date black women is
    COMPLETELY different from a black woman saying that she won’t date white men.
    Their statements don’t hold equal weight because their social positions don’t.
    We are not post-racial. IN a society where black women are deemed as inferior
    and ugly, white men who shy away from black women are merely subconsciously subscribing
    to a cultural script that is racist. However, for a black woman to neglect
    advances from white men for SYSTEMIC STRUCTURAL reasons is a type of conscious activism.
    I have soooo many feminist woman friends who said that if their boyfriends
    dumped them they would start dating women JUST because men have so many
    unchecked privileges. Let’s learn to separate the system from the individual or
    else you will misinterpret Mayes’ article.

    I would imagine that Mayes’ disinterest in dating white men
    has less to do with their skin color and more to do with their unchecked

    • ohminus

      You are free to imagine what you want, but it is impossible to know about “unchecked privileges” unless you actually engage someone. Anything else is just one thing: prejudice.

  • Bree

    I appreciate your thoughts. I agree with your general view of many people not fully understanding privilege and the historical oppression of black women by white men – but you are making a lot of generalised assumptions about individual people and individual relationships. You may not want to be put in a class of people but I am going to do it to you :) – you sound very young, in fact I heard my own 22 year old self in your words! Big on theory and pronouncements (which is great) but low on experience (as I was too). I was a lesbian from 18 to 32 and I refused to have heterosexual friends. Why would I put my energy into women who put their energy into the very group of people who oppressed them? You can’t get a stronger case of oppression in all societies I believe than the oppression of women by men. Then in my early 30s I started to desire men. This turned my world up and challenged my sense of identity, politics and community more then anything else I have done. I couldn’t deny my desires however and now I am happily a bisexual woman and what I am grateful for, most of all, is the opportunity this unwelcome change had on my openness, humanity and ability to embrace others. I began to experience men in all their diversity – lots of confirmation of my negative ideas but also lots of experiences of men who confronted my ideas. I also became friends with lots of heterosexual women, many who had just a strong opinion about men as me, and have loved the increasing diversity of my group of friends – its benefited me enormously to be around people of different identities, experiences and beliefs than mine. Interestingly, I have found, as a white woman, myself to me most attracted to men of colour. Why? – Apart from the obvious (to me) that generally people of colour are more beautiful, I also feel more comfortable with men who haven’t lived a life of privilege but have insights into power. If a black or brown man didn’t want to be with me because he chose to be with someone who could affirm. through shared experience, his cultural and racial background I would of course understand, as I used to feel like that too. I really think you should step outside your self imposed view points and experiment a little – start with treating the white flirty guy as a human, not as a pre-determined entity of viewpoints. You can say straight out ‘You look fun to hang around with but I don’t generally flirt with white men for A, B and C’…..see what he says….he may respond disappointedly (then you can forget about him and rule him out of your world) or he may respond in a much more enlightened way then you expected. Sorry for the unexpectedly long rave! It’s great to hear from feisty, thoughtful young women – just don’t let your opinions determine your experiences in life :)

  • Guest

    LOL you are so clueless on this topic, it is unreal!

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      How is RiverTam clueless? Elaborate please…

  • Guest

    As a Black woman, I love and respect my race and don’t plan on diluting it with White and non Black blood. I believe that Blacks should stick together and procreate and build our own communities instead of relying on and kissing Whitey’s ass. This Black woman, I applaud her for not wanting to date this White man. Most White men in this country think that they are all that and that they are the best in everything. I don’t desire them as partner or husbands and would never date or marry a White American male especially if he came from the town I lived in.

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      Haha, it’s you again! Do you realize that your rhetoric sounds VERY similar to the rhetoric of groups like the Klan and the Aryan Nation? I just thought I’d point that out to you, so you can be better informed in your racism :) .

  • Ashley

    This article is disturbing for me on so many levels because I, an educated black woman, am soon to marry a white man. I think it is important to have an understanding of our history and that our partners have an understanding of it as well, but it is extremely unfair to place the entire reputation and history on people who weren’t there. Is it okay to be angry at the oppression our people have faced and still face? Absolutely. Is it okay to hold that responsibility of an entire generation of men on my soon to be husband? Absolutely NOT. The same as I can’t speak for every black female in this country, especially you, you can’t hold other people to the same regard. You may be missing out on a love that is truly exceptional which is the love that I have experienced. My partner is amazing and in no way oppresses me nor does is privilege affect our relationship. We are both aware that that privilege is real and lasting and that the reality of our children will be different than the reality of his upbringing. However, to discount a person’s ability to love based on an ugly history is merely reproducing that history again. You are merely perpetuating the same ugly, judgmental, and simply racist state of mind that got our country into the mess that it is in today. I think a better approach would be to give into your temptation to date a white man, which it seems to me by the undertones in this article that you want to do, and teach him of his privileges and love him beyond those privileges and prove to the world that at least one man is better than what you thought and what others may think. All I can say is that my partner, being white and from a family of many multiracial relationships, is amazing and no one can take that away from us. Maybe you were born two generations too late.

    • LikesToKeepItReal

      Great speech

    • Black Racism

      hats off to you, both.
      I have been married more than once and both times it was interracial (and international).
      Much of the time I feel like a cultural ambassador(unpaid).
      other times, despite being broke much of the time, I feel rich.
      The interracial and international relationship has been much harder, but very rewarding.
      I hope and pray for you both that you live long and of course prosper

    • Zuree Imani


  • A

    Merriam-Webster definition of racism:

    1: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race
    2: racial prejudice or discrimination

    While your personal feelings are perfectly valid, some of your thinking here is racist.

  • redpillmtl

    It’s funny you mention privilege without checking yours. Imagine this was written by a white guy about black girls. You, I and everyone else knows he would be labeled a racist. But it’s fine for you to outrightly state most white men are immature and cannot recognize their privilege and that you would feel a duty to hold him accountable for the crime of being white. My god this is ludicrous.

    Stick to dating whatever you’ve been dating since it works for you

    • LikesToKeepItReal

      I agree so much.

  • Humane

    I think it’s rather sad to consign a fairly large constituency of humanity from your love based upon generalized history of their generalized race, closing off possibilities of healing old wounds by isolating generalized ethnic populations. How many generations will it take for the white man to pay his debt to the oppressed before he may interact as equals in their eyes? Will the generations for the Slavic Lithuanian immigrant be lesser or equal to the time for the WASP Americans that have ancestry dating back to Plymouth? Or the Japanese man to the nationalities that his people oppressed and abused during their empire? Or the Hispanic colonials and their Native victims? Or the Russians and the Chechens? The Han and the Uighurs? The Israelis and Caanites, Egyptians and Israelis, etc, etc. Isolation of groups to us and them is what sets up the roots of oppression in most cases, contributing to it will not heal but it will hurt.

  • Namara Coleman

    I don’t know why this is even an article because while you’re sitting here talking about why you don’t date white men because of oppression and blah blah blah what about BLACK MEN and the way they disrespect us black women? They rather get down on their knees and kiss white women’s feet than to treat us right. Getting into an interracial relationship was the best thing I have ever done but to each its own. Just know black men ain’t sh*t either.

    • LikesToKeepItReal

      I agree so much Namara. This was seriously unnecessary and not all BM are great men. I like all types of men.

    • LikesToKeepItReal

      I agree so much Namara.

  • W.J.Tuinstra

    Wow, just wow, want an insightful and important piece.

  • LikesToKeepItReal

    I understand her piece. I’m open to dating men who aren’t black. Race doesn’t matter and I was not raised with that mindset to wait on black men. I understand racism also. I was raised in a Nigerian household in America. My parents are immigrants who’ve gone through racism in this country. I won’t partake in forcing my dating preferences down your throat, as I’m open to all types of men. Plus, you only like black men, which is your set preference. One thing is, that I won’t put the Wright of the actions on others on a man that may have no relation to those others. Understand everyone is different. Your views may come off as ignorant and racist to others. You are entitled to them though.

  • LikesToKeepItReal

    I think a LOT of black people need to stop holding onto slavery. It’s ridiculous. The man had nothing to do with it. The article was honestly unnecessary.

  • LikesToKeepItReal

    There are good looking men out there who are NOT black and who are open to taking you out, having a good man, and treating you well. I’m happy I’m not close minded. Men are men, the racial issues come after.

  • Sara

    Race is a concept that, i think, does not exist anymore. We can’t talk about races at this time. I’m Colombian, I’m white (in appearance) but my father is a little brown. I’m married with a native indigenous of Amazon but when I see him I don’t see a race! Come on! We are all a big mix of colors, not a classification: white, black, brown, yellow.

  • wnjiru

    I can see some of her points but some of them, even as she puts it herself, seem to based on what she imagines it would be like, rather than experience of evidence; that doesn’t entirely undermine it for me, but it does to an extent. I assume she doesn’t think badly of those of us who have lived experience of mixed race relationships,and find them very workable? Because we tend to get enough of a hard time from racists, without people thinking we are also enabling the coddling of privilege. That would be hard. I don’t tend to think too deeply when it comes to love, it comes from the heart.

  • Tarik French

    “‘I’m Black by happenstance. I distance myself from what is conventionally (read,
    negatively) understood as Black. Everything I do, I do not as a Black person,
    but as an individual. I can and do happily blend in with the norm.’ Now we all
    know that whiteness predominates what defines the norm in our society. So when
    people elect to describe themselves as folks who ‘just happen to be black,’
    it’s a deliberate signal to society that they are Black only to the extent that
    the have to be (visibly). They are saying that their Blackness is not the sort
    that rocks the boat — that in fact, their identity could be readily swiped with
    any other random (read white) person’s in the world. In so doing, these folks,
    however unintentionally, are diminishing the value of their Blackness.”

    Given the color of my skin, I’ve always been thought of as “black,” unless
    I was asked to further clarify where else my relatives come from. I’m just
    going to put that out there before I begin this. Black by happenstance? I AM
    black by happenstance. I didn’t choose to be black. That’s what happenstance
    is. It’s a coincidence. Just as many other people happen to hail from other
    parts of the globe (at least this is my personal belief, I’ll couch it that
    way). Everything I do I DO as an individual. I fail to see why this is a bad
    thing. When I think of myself, I don’t think “black me” or “me
    that is black,” I simply think “me.” Race doesn’t factor in, and
    by your own words that seems to be a bad thing. It’s me “diminishing the
    value of [my] Blackness.” Why do I have to place a specific value on my
    blackness? I’m not just black (I’m black, Native American, Indian, Greek and
    German), so why should one receive preference above the others? Just because
    it’s the most readily visible? I reject that.

    Equivalent exchange. By taking your “Blackness” and placing such a high value on
    it, are you not also diminished the value of everything else that you are? I’d
    just like you to consider that. I’ve passed this article around, and honestly I
    think it’s pretty stupid. Inflammatory response? Yes. Any more inflammatory
    that the section I highlighted (let alone the rest of it)? I’m not so sure. But
    back to what I was saying.

    “it’s a deliberate signal to society that they are Black only to the extent that the
    have to be (visibly). They are saying that their Blackness is not the sort that
    rocks the boat” … why does my blackness need to rock the boat? If I’m
    rocking the boat, why does it need to be because I’m black, and not simply
    because the boat needs rocking? This I take serious issue with, largely
    because it’s how I choose to describe myself. I didn’t choose to be black, as I’ve
    said. I just happen to be black. I fail to see the issue with thinking that,
    how it diminishes my blackness as you might say. I happen to be black as other people happen to be white, Asian, and/or a number of other races. It’s not a signal
    that, “Hey! I’m only black on the outside!” if anything it signifies that, yes,
    I am black, but don’t stop there. Get to know what’s on the outside. Honestly,
    if someone’s taking a look at you and judging you at face value then they’re
    really not someone you need to have around. I don’t need to rock the boat. I
    could instead sail it, sleep in it, swim next to it… or abandon the boat altogether. The boat doesn’t define me, as it seems to you, your proverbial box
    so to speak.

    “In doing so, these folks, however unintentionally, are diminishing the value of
    their blackness.” Well, as one of those “folks,” I’ll say this: It’s not me
    diminishing the value of my blackness. It’s you (and people that think that way)
    diminishing the value of ME.

  • mmandhai

    ” I don’t necessarily feel that Black women in these situations are disempowered to the extent that say, an enslaved woman was, but I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship.”

    I find that while my initial reaction was to take exception to the entire article, after giving it some thought I realized it is perfectly within the authors right to assert that she does not date white men. What I took exception to was the aforementioned quote. It is the assertion that she thinks other people experience a power imbalance in their relationship based on their biracial status. Many comments have stated that the author does not state that other people should not date white men, but she clearly implies that those who do so, have no value of themselves or their own pride. That they are losing some of the free will. her own qualification implies that she in fact believes that a woman in such a relationship is giving up large measure of free will. I take exception to the idea that a woman of any color dating a white man is subjugating herself to some sort of misogynistic relationship.

  • Lucille

    I think there are definitely a few things being said at once here. I understand that as a black woman, you feel the need to highlight privilege (white, male, etc), and for any black woman that truly thinks of herself as being Black, the racial histories and differences should be a layer of any romantic relationship (moreso, an interracial one). But don’t you think there are white men out there that understand their privilege? Clearly not as many as there should be, but they do exist, and are willing to have the conversations that conscientious black women want (and feel we need) to have. There’s a big difference between being in a relationship with a white male, who is, just as much as you (in a different way, of course) a product of history of oppression, and being in a relationship with a man who oppresses you. If it went like that, then you should be a lesbian, because being a relationship with any man would be hard because of your feminist convictions.

    And you don’t necessarily say this (but since you’re dealing in generalizations, I think I can too), but your preference in dating black men assumes that the majority of them inherently understand white privilege in a way that is similar to the way you do. I suppose I find this interesting, because while the black men I’ve met, in my own experience as a 22 year old black woman, can immediately connect with me about the existence of white privilege, they rarely perceive it the way I do. So yeah, there may be fewer white guys for you because they’re statistically less likely to “get it”, but maybe you shouldn’t write them off. The alternatives might not be as inherently easy than you think.

  • Lucille

    I read my remarks again, and I want to be clear: I’m not trying to make excuses for white guys, or to make you feel guilty that the guy who already has everything can’t have you. There are a lot of white men who aren’t gonna want to sign up for the kind of relationship you want to have. But it’s not about him, or about white men at-large. As a woman who seems opinionated and who seems to want intellectual discourse in her relationship, I just think you might be selling yourself short because you seem to think only one type of person, with a specific type of experience can offer you that.

  • Lucille

    I think there are definitely a few things being said at once here. I understand that as a black woman, you feel the need to highlight privilege (white, male, etc), and for any black woman that truly thinks of herself as being Black, the racial histories and differences should be a layer of any romantic relationship (moreso, an interracial one). But don’t you think there are white men out there that understand their privilege? Clearly not as many as there should be, but they do exist, and are willing to have the conversations that conscientious black women want (and feel we need) to have. There’s a big difference between being in a relationship with a white male, who is, just as much as you (in a different way, of course) a product of history of oppression, and being in a relationship with a man who oppresses you. If it went like that, then you should be a lesbian, because being a relationship with any man would be hard because of your feminist convictions.

    And you don’t necessarily say this (but since you’re dealing in generalizations, I think I can too), but your preference in dating black men assumes that the majority of them inherently understand white privilege in a way that is similar to the way you do. I suppose I find this interesting, because while the black men I’ve met, in my own experience as a 22 year old black woman, can immediately connect with me about the existence of white privilege, they rarely perceive it the way I do. So yeah, there may be fewer white guys for you because they’re statistically less likely to “get it”, but maybe you shouldn’t write them off. The alternatives might not be as inherently easy than you think.

    I want to be clear: I’m not trying to make excuses for white guys, or to make you feel guilty that the guy who already has everything can’t have you. There are a lot of white men who aren’t gonna want to sign up for the kind of relationship you want to have. But it’s not about him, or about white men at-large. As a woman who seems opinionated and who seems to want intellectual discourse in her relationship, I just think you might be selling yourself short because you seem to think only one type of person, with a specific type of experience can offer you that.

  • Anna

    I think a lot of people are mis-reading your article as promoting that relationships always stay within one race, and I am very sorry for that. I found the article very brave and touching and true. Moreover, I also applaud your personal vision of active black identity. Keep upsetting some privilege, you go girl!

  • Ms. Maye (the author)

    Just to be clear, to all who thought my article was a general indictment of all who choose to be in relationships with white people, I took very special care not to generalize. This is clearly my preference and I fear that if someone read generalizations into my words, that may be a result of their own insecurities. I also make clear that my discomfort is around dating white men, not men of color. So to those who say, my article is anti-interracial dating, it most certainly is not. I can confidently say that I will date most non-white men. I will also admit that in my article, I neglected to mention that this is a position I have right now, at this particular point in my life. I am only 23 and self-growth and knowledge-expansion are both high priorities in my life, so I don’t expect to be in this same place 3-5 years from now. I am not flaunting a rigid stance in this article. Rather, I am describing a space in which I currently reside. While I think it is perfectly valid and very important for women of color to be able to articulate a preference like the one outlined in my article, with no intentions of moving beyond it, I personally do hope to negotiate my politics in such a way that I’m no longer uncomfortable at the idea of dating a white person. Finally, I will say that these comments have overwhelmingly been so surprisingly constructive. I have greatly appreciated the comments from people who have respectfully disagreed by challenging me to look for ways to re-imagine what a relationship can look like so that privilege and power cease to become such powerful deterrents. I also appreciate the comments from folks who have clarified my position to those commentators who misinterpreted my words or who are simply trolling. Shoutout to commentators like Hi, Stephanie, JhSting32, Concerned, Liz Lemon, Nyerere and so many others! Thanks for the feedback :)

    • Mitchell

      It is supremely difficult to even take your “appreciation” seriously when you have not even tried an attempt at actually thinking about the opposing viewpoints and responding to them. Merely finding an eloquent, grandiose, and lengthy way to state, “thanks”, does not somehow make you an open-minded person, and neither does finding an eloquent, grandiose, and lengthy way to state, “No, i might heed your position 5 years down the road.”

    • ohminus

      “I took very special care not to generalize.”

      No, you didn’t. You took care not to generalize black women, but you were very happy to generalize white men.

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      But isn’t it unfair to make such a broad and sweeping generalization about the character of white men based on the history of race relations in our country (and recent western society in general)? We’re not all out to subjugate women or people of color, and we don’t all think that we have sexual rights to any woman we want (as some of the commenters have suggested). I get some of what your saying from a point of society at large (white privilege, etc) but on an individual basis it offends me as a white man. Not that you may reject me romantically (that’s happened to me way to many times by women of several different sahdes :) ), but that you’d reject me solely for my skin color and (it seems) would assume the worst of my motivations (that I’m an oppressor, sexual bully, etc). I’m a white man and I’m not those things, not all of us are evil and maniacal! :) .

      (I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m genuinely sharing my thoughts. Some people in this comment section don’t seem to be capable of remotely decent dialogue, rather preferring venom and spite and even some hate speech here and there.)

      Oh also, my wife is black and she could tell you that, at least for this white male, I’m not evil or out to subjugate her or oppress her or assert my privilege over her :) .

  • Antonia

    Using the author’s reasoning, she should only be dating African-American women.

  • pip

    ALL men need to have their privileged checked- white, black, purple. Racial privilege is quite similar to male privilege and as a woman and a feminist, I am happy to teach each male I date exactly what that privilege is.

  • Sarah

    I am also a black 22 year old woman. I have to say this article makes me very sad to be in the same identity group as this poster. There are tons of black men who do HORRIBLE shit to black women every day. Yes, there is a history of oppression involving white men and black women, but that can be said about almost every racial group and black women. I don’t think by not dating white men you are “sticking it to the man” and denying him of his privilege. I have only ever been sexually harassed on the street by black men. This is also running under the assumption that any white men trying to date you are just seeing you as an exotic object. That assumption is extremely hurtful and only gives more power to the people you are trying to oppose. I think also sticking someone’s privilege to them denies the fact that in doing so, you are exerting your own messed up version of privilege. Don’t pretend that you don’t also have privileges. I think every woman has the right to exert their decision on who to date or not. A preference is a preference. But I feel the reasoning stated here is backwards and not empowering but ignorant. I would date a thousand respectful white men over a black man to show that I am “choosing to be black.” I don’t know many black women who just claim they happen to be black. That is denying this history of oppression that comes with being a woman of color.

  • Adeen

    Personally as a young, Black woman I am thinking of dating White guys. I have had horrible experiences with Black men. I don’t date Black men but I don’t know.

  • roman

    wow, that’s pretty weird, especially considering that no white men are slave owners today and also that many whites in America are very recent immigrants from countries where blacks were not in fact slaves, so the entire thing is …. do him a favour and do not date him.

  • cyb pauli

    This is a hilarious article. You’re black and a woman, trying to avoid sociological power imbalances in your relationships. So you must be a lesbian right? Because if not you will be having the same tense conversations about male privilege with your husband. Did you grow up in the upper or middle classes? If so, be careful, or your spouse may be dumping water on and demanding miles run from your class privilege. I could go on with other types of privilege but you get my point. Yes there is weirdness between my black self and my older, white, from rural Texas partner. Yes we have very tense discussions about his white privilege. Yes I remember daily all too well how many of my ancestors were raped by his. But he is not a slave owner and I am not his slave. I know how I want to be treated and I say what I have to say. He does the same with me. White privilege doesnt go away because a petty black woman rejects a white man’s advances out of hand. It goes away when we work together to educate each other, to listen, to try to stand in the other’s shoes. That takes work and sacrifice, much more than a sneer and a holier-than-thou crusade to “dole out minor upsets.”

  • Mztress_Isis

    If you are (hypothetically) in a relationship with a white male partner, you *should* feel compelled to call him out on his white male privilege. And the (hypothetical) white male partner *should* feel compelled to consciously check his white male privilege. With thise conditions met, the (hypothetical) relationship might actually work.

  • Celia

    For a while I thought I couldn’t even date another man again for similar reasons. I couldn’t stand the thought of constantly being disregarded or invalidated by a person who didn’t even think they were doing so, and didn’t even see how or why it hurt me. I guess I’m lucky to be attracted to men or women or whoever. Funnily enough though, I wasn’t meeting any women and I happened to fall in love with a man (even though I promised myself I wouldn’t). I still have my insecurities, sometimes there are those misunderstandings I was afraid would happen, but they turned out to be really rare and I’m extremely happy with my relationship. I think people should do what they think they need to do to protect themselves in a world that is long past its due date for social equality. If I hadn’t met the ONE guy I could have ever edited my policy for, I guess I’d still be holding out for a girlfriend (or maybe even have a girlfriend).

  • Jordan Holmes

    “My singular rejection of this guy is just one loss for him in the
    arsenal of many wins afforded him at birth for no reason other than the
    fact that he was born a white guy. His expectation of universal access
    to all colors of women is just another of his privileges that I, in this
    instance, am disrupting. And it doesn’t bother me that I am the one
    doling out that one minor upset.”

    I stood and clapped here. I also clapped for the entire paragraph on how the “I just happen to be Black” rhetoric does nothing more than devalue Blackness and the Black experience.

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      Do you truly believe that all white men think that they own all women of all races, and view them as nothing but sexual objects of conquest? Are all white me really that evil, seriously?

  • pimpom

    “Too often, vestiges of that uneven historical relationship are present in my mind and invariably color my observations of contemporary black woman/white man interactions. I don’t necessarily feel that Black women in these situations are disempowered to the extent that say, an enslaved woman was, but I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship. ”

    Could the writer or someone else maybe give an example of what they mean by this? A situation in which this occurs? Because I don’t really understand this bit. Not in a disagreeing way, just in a pure ‘huh?’ way.

    • Starr Jonez

      In a nutshell: historically black women in America in the slave-master society were powerless in their choices and actions as women in sometimes nonconsensual relationships with white men. She is saying that this knowledge of history is always at the back of her mind when considering white men as romantic partners. I’m not 100% clear on the last part, but I think she is saying that culturally white men are most powerful in society (reinforced by the state, the media, institutions), and thus it is ingrained in everyday relationships even in modern times. Without even fully realizing it (many maybe not all) women of colour in this relationship accept and buy into their own ‘inferiority’.

      • pimpom

        That makes it all quite a bit clearer. Thank you for your reply.

      • ohminus

        “In a nutshell: historically black women in America in the slave-master society were powerless in their choices and actions as women in sometimes nonconsensual relationships with white men.”

        Strike the “black” and the “slave-master society” and the statement remains true. Depending on the individual country, true choice of partner for women is a relatively novel idea. Did you know that the United States are one of only a few countries which have not ratified the Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination Against Women? They have signed it, but not ratified it yet, and the convention has been in force since 1981.

  • Flora Pages

    I don’t like how you have used capitals for “Black” and not for “white” in this article. A small detail that made me feel slightly uncomfortable when reading this.

    From a’black’ woman (who happens to be in a long term relationship with a ‘White’ man) xx

  • steelplatedheart

    I was hoping to read something really enlightening about how you’d tried to date white men, but their subconscious racism interfered too much, and we’re in need of a cultural revolution, but this is just petty. This is straight-up discrimination (yes, I know the difference between racism and discrimination). It reminds me of when lesbians say they only date other lesbians because bisexuals will always leave you for a man. Well guess what? That’s biphobia, and it’s not okay. This is not okay. You don’t know that all white men are blind to their own privilege? How could you? You refuse to even entertain the possibility of dating one? And is it really just white men that dehumanize black women, because there’s plenty of rampant sexism coming from black men as well. It’s different than the historical dehumanization which it sounds like you are referencing, but that’s no longer true of white men either. This sort of attitude towards the majority is unhealthy in the extreme.

  • PuddingPop89

    You need to understand the term intersectionality. You cannot compare 1:1 the interaction between a white male and white female, to a black female with an entire historical context wrapped in her experience, having an interaction with a white male. You can TRY, without judging or assuming, or reducing more complex problems to those less nuanced. Meaning, smarter to ASK, not TELL.

  • PuddingPop89

    I think people at times try to extend authority and chastisement in areas where their limited experience simply puts them at a loss. You invoked shame, not me. It’s clear you’re not coming from a place of understanding of the author’s experience…you’re justifying someone immediately erasing her experience and reducing it to an easy solution that obviously isn’t available nor palatable to her because of what she’s been through. Maybe if you don’t know it could possibly be a good idea not to pretend you do.

  • Spam

    I can see that (and, incidentally, this was incredibly well articulated).

    But, how, as a woman, do you date any man? Most of my boyfriends have shown quite a bit of male privilege.

  • Paul Teevan

    The irony of this article is: You try to beat white people over the head with their “privelge” but you excercise a LOT of your own just writing this. Can you imagie how much of a shit storm if a white woman said something like this:? Or espeically a white man?

  • Ian

    As a white man I see the what she is expressing in not wanting to form intimate bonds with white men. There is a lot of privilege that I have had in my life that has come entirely because I am white. I don’t get stopped by police very often (even when I maybe should have been), no one looks around their shoulder at me when I am walking alone at night, people don’t stop talking when I enter in a conversation because they’re worried I “might be offended by what they were saying”. And yes (not to toot my own horn but) I am above averagely attractive so I get that advantage too. However I would say that if the white man she meets is willing to examine and understand his own shared history as much as she had I don’t see why she should write him off completely. Love is a complicated and murky place where our own desires, fantasies and deeply held beliefs come straight to the forefront. I think she may need to explore her own prejudices against white people, for we have a great deal of privilege in this society but not all of us are necessarily going to always be guaranteed success in modern culture (just a leg up). This all said, go date whoever you feel most comfortable and attracted to, no matter their race. For what she experienced is most likely the gap between white folk and black folk and just offhandedly dismissing any possibility of traversing that gap by just saying “I don’t date white men”. I ask what if she did want to date him and then he turned it on her and said “I don’t date black women”. Would we call him racist? I bet you most would. So does the whole of societies perception of mixed race couples have to change before she finds them acceptable? Isn’t this argument just as ridiculous as the “they should stay with their own kind” belief that was so strongly held to denounce inter-racial marriage in decades past? Because she is suppressing herself from dating white men, just on the concept that white men maybe oppressing her in some way. Personally I would give my love to anyone I felt a connection to, no matter their race. This would mean I would have to confront my own white privilege within that, and I would want to communicate that with her. I don’t believe there’s any need to point fingers and say “you’re privileged and you’re oppressing me” because that didn’t seem to be a part of any of that interaction. However it does need to be known, expressed and worked through in the relationship. Racism can be held by anyone towards any racial group, even their own. So I would just implore her to explore her own prejudices of white folks as much as white folks desperately need to examine their prejudices towards other racial groups.

  • stacey

    People been saying I look mix for years, dark skin mother and a dark skin father but yet I not going to dis my race to say Iam not black becasue i don’t look black, veryone thinks that Iam shanish or latino! I hate it but I love my people and what my future son is going to be, like his grandfathers. Everyone is trying to break up the black conmunity if and mix people are the first to come up with a excuse to justify it, at the end your ever going to date white or black. If you didn’t your kids won’t fit in as well with over kids in school. Ass well as family reunions or walking down the street with your grandparents of both sides.

  • Kitana

    Just note that you do not speak for the majority of black women who are open to other races of men including white men. This whole entire article was ignorant and racist. i can imagine the foaming at the mouth if another race woman said she can not date black men because… you and a whole bunch of other “sista soulja’s” would be screaming racism for black men that do not even do the same for you. Slavery is over sweetie, you may want to look around in the present and see what color of men bash black women the most. You might notice that the men look similar to you.

    What cracks me up about women like you proclaiming your pro blackness and dedication to black men being against those “evil white men”, is that you will never catch black men doing the same thing. The black community really has duped young black women into seeing white men as the ultimate enemy when it is black men leaving children, not marrying black women and having multiple baby mothers.You and many other black women with your ignorant mentality are going to be fighting over a pool of men that is getting smaller and smaller, because no matter how “pro-black” black men are and the race history in America, best believe they are not going to hold themselves back from any race women. So have fun waiting on your “black king”. Hopefully this ignorant rant will push you to the front of the line for one of them, but I doubt it.

    • Starr Jonez

      For starters, she isn’t speaking for you, she is speaking for herself.

      “What cracks me up about women like you proclaiming your pro blackness
      and dedication to black men being against those “evil white men”, is
      that you will never catch black men doing the same thing.”

      You kind of made alot of assumptions here because she never said she was someone who worships black men. She simply said she has difficulty embracing a serious relationship with a white man and she explained why she struggles with it. What is so racist about this? She’s not saying she hates entire groups of people and deems them inferior (which is actually what racism really is–check a few dictionaries). Alot of white men won’t or don’t want to be with black women–why are black women not allowed to exercise their own preferences without being deemed racist or close-minded? This is precisely the “privilege” she speaks of.

      • ohminus

        Actually, she does say that she deems entire groups of people inferior, because she suggests that white men are monolithic in outlook on black women and insensitive. Talking about privilege, she feels she has the privilege not to question her assumptions but simply take her prejudice as fact. How is that NOT racism?

  • E.

    I am a black woman and I completely disagree with your article…I wont say more it would take a while to explain why I disagree…

  • boo

    I’m so glad you supported your opinion with well-constructed arguments. I’m a white girl (woman?) and I have dated a variety of races, but one thing is for sure: race and inherent cultural implications as such are ALWAYS present, regardless of the relative education/social enlightenment of the individuals. Good for you for knowing what you want and why.

  • camilla

    I’m a Black woman and what I don’t like about white males historically is how they subjugated and oppressed white women for thousands of years and then turned that aggression on people of color and women of color. But in this day and age, I can see that so much progress has been made, from the women’s movement and civil rights movement and increased awareness of the suffering of others. I’m aware of the history of oppression perpetrated by western (white) males, and I’m not naive enough to think that it still doesn’t exist in many places, but I do see that humanity is evolving, some folks faster than others. And in all honesty, throughout my life I have met more accepting and open-minded white men than ignorant, racist or sexist white men. Maybe the racist/sexist ones just avoid me which is fine with me!

  • ohminus

    “Many of my white friends….” And here’s the crux of it all. You and the author both take personal anecdotes and blow them up to generalizations. THAT is “privilege” – the privilege to consider yourself the center of the world around which the planet revolves, the incarnation of the laws of the universe. Everything that happens to you or her is declared a natural law that invariably must happen that way no matter what. “The opinion is still there whether voiced or not” is simply an arrogant statement, stripping others of their very right to have an opinion of their own and declaring that you have the right to voice their opinion for them. You don’t even need to bother to find out what their opinion actually is. That is your and the author’s arrogance, your “privilege” – you complain about objectification of Black women but reserve for yourself the right to objectify white men to monolithic clones devoid of diversity in outlook.

    The reason the author would run into problems is NOT that she is aware of their privilege but she is not aware of the one she demands for herself. And no one likes being lectured that what they think is not ACTUALLY what they think but that, in fact, they think something entirely different.

  • evesforeva

    I think one of the key points here is that she doesn’t want to check the white privilege of her dates. Raise your hand if you’ve ever met a white person who wasn’t –at least in part –blind to their white privilege.

    That’s her criteria. It’s not that she doesn’t want to date white guys; it’s that she doesn’t want to date guys with white privilege. Which includes light-skinned men of color. Yes, she’s judging by outward appearances, but society did it first.

    She said it herself, privilege-checking is her job, and she does it with vigor. Who wants to come home from work only to do more of the same work?

    It’s not that she won’t date white guys because they have a different history; it’s that her ancestors had a different role in their shared history with white people. She knows that slavery will come up (perhaps due to a tendency to bring it up), and she doesn’t want to invite herself to another rendition of the “my family didn’t own slaves” song.

    I see it as similar to my refusal to date any guys who are macho, thug, bro, or any other variant on hypermasculine culture. I don’t want to deal with more sexism than I already have to. I can relate to the intimacy worries. Every time I hear a sandwich joke, my cootchie goes dry. In my case, I give some leeway because dealing with male privilege is just part of a straight woman’s dating experience. But if Mayes wants to keep her dating life free of white privilege, more power to her.

  • Tortor

    No. Racism is not equal opportunity. Racism is the con-flux of power and bias. What race has historical and cultural supremacy? Whhhhite people. (Really white, christian, straight, rich, DUDES but one thing at a time) So it’s like comparing genocide (“white racism”) to a fender bender( black people being “racist” to white people). You’re shaken up and outraged, but at no point were you in any danger.

    • Jonathan Abernathy

      Again – “Racism: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.”

      By your definition I’m inherently racist by being a white male – making a sweeping statement about me based on my race (and gender) is at its core the very definition of racism (and sexism). I hope the irony is not lost on everyone else here in this thread.

  • Abbey

    The reasons you’ve laid out here remind me a lot of why I, as a bisexual woman, am reluctant to date men at all, especially straight white ones. It’s not like I’ve NEVER been attracted to a man, but I imagine it would be difficult for me to have an intimate relationship with someone coming from a place of total privilege. The fact that I have had to deal with the ways that I am oppressed means that I have become aware of the ways I’m privileged as a white member of the middle class. If I found a man clearly aware of his privilege it could happen, but I don’t want to get involved with a guy only to find myself checking his privilege for him at every turn. With queer women, I can be pretty sure they already know where I’m coming from, and it removes so many hurdles that could get in the way of a deep emotional connection.

  • D

    Date whoever you want. Black,white,latino, asian, man,woman, We all are given a choice. I understand the author doesn’t want to be objectified solely as a “black” female by white male suitors. Most of them probably only want to sleep with her to check something off their list anyways but I would hate to see someone completely close them-self off to the idea and pass up what could be the most beautiful relationship in their life. But on to a separate issue. The author’s warped view of the world. I get it that Black people didn’t have any say in the founding of this country but that doesn’t mean they can’t succeed in the system that’s in place now(obviously look in the white house). Yes white men stole this land and founded this country all those years ago and their progeny profited so what.Those alive now aren’t responsible for those actions and the younger generations weren’t responsible for the civil rights injustices of the previous century.. Being a white male I acknowledge my privileges in this white majority society. The “norm” as the author put’s it, but it’s not like people of other races aren’t given an opportunity to show aptitude or to learn a trade and make a better life for oneself. Many ethnic groups have come to the US and flourished despite their lack of privilege. Many black people are raised to think they’re Superior in every way to every other race. They’re brainwashed by the time they hit adolescence. This so called Pro_Black mindset can be likened to Nazi White-Aryan Superiority. Really both need to adjust their warped views of the world. Recognize we all bleed the same, and go through the same hardships in this human experience. Learn to live without jealousy and hatred.

    • Michelle Kirkwood


      “Many black people are raised to think they’re Superior in every way to
      every other race. They’re brainwashed by the time they hit adolescence.
      This so called Pro_Black mindset can be likened to Nazi White-Aryan

      No, the hell it can’t! You’re really stretching it—black pride has everything to do with reclaiming our pride in ourselves and our culture that was damn near eradicated during 300 years of slavery and white racism against US in this country. That you could even THINK to compare it to white Nazi racism just shows your utter lack of knowledge about black history in this country, and how institutional racism works, because the two are NOT even comparable in any damn way,shape or form.

      You got it twisted–it’s WHITE people who are brainwashed from birth with the idea that they are automatically better and more superior than EVERYBODY in the whole damn world because they’re white. You’re been doing it for so damn long, that of course you can talk all that BS about wanting the world to be color-blond, because racism will NEVER be anything YOU’LL have to deal with,EVER. Y’all started all that bull s***, now own it and STOP perpetuating it,dammit!

  • Charmlessblur

    The irony in your statements seems to have escaped you.

  • Shep

    ” I would be compelled to hold this man accountable to recognizing his white male privilege, while he would likely resist the discomfort of learning that his actions and words reinforce pernicious systems of oppression which oppress masses of people everywhere. So I err towards circumventing the tension by writing the possibility of dating white men out of the realm of possibility altogether.” That makes sense. The average white man does not acknowledge his privilege and gets very defense. Black men might be more likely to understand male privilege because if they are more likely to understand white privilege, they might be more likely to apply their understanding of privilege to maleness.
    On the other hand, is the average black man willing to acknowledge his male privilege? Will they not feel discomfort and get defensive?
    ” I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship.” That sounds a lot like men in general to me, as well.
    “Because I’d rather spare myself the complicated confusion of loving someone who oppresses me, (an oppression compounded by race and gender inequality) and the headache induced by hitting fortified walls of privilege when attempting to challenge that oppression.”
    That also sounds like men to me
    Now I understand why so many women became lesbian separatists in the 1970s

  • matt

    Well, uh don’t really know how to say this but, it’s not like every white guy isn’t aware of their white privilege. I know I did absolutely nothing to deserve it, but like you I also can’t change it. And I know that the white guys’ history over the last 1000 years doesn’t paint them in a good light, at all really, but we are not who our fathers are.

    And also, why is his “piqued interest” in you arbitrary? Is there not one quality about you which a man may find interesting, elegant, attractive or beautiful? What would make a black man’s interest in you non-arbitrary?

  • Jonathan Abernathy

    I don’t know who you are, but you sure are obsessed with black women’s private parts and with them being sexually used and abused. That’s strange to me, I don’t get it. But I’m glad that you’re here to point out to me that white men are obsessed with black women’s vaginas across the board (a very reasonable sweeping generalization). Anyway, to answer your question: I am personally offended, on an individual level (not talking society at large here, or the history of race relations in Western society, etc.), that a woman would reject me (were I interested in dating her) based on my skin color, and that she posits that said rejection is perfectly fine. We generally frown on that form of prejudice in our country, and teach our children that racially based discrimination is wrong. It would be one thing to say “I’m not physically and sexually attracted to men outside of my ethnic/racial group.”

    “…her body represents deviance, darkness, temptation, evil, and hypersexuality. This detrimental image generates a deep sense of desire and adventure within the white man — a desire to colonize her body — ‘eat’ it up, and use it to come to know himself.” Um, okay? As a white man, I can definitively state that this is not the case for all white men. Seriously, we’re not all sexual deviants and racially motivated sexual predators. I’m sorry that it seems you tend to see white men as such – I promise that I’m not that way. I’m just some guy. And as far as a black woman’s body carrying all of the aforementioned negative connotations; I can also assure you that that is not true either – at least not for this white man. I don’t see my wife as any of those things. Seriously, were not all maniacally evil, I promise.

    Anyway, we obviously are approaching this article from vastly different viewpoints so I don’t think we’re going to come to any agreement here.

  • Jonathan Abernathy

    Thank you! That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying too! I mean, people are entitled to be attracted to who they’re attracted to, but her reasoning really does just seem very unfairly prejudiced. As a white man, I can tell you we’re not all bad or evil or looking to oppress someone. I’m not, I’m just some guy trying to be nice to his neighbors and treat all people well, ya know? But she is much younger than me and my suspicion is that she’s living in a college textbook world of theories and more abstract concepts (not that white privilege and racism don’t exist, they still do sadly) rather than in the “real world” where not everything people do is based on a greater underlying systemic racism.

    • daredevil

      sorry dude, until you’ve walked in woman and woman of colour’s shoes such as her’s you’re not going to get what she is saying….which is exactly the problem she’s so eloquently trying to explain….and its that very problem you just effing don’t get it i’m afraid, sad but true.

      • derp is derp

        Actually, he does “get it”. He hit the nail on the head concerning the “college textbook world of theories”. All these comments spouting “privilege arguments” don’t seem to realize that these are SOCIAL THEORIES, not natural laws. One of the sad things about the internet these days is that A LOT of people are spouting off with religious zeal about social theories without having ANY CLUE whose work they are quoting or where these arguments come from.

        For instance, Peggy McIntosh whose graduate paper “Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack” was written in the 1990′s is a privileged white woman. It is almost the entire basis of the type of “unconscious racism” arguments on the internet these days. Her research is not very good, honestly. But people on the internet use it all the time to try to bash “white people”. They don’t care that the source is simply one of millions of graduate papers, and was written by a wealthy white woman. If “white privilege” is so bad, then why are you allowing a privileged white woman to determine your world views?

        I think most of the people using these arguments don’t even understand what sociology is or where social theories come from. Instead disparate graduate papers are being turned into a “social justice bible” that self-righteous or race-grievance oriented internet commenters can use to bash each other with. It’s the blind leading the blind, and shows a terrible ignorance of the nuances in daily life and of the origins of social theory. For the record, I think the girl who wrote the original article is immature, and this website only published it for outrage clicks.

  • Tom Grant

    She says she distances herself from those who believe they are “black by happenstance”. yet the fact is she is black totally by happenstance, just as the white guy is white totally by happenstance. Until we reach a day when children get to pick their parents, we are all a product of happenstance.

  • Aquagirl

    It’s a movement. Embrace it.

  • jj

    I’m confused why you capitalize “Black” and not “white.” Please explain!

  • Anonymous

    Maybe the lady who this article could stand to get an education about the so-called “reality” of race …

    • Michelle Kirkwood

      She already has one—you could stand to learn a hell of a lot about race and privilege from HER, since you clearly didn’t get where she was coming from.

  • East Coast Elegance

    I guess my reaction would be that who we choose to date is definitely a personal choice. However, I agree with some of the other posters that because of intersectionality privilege coddling comes with any relationship. I’m a white woman from a lower middle income, southern, heavily disabled and christian family. My boyfriend is a white man from a higher income, able bodied, jewish, city raised family.

    There are so many layers to privilege that I believe the author will encounter no matter the race of her partner. I hope she finds her love, and I hope she doesn’t miss him/her by eliminating so much of the population.

  • Christina

    I’m 100% nonwhite (Vietnamese) and almost every guy I’ve had any sexual relationship with is white, but can understand and agree with this. It is very difficult to be sexually attracted to someone that much more privileged than you and definitely has had different experiences in life. Since she has definitely had her life significantly affected by her race, any white guy will be more privileged than her in the way she’s been oppressed the most, and I can see why that makes her feel uncomfortable and less powerful. She has a set of stereotypes about her that the white guy doesn’t, often reducing her individuality in his eyes.

    I haven’t encountered the same struggles, but the ones I have encountered definitely have shaped my preferences in guys (mostly “first world” shit – ADD, depression, eating disorders). Without a single white ancestor I know of I can often pass for white and half white due to Caucasian features. My personality is also extremely Westernized and clearly far from traditional. Therefore I have not had the same experiences as other students of my ethnicity given we all often attend parties dominated by drunk, horny white people. After spending a year in my school’s hookup culture, I don’t think it’s really quite safe for women of color to participate in a carefree manner, given the shit white guys will say to them. It gets dehumanizing. Some, but not all, white guys will make the hookup or even worse, relationship all about the girl’s race due to her “otherness”. And that’s all he’ll talk about.

  • Ninjette

    She’s not saying that everybody is the enemy, she’s pointing out how white supremacy has made it difficult for her to have a meaningful conversation with a white man about race because more often than not everything is just awesome and us girls of color are always overreacting. I’m not saying her preference is my own or that people should take it as an example of dating, it’s purely an anecdote on her life specifically. Stereotypes of minorities are most often based off fear and ignorance of them, stereotypes of white people are more often based off the fear that came from white people reacting to their stereotypes of people of color. People aren’t just people when you live in a world that holds up whiteness as being the best, I know most white people will disagree but that’s attributed to them having no idea how much worse their crappy life could have been with just a simple change of the skin. People just being people regardless of color is a luxury to people who have never truly been degraded day after day, year after year, sometimes in the most subtle ways, sometimes in horrifically terrifying ways solely because of their skin color throughout their whole school career and working in the real world.
    white privilege yo

  • Ninjette

    Good for you but that doesn’t erase the fact that she does consider it her identity and this article is about her specifically therefor this comment is really meaningless unless you’re implying that it’s weird that she considers it her identity when you don’t solely because you are both women of color. It’s not her place to tell you what your identity no more or less it’s her place to tell you what yours should be.

  • Matt

    YOU ARE 22!?! What Horrible Past have you had? Stop living in that past of oppression, exploitation, and dehumanization that you nor even your parents ever experienced and live in the now and work to make this a better place for everyone without your self-imposed inner hatred tainting the world around you.

    “I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.”
    Abraham Lincoln

  • t christopher

    i was going to say a bunch of sarcastic shit . but the simple truth of it all is that biracial babies are the only way conversations like this are ever going to end. and i do not respect your decision or reasoning.

  • shyama

    honestly, this is stupid. wouldn’t it be a good thing to date a white man, so then she could help him understand racism better and be an active anti-racist? instead she shuns them, and misses that opportunity. also she is being a little racist for assuming that she will learn nothing of value from dating a white guy.

  • Jasmine53

    Speaking as a multiracial person, this whole article is nothing less than racial chauvinism and hate speech.

    Throughout history, intermarriage and mixed people have vexed racial purists. I have faced discrimination from both white and black people, like Ms. Maye, smitten with their “magnificently unique” and pure racial identity.

    Being a mutt has lent me opportunities to see and experience both white and black communities. And despite claims by some of magnificent uniqueness, I have seen remarkable sameness. We all love, eat, shit and die. Our worldviews are not infinitely unknowable; we just don’t talk to each other.

    White privilege exists in America to be sure, but the way Ms. Maye describes it, privilege is a disease that all white people are born with; it is tainted blood that compels whites to dominate and abuse. In her own words, merely by loving a black woman, a white man is committing an act of violence.

    Are we responsible for our “race”? Are we responsible for the past? Are we responsible for the faults of human nature? No.

    What I do feel responsible for is to fight racism in all its forms, which is what compelled me to write this response.

    Ms. Maye, discriminating on the basis of race is the definition of racism. Describing all relationships between white men and black women as “not…fair” and a “small form of violence” is hate speech.

    I can’t glibly instruct you to check your privilege, but please do something.

    • Michelle Kirkwood

      Hate speech, my a**. Read the article again and get a grip,please.

  • docwatson

    Having dated, loved, and lost a beautiful black woman and our child to miscarriage, I can say that I strongly believe that you are dead wrong and as wrong as a white man who eschews black women solely for their melatonin content.

    I don’t know a single white guy who has deliberately gotten involved with a black women because they felt they had the ‘right’ to – they simply fell in love.

  • Scout Kent

    An entire article about how you won’t date a guy who hasn’t even asked you out, lol.

  • Katie Smith

    Question: Why are you Black with a capital “B”, but the guy was white without a capital “W”? You obviously did this deliberately. How come? Do you also type “asian” and “hispanic” with a capital? I’m genuinely curious/interested to know.

  • steph

    I don’t agree and find your comparison of having sex with a white the experience of slaves a little disturbing..I am biracial white mom and black dad and i am latina ..and i can give you 100 reasons of why i dont like dating black men..but it is all relative and depends on our personal experiences.

  • Arakiba

    A lot of the author’s reasons not to date white men can be extended to men in general: inequality in relationships; unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege; a history of oppression, exploitation, and dehumanization of women’s bodies by men.

    • Mothers raise sons

      Gross generalizations. I’m so tired of the man-bashing. You have to accept the fact that even though your comment was full of Womens Studies 101 and PC terminology, that you are saying flat out that as a rule men treat women unequally in relationships, expect greater privilege, and identify with men in history who have oppressed, exploited and dehumanized women’s bodies. It’s so paranoid and phobic when you really think about it. Come out of your textbook; it’s the 21st century and things are pretty okay. If hating half of the world (men)

  • Chi

    Given the history of male-female oppression, I wonder why she would even consider dating men at all -__-

    • asdfqwer

      Probably because there are a lot of really nice men in the world.

      • Julia

        There are a lot of really nice white men too. Male privilege exists too, not just white privilege.

        • i am the devil…..ihave come

          in america yes it is just male white privilege, as a black man i have no privilege

          • Storm

            Biggest lie ever told. If you are a male you have privilege in this society and in most. I would argue Black men get away with even more in-your-face and abhorrent misogyny all while claiming to have no privilege. And they can do so just because they can lean on saying that they are oppressed because of their Blackness and because of that they can oppress no one else.

  • Anna

    This was really judgmental. To autpmatically throw out all guys of a certain race because of stereotypes?
    Honestly, I’m disappointed. I kind of thought feminspire was more than that. I thought this was a website that promoted EQUALITY. Guess not.

  • Human

    I completely understand your argument and your perhaps dated concepts that enshrine the very reason racism and racial divides still exist today. The be all and end all of it should be that everyone is human, skin colour is but a colour and letting a preconceived idea from either society or historical reference is only hindering the acknowledgement of your own humanity. In this case perhaps limiting the size of your net to find a partner or ‘soul mate’.

  • A

    This is an amazing article. The statement , ” I’m not in in the business of coddling privilege”, struck right to the point. The writers ideas stem from a pride of being black and being one of the original peoples of the world. I myself am a mixed race non white male, my skin color is tan as I am part Mideastern and part Latin American. I appreciate it when people like the writer feel pride , a pride that stems from a higher level of awareness of the realities of a world dominated by whites. Reading the this article makes me proud about being a minority.

  • Anubii

    A lot of the comments are taking this the wroooooong way. She’s not doing this from a place of hatred. She’s doing this from a place of defense and self-preservation. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but America is an unequal society that affords privilege to whites thanks to America’s genesis forming from white colonists through theft, rape, and bloodshed.

    Because of this supremacy, people of color are othered and marginalized- oppression. And as such, on a day to day basis, people of color suffer microaggressions. The LAST place anyone wants to suffer microaggressions and misunderstanding are in the sanctity of their intimate relationships and with the people who are afforded the privilege of being white and being perceived as “the default” and being treated as raceless, they are apt to see your race first which can affect their behavior and speech around you.

    OP simply doesn’t want to deal with that because it can lead to offensive things. It’s pretty tedious and tiring.

  • asdfqwer

    As a white male, I wont lie, this saddens me. Partly because I do shoot for equality in my life and a better understanding of people not like myself, but mainly because of this statement you made:

    “In my mind, that means that the hypothetical relationship I imagine between myself and a white man wouldn’t go very far. I would be compelled to hold this man accountable to recognizing his white male privilege, while he would likely resist the discomfort of learning that his actions and words reinforce pernicious systems of oppression which oppress masses of people everywhere. So I err towards circumventing the tension by writing the possibility of dating white men out of the realm of possibility altogether.”

    I think it is really unfortunate that you see about 20% of the worlds population in such a negative light. It is actually rather disheartening when I know I try for equality :

    • Aquagirl

      I feel the same way, it saddens me that she’s extracting her experiences with small-town college frat boys to ALL white men in the world. I mean, wtf?

  • laurensenola

    I’m Black and very proud of my heritage, specifically as an Afro-American whose family comes from the South. And it is certainly a very important part of what makes me who I am but it isn’t ALL of who I am; so is being a woman (even more so than being Black), being bisexual, my spirituality, even growing up in New York, I mean the list goes on.
    That being said, I never thought of myself as having these deep political reasons for not having ever dated a white man (and even less likely, a white woman). I’m married now so it really makes no difference but when I was dating I just found that culturally and socially, I just have very little in common with white folks and I’m also just attracted to darker skin (e.g., I have dated Indo-Caribbean and Latinos in the past). However, I do understand a bit of what this author is saying. Whenever I hear a white person say “oh, why do you have to call yourself AFRICAN American, why can’t you just call yourself American??”, it grates my nerves. The answer, (which I think would be obvious) is that I’m NOT “just American”. I am NOT what comes to mind when people think of the average American and I don’t want to be. My experience and history, while in some cases shared with others, are in most cases quite different from white people living in this country and that’s just a fact. And for me, identifying as Afro- (not African) American is both an acknowledgment of that and honoring my roots; to be “just American” is a denial of it.

  • Limu

    I agree with some aspects of this article. In particular about unconscious white supremacy but what is the point of your existence if you don’t seize the day? Humans are made to make mistakes, we make them and hopefully learn from them but if we continue to live in such a linear way nothing will ever get achieved and this will remain a cancer for you, your children and the children after that.There are good and bad people of all races. and having grown in both a white-dominant society and a black dominant society, we are both facing the exact same battle.
    You are clearly an intelligent lady, bit of lateral thinking could do you the world of good.

    • Michelle Kirkwood

      I would suggest to the author that she try and feel this white dude out to see what he’s about. For all she knows,he might be open to being schooled about institutional racism (being an activist,I’ve actually met white folks who get this) or may already have learned a basic understanding of it in a class or something. After all,you’re young—going out with one white dude is not gonna make you throw out all your beliefs. Just test the waters—if y’all don’t click, just acknowledge it and move on. It won’t kill your beliefs or your pride or anything. (I’m a sister,BTW,if that means anything.)

  • Chrysis Cirrhosis

    A 22 year old pontificating? SHOCKER.

  • Hello

    I find it interesting that this woman felt she needed to write this post because some white guy MAY have been flirting with her. It’s as if she needed to justify why she didn’t want to entertain the thought of dating him. Many people choose not to date other types of people for all sorts of reasons and of course her reasoning for not wanting to date white men is understandable. However, I’m not sure what she’s trying to accomplish by telling us this. I think that’s why some people are upset her article. It seems like she needed to get this off her chest because she’s so annoyed that a white man would even try to flirt with her (althought it’s not been proven that that’s what he’s doing). I respect her life decisions but when she doesn’t explain her reasoning for sharing them it starts to seem like she’s saying this because she thinks black women dating white on the whole is wrong. Did someone tell her that her choice for not dating white men is racist? Then she needs to mention that.

    • Michelle Kirkwood

      The author clearly breaks down the historical and political reasons WHY she dosen’t date white men—it’s all right there in the article, and it’s not just because she perceives some white guy as trying to talk to her. Those are VERY real reasons as why some black women won’t date a white guy, or why some black people won’t date white people at all. The reasons go way more deeper than her not wanting some white guy to talk to her—it’s a reaction against white racism itself. Don’t know why you didn’t get that,but then white folks never do.

  • Smash

    You know what’s funny? All of you are writing these heated comments and that’s exactly what the author of this article was trying to do–get people riled up. What other reason does she have to post this article? She doesn’t state a reason for feeling as though she had to justify her reasons for not wanting to date white men. Although I’m sure this article is an honest picture of her choices it’s obvious that she wanted to state it to get a lot of views and buzz for her article. Well, she did a good job of that. There are so many offended people commenting just because this woman doesn’t want to date a white guy…who cares? That’s her choice and she has the right to make it. You’re all pandering to her need to cause controversy and get attention.

  • daredevil

    sorry dude, even as black dude you fail to get her argument, not that you should because you are black but its kind of symptomatic that as a guy you simply don’t get it. I’m not surprised because this is evidence that there are gendered experiences as well, so this whole thing she is trying to describe is complicated even more by sexism as well….clearly society has a long way to go to appreciate her article! :-(

  • daredevil

    for a 22 year old this is a powerful and analysis of her experience and expression of what she feels comfortable with; its her deeply and mentally felt story. I commend and support this sister for so eloquently putting it out there, because as a 40 year old woman of colour I get what this sister is so bravely sharing with us, knowing fully well there are going to be a lot of commentary from people who will just fail to get one iota of what she is trying to communicate. Its deep and not for the faint hearted. :-)

  • Hannah

    Okay, here is what is going on. You are afraid of a white man putting you down in any way, making you feel inferior to white women. You mentioned in highschool white guys making fun of black womens private parts, that they are ugly or something. So this has made you afraid of dating white men because you want to avoid feeling ugly. If this guy was truly hitting on you, then he probably doesn’t feel that way. That’s the main reason people are sexually attracted to other people, aesthetics. Unless he’s out for your money and then you have a real reason to get offended. Really I just think this post is about your fear of rejection, which makes you limit yourself to just your own race. Funny though, some people sexually reject their own race too.

  • Michelle Kirkwood


    Why on earth do you call yourself a “mulatto”? That’s a horribly outdated racist term from slavery times coined by slavemasters and slapped on biracial slaves (some of who were the slavemasters’ children.) I mean, seriously, do you even know what the word actually means? It means “half-mule”, and this was coined in a time when white folks did not even regard black people as human—that’s where that comes from. Besides, it makes someone sound like some kind of a damn THING, not even anything like a person,for God’s sake! Quit referring to yourself as that–I hate that term,because it’s just piain disgusting and always has been.

    • Aquagirl

      You might hate the term but not everyone does. I find it endearing because I think it sounds pretty. The word is divorced from its historical context like “gay” has been. Now it’s just a word to describe a person so you can get a sense what their phenotype looks like. It doesn’t even always refer to people who are strictly biracial; I’ve heard Zoe Saldana described as such many times.

  • Michelle Kirkwood


    Yeah, well,black women don’t give a damn about sleeping with your smug,white privileged behind, either.

  • Shelly

    The claims you make in
    this article are widely generalized, taking into account your own point of
    view, but no one else’s. You claim that your policy of not dating white men is
    in place partly because of the inherent privilege you think that white men
    unconsciously or consciously have. You make a big deal of this privilege,
    representing yourself as one who resists this inequality, then in the same
    paragraph, use this as your excuse for avoiding the hypothetical situation
    altogether. A situation that remains hypothetical, as you have cited no real
    experiences on which to base your argument, only speculations. You cite your personal
    reasons of not pursuing a romantic relationship with a white man as not being
    able to look past the sins of history, of how his race subjugated and abused
    yours, and how you’re honoring your culture. Basing this argument solely on the
    actions of his predecessors, are you not judging him by the color of his skin,
    the very thing that you are supposedly fighting against? By saying this, I am
    not insisting that you should be attracted to white men. If you’re not, that’s
    your prerogative, but prematurely judging a person’s character by the color of
    their skin isn’t fighting racism, but engaging in it yourself. You may be
    honoring your culture, but you’re not allowing others to honor theirs.

  • Kelsie

    By your logic, no woman should EVER date a man. After all, there is a long history of oppression of females by men, from the workplace to rape culture. So, I would imagine that even dating an African-American would still require you to point out their MALE privilege. It also seems bothersome that you find him striking up a conversation as ‘universal access to all colors of women”. Since he didn’t ask you on a date or seek you out before the casual run-in, it could just be him being polite and also trying (even if awkwardly) to have a normal work relationship.

  • Joy

    I don’t understand any points in this article. And I am black, have you traveled around? Seems quite narrow minded. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but don’t cut your nose to spite your face.

  • Angel


  • Angel

    I am proud of the colour of my skin, my gender, the country i live in, the country my parents were born in; they are all a part of what makes me uniquely me.

    I am a black, cis-woman. Born and raised in Canada with Jamaican heritage. I love the customs and the food of both. I love the rich colour of my skin, and I love having boobs.

    But the emphasis people put on race I have never and will never understand.

    Its an accident of birth. Everyone that is born just happens to be born in a certain place looking a certain way. There is no choice involved.

    So why not focus on the things people do and what they believe in instead of appearance? I refuse to make myself a victim because of how I was born and what happened in the past. Learn from it, then move forward.

    How are we ever going to have FULL equality (race, gender, sexual orientation, age.. everything,) if people keep placing SO much importance on these things?

  • Wildcard

    I’m sure what I’m about to write will be interpreted as politically
    incorrect and racially insensitive by those who are too thin skinned to
    handle honesty, but here goes:

    I think I can wrap my
    head around what Ms. Maye is saying. If anything, I got a self
    preservation vibe from her writing and I think she has a valid point. I’m not black, so I won’t attempt to elaborate on what it means to be a black woman in America, but I do understand what it’s like to date white men.

    a white female and I don’t date white men anymore because I’ve had
    nothing but horrible experiences with them ranging from
    ultra-conservative/oppressive mindsets, control freak behavior,
    emotional immaturity and brazen dishonesty to weird sexual fetishes,
    beatings, psychological abuse and sexual violence. I’m not the only one
    to be subjected to such bad behavior from white men, either. I know
    too many women and children who have suffered horribly at the hands of
    white men.

    Growing up in a white family and
    circulating with white people all my life, I had more than enough time
    to observe white men and be exposed to their behavior. I had bad
    experiences with white male relatives, teachers, teenaged classmates and
    in adulthood I had my share of bad work experiences, bad dates, bad
    relationships (including one bad, brief marriage) with white men. My
    few good experiences with them have been very limited, very brief and
    very platonic.

    For the most part, white American men
    treat women like crap. I’ve seen white women and Asian women get
    treated like crap more times than I care to count. I know a Native
    American woman who gets treated like crap by her white husband, but puts
    up with it because she lacks the earning power to support two kids by
    herself. I knew a Panamanian woman who got treated like crap by her
    G.I. hubby but put up with it because she didn’t want to go back to

    What is “crap?” Crap is when the white
    man abuses his privilege. Crap is when he tells his brown, 3rd world,
    marginally educated wife from an impoverished family that she will shut
    the f*k up, tolerate the infidelity, the drinking, the mental abuse, the
    physical abuse, the child abuse and any other unsavory behavior he
    wants to display “or else get deported.” Crap is when he comes home and
    throws his wife and children in the street to move a new woman into the
    house. Crap is when he thinks a wife or girlfriend should tolerate all
    sorts of disrespect, beatings, sexual violence, etc. in exchange for
    food and shelter, or in exchange for providing an upscale lifestyle that
    she would otherwise be deprived of. Crap is when he marries a sweet
    young woman only because she’s “hot” then abandons her during pregancy
    or post childbirth because of pregnancy induced bodily changes. Crap is
    when he marries a woman only to gain sexual access to her child.

    is when he treats a woman like chattel property. And the white men
    I’ve interacted with view women as chattel property and resent those who
    refuse to be treated as such. They aren’t sincerely interested in
    assertive women- and god forbid financially independent women- because
    they cannot own or control them.

    I’ve met too many
    white guys who were moody, difficult, hard to please and who set
    impossible standards for women to live up to- the “nothing is ever good
    enough” kind of guys whose ideal woman is a bleached, tanned, waxed,
    underage and underweight porn actress who enjoys anal sodomy, cooks like
    Paula Deen, keeps house like Martha Stewart and never talks, never asks
    questions, but always smiles and cheerfully obeys every command. I’ve also met far too many who were incapable of feeling any emotion other than anger.

    suspect white men (at least in U$) hate women altogether and see us as a
    necessary evil that must be tolerated in order to produce more men. Or
    maybe they simply hate everthing and everyone that they cannot own and
    control. Since misogyny and racism often go hand in hand, it stands to
    reason that a white man who treats white women like crap will also treat
    a woman of another ethnicity like crap, possibly worse.

    another note, it appears to me that people usually associate such
    antisocial behavior with the lower classes, but college education and
    privileged economic status do not make a difference- sociopaths can be
    found in every tax bracket. I also have to wonder if this is a uniquely
    American phenomenon or if white men in other parts of the world harbor
    the same visceral hatred for women.

    Yes, I know,
    everyone is going to respond with the whole “Blacks/Latinos/Asians
    mistreat women, too” spiel, and will probably even go on to list
    instances of abuse committed by other ethnicities. I’m well aware that
    men from other ethnic groups are also guilty of barbaric abuses against
    women and children, and I’ll be the first to admit that even our worst
    meth/crack infested, child pimping, woman thrashing neighborhoods look
    like Disneyland compared to certain volatile areas of Asia and Africa
    where women and children are routinely gang raped, trafficked,
    malnourished, denied freedom of movement, etc.

    not saying other ethnicities are incapable of bad behavior, I’m only
    saying my worst experiences with men have been with white men, and were
    so bad that it put me off white guys forever. I’ve socialized, dated
    and now married outside my race, and can say that black men and Asian
    men have never subjected me to the sort of weirdo bullshit,
    psychological distress and physical brutality that I experienced with
    white men.

    I’ve also noticed that white men have an
    unhealthy preoccupation with the penises of black men. At some point
    during the *getting to know you* phase, a white man will always ask,
    “Have you ever f*ked a black guy?” I don’t know why they’re preoccupied
    with this, but they tend to ask at odd times like during dinner on the
    1st date, or in the middle of an intimate bedroom moment. Some white
    men won’t associate with a woman who has been intimate with a black man
    in the past.

    Even white men who claim to be socially progressive, or who claim to not be racist, will sooner or later reveal their feelings of racial superiority. It may be a subtle comment or facial expression during conversation or a sudden unforseen outburst, but it will happen.

    there are some normal, sane, civilized, compassionate, socially
    conscious, woman respecting white gentlemen out there. If so, I hope
    they make an effort to lead by example and influence other white men to
    refrain from indulging in rotten behavior.

    • Kent Harris

      The best place to learn by example is by the Biblcal standard. The church is where you learn to sacrifice for others and it seems as though you may not have had that experience to draw from. To be in a loving enviroment builds ones self esteem. Consider going to church and finding true friends who will stand by you when you fall.

  • Ponderous

    lol… uhmm… well well. Good write and equally good reading. But dear, you have to do some travelling. Seriously. All over planet earth. Get your butt up out of that crazy country and go visit places less fraught with the phenotypical perversion which has polarized you to this extent. Love is love. Lust is lust. Intimacy and closeness is what it is. It doesnt give a flying eff about skin colour. Pigmentocratic polarization is retrograde and limits the scope of human experience. Period. Move out of that context and allow yourself to experience diversity untainted by the rape of our people past and present. Love is love. Politics is a whole other thing. But well, do you too.

  • Andrzej

    Lady, if he makes your loins tingle – mingle :-)

  • jonny

    The obviously sad generalization here is that every white guy has ancestry that exploited African slavery over a century ago, or that within the last 100 years, their family was able to abuse or misuse African women based on their status. However, there are some of us who’s families came to America escaping forced servitude in Europe (perhaps not escaping slavery, but that’s a semantic discussion for a person well versed in 18-20th century European history). As you feel you are being generalized in your African American heritage, you are also generalizing white people as all having roots in a power base of pre-twentieth century white society. To understand what I’m saying, I come from Pittsburgh, more specifically, formerly blue collar Southside Pittsburgh. Pennsylvania, which was settled by Quakers, who were the first abolitionists, was not a slave state, and was often the first stop of freedom in the Underground Rail Road. Pittsburgh’s Hill District was often called the Harlem of Pittsburgh, for it’s vibrant African American community. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. As for my ancestry, most of them came here to escape religious persecution and forced serfdom during the Imperial Russian and Prussian days in Poland. Arriving here, they had the same opportunities as African Americans at the time, to work in the steel mills. I’m not a student of 1950s Pittsburgh history, but I would assume there was a certain amount of segregation, which is a stain on our history. However, to state that you look at white men and see years of oppression can be an erroneous stereotype, stemming from a lack of knowledge or a generalization about another person’s culture. Understandably, you;re attracted to whomever you’re attracted to. This is nature, not politics or sociology. I’m attracted to dark haired, sultry, thin women, no matter their race. To be honest, this describes my wife, and the only women I’m really interested in. But before I met her, I didn’t have a type except for what I stated above.

  • Doris

    This article is very racist. Imagine how black people would take it if a white man wrote an article about why he won’t date a black woman.

  • Anthony Varicelli

    Interesting. Does this view help or hurt racism and battle against class/color privilege? Will it always be “us or them” or will an enlightened human race emerge, in which color of skin no longer makes any difference to anyone anymore…? Your thoughts?

  • post

    Interesting personal choice, but definitely not one I can stand by, as a half black half white person myself. I don’t identify as just one race either.

  • Mic

    As a woman of color: No matter how one justifies it (and one can justify anything if one really tries)–discrimination is discrimination no matter what color one is. Being discriminated against as minorities does not give us the God given right to discriminate others and oppression of past generations does not make it okay either.

    The writer of this article assumes that this man who showed interest in her felt entitled to her. She assumed there would be issues concerning race. She assumed she would be insulting her ancestors. She assumed the worst and, most insultingly, she assumed that, morally, it would be impossible to date a white man.

    Honey, please.

    Get over it, get over your racist misgivings and get off of that soap box.

  • Blu Soulstn

    a BLACK man owned the first slave in the United States (look it up) Have a nice day

  • Vancouverois

    ” For the subtenant guy from my office, it may suck a little bit that I’m not particularly responsive to his woos.”

    Don’t worry about it. Everything you say in this article demonstrates that he is far better off without you.

  • Check this!

    Hooray for looking at this word “privilege” more carefully. As a woman, I refuse to believe that men have or always have had more privilege than me. That’s crazy! The greatest joys of my life are giving birth to and nursing and raising my children, something men have never had the privilege of and something women have always had.

  • This guy

    Anyone who can claim that white people are born into privilege have clearly never been to a nascar race or experienced the term “trailer trash”.

  • Jesse

    This article is written in 2013?? really??? well, it’s ridiculous.. We are all humans ” Black, white, yellow” it doesn’t matter… My sister has been married to a white guy for the past 13 years ” she is black” and he’s the best father and husband I’ve ever seen. Bigotry and hate in the name of skin color or race is outdated and this issue of we were repressed or discriminated against is also outdated, every race faced some form of discrimination in the past, but now the world is a melting pot and in the end we are all the same inside what’s outside doesn’t make or break the person, skin color isn’t a factor that should ever be considered. We judge people by their integrity and values not by their skin color, at least most do. Good luck observing your ” Blackness” while others choose to simply just exist as human-beings who are equal in everything and observe their humanity.

  • Tryan

    Excuse me dear… You persecute all white men for what history did. We are not living in history, we live IN THE PRESENT TENSE! You alone do not define white men by the generalizations you classify every single white man in. There are so many DIFFERENT personalities in not only white men but EVERY HUMAN BEING LIVING… Don’t have such a closed and jaded mind from the things society is obviously forcing into your mind. Free your mind sweetheart and value the important things like who cares for you deep down no matter what they look like. It might take time but I’m sure you’ll realize someday that there’s so much to explore in this world. I am a White man and I think Black women are beautiful inside and out…

  • Hope Sherie

    OK–I’m going to say that this intrigued me and as a white woman, who has dated and worked with many white men, I get this. I really get it. Not because I see the men I’m with as “symbols of” white opression, etc., but because it is often frustrating and tiring to always be in the position of either pointing out the constant cultural genderism / racism that my guy just doesn’t recognize in the movie we’re watching, article we’re reading, common phrase or attitude someone expresses in our presence; or just ignoring it to avoid avoid an unpleasant conversation which leaves me very cross with the person I’m spending time with. Really? It doesn’t bother you that 98% of the people in this movie (again) are white men? Really? You don’t see how women are intimidated and threatened to report rape when people say things like your friend just said? You get the picture.

  • Tristan

    I’m an imperfect young white male who at least endeavours to account for his compound privileges buy examining the impact these facets of identity have on my plutonic, professional and romantic relationships. I’m not perfect or always even good at it, but I try. I can say confidently that I didn’t come to understand in isolation the necessity and value of thinking about these things. The women of colour who were willing to take a chance on romantic relationships with me shaped my thinking immensely, in part by directly taking me to task and holding me accountable for some of my more grossly entitled perspectives, but also by passively by making me want to reevaluate problematic ideas, mannerisms and habits. Issues of privilege mattered to me in a way they hadn’t before simply because they mattered to people I loved and I wanted to make these relationships work.

    Point is, I’m not trying to say its the responsibility of women of colour to fix white male privilege, the onus really is always on the person with the problematic ideas. But I believe a lot of feminist men and racially minded white people wouldn’t think the way they do if they had been sexually ignored out of principle.

  • Jonathan Abernathy

    Wait, I’m confused – what point are you trying to make? Your post doesn’t make sense. You seem to be on the one hand implying there are many good black men “than there are black women like the author,” then you say her point is fair and that I need to get over the fact that not every woman wants my ass? I’m confused.

  • Ben

    You have the right to feel the way you do, even if I feel it’s a bit racist of you to feel that way. You still have that right. I am a white man who personally does not care what color the woman I date is. It means absolutely nothing to me. I am an equal opportunity lover.

  • azelia

    I can understand where your coming from but I feel that this argument is too generalized; he’s white so he resembles the oppressor and im a black woman so i wont submit to engaging romantically with him (because his forefathers held my great grandmothers as slaves etc). At the end of the day it really depends on who the person is. Yes, most white guys are completely oblivious to their privilege in this world which makes it hard to befriend let alone date any of them. However, there are many great guys out there who make efforts toward consciousness, admit to their position on our country’s racial hierarchy and even try to redress acts of oppression committed by their ancestors. I say this because I dated a white guy for two years. I have a kinky fro and brown skin and I identify as black (although my grandmother is white so I have been unconsciously raised around the idea of interracial coupling). However, I found a middle ground between myself/my heritage and my ex-lover as he was very aware of his privilege in this world and never tried to act like he wasnt given an upper hand in this life. He was very humble and understanding. And he was from the ghetto that I grew up in so maybe that gives him some extra points. lol. Having had this experience with this great man I just had to say that they’re all not the same and at the end of the day it’s about the persons mindset not thier skin and what that represents.

  • Ceaze

    Your grammar is great sista! I been working on finessing mine as well being that I’m more comfortable with another language than expressed your self clearly with concentration on what u meant to say.. I wish you a partner of your kind who will sit with you in divine order..

  • Anon

    I’m getting the feeling people aren’t reacting negatively to you being black upon the first meeting. I’m thinking you’re reacting negatively to them being white. Record yourself meeting a black person, then meeting a white person. See how differently you act towards each person you’ve just met. From all you’ve said and your blatent biases, I’m willing to bet you’re far more hostile towards a white person than a black person.

    I’m not claiming there aren’t people racist towards blacks and black/white relationships, of course. There are. But dismissing every white guy you meet because of it is silly. There’s also no problem with you simply liking black people more and relating to them more. But just state that outright.

    And don’t blame people for something their ancestors did. That’s getting very old and increasing the race gap. My ancestors were poor – so they turned into thieves and conmen. One of my ancestors probabaly stole or conned one of yours. You gonna hate me for something I had nothing to do with?

  • Daniel Herd

    White Men were not flirting with you, and if they were, you are probably correct in your pre-judgement and unease. A white man was and as such your prejudices seem to be projected from the general to the specific without much thought or intentionality. You have really good points and as such, you may want to keep away from dating White Men, but you probably also want to keep away from dating Black Men too as your own set of individuality, self-reliance, Black-centered lifestyle and, feminist confidence may clash with Black Men as a group of collected archetypes. Good thing you get to pick from within those groups to find someone that fits with your own set of individualities. Most White Men are going to struggle to recognize the inequalities working in their favor or to see the small and not-so-small racial and cultural transgressions that may inform and influence your world schema. It’s still a Venn diagram, with that being one of many factors and eliminating an entire circle is easy but it may be unfair to an individual, maybe yourself.

  • Daniel Herd

    Isn’t this the overall failure of prejudice? It works well as a time and energy saving mechanism when applied on a macro scale, but at the individual level it breaks down, applying generalities, falseisms and cultural perceptions to a situation that ontologically is incapable of meeting these schemas? The issue being that while she may be right about some parts, the practice of applying cultural stereotypes, prejudices and generalities on a whole class of people is ultimately going to fail both the prejudiced person and the prejudged.

  • Anna

    You seem to assume there are no white men capable of examining their privilege, and that all black men will understand their male privilege (as well as other forms of privilege). Would a black man not oppress you, or would he just oppress you in ways with which you are comfortable? If we decide who we date based on how oppressive their demographics will be, should all women be lesbian separatists, separated by race?

    I feel sorry for any “oppressive” friends you have, if all you can see is their privilege and their imagined arrogance based on their chromosomes or the color of their skin. I can summarize your article in a sentence: “I won’t date white guys because they’re the same color as some bad people, and I’m scared.” How would you feel about a white man who assumes all black women will constantly be stereotyping him, waiting for signs of racism and sexism? I find him abhorrent.

    That said, I don’t believe in deliberately dating outside one’s comfort zone to appease one’s conscience. Attraction is attraction, and comfort is comfort. You should date whoever you like, but I think you should reexamine your views, because they seem hypocritical.

    (That being said, I never imagined myself coming to the defense of white men… what a strange world we live in.)

  • Teresa Jusino

    I wonder how, then, if this is your stance on dating white men, how you can tolerate dating ANY man, considering that world history is chock full of examples of men oppressing women. How do you reconcile that? This is actually a serious question – because you seem like someone who strongly sticks to her values, which I hugely respect – what’s the line for you? Clearly, race is a strong line. But what about your gender? (Also, does this apply to other PoC? Do you only date Black men, or would you date any other man so long as he’s not White?)

  • Noes

    I don’t get it. So what, “you’re a great guy and all, but the fact that you’re white just isn’t going to work”? I realise I’m a privileged white girl and any white guys I date are also privileged just for being born white, but refusing to date “the oppressor” only perpetuates racism and fear of difference. Sure, people are symbols, but they are also individuals, and you can’t just make a generalisation like “I don’t date white guys because I’m a black girl and blah blah superiority issues”. It’s outright racism.

  • Joshua Laxen

    I feel actually hurt from this article. I’m white and not once has that ever benefited me in some way nor do I feel the need to assert my “dominance” over any woman of any race. In fact I’ve found from my own introspection that it is the exact opposite of what I want. And I see it as extremely racist of you to just throw out the possibility of loved based on some kind of, frankly insane, thought that all white men have been given everything from birth and that the concept of feelings of slave ownership is genetically inherited.

    I do my best to not judge people based on race, this doesn’t mean I don’t know the stereotypes or that I claim to be 100% without prejudice but at the same time I don’t think I should only date white girls just because dating someone else might ruin some pro-white life style. I’m white by happenstance. I didn’t choose it. I don’t let it influence my choices of music, food, entertainment or jobs.

    I’ve been asked about my ancestory and I don’t know it by choice. It doesn’t matter who or what my grandparents were when it comes to my life. I respect those who came before me for living a good life with respect to the times they did it. I respect those who wnat to know their and even those who choose to embrace it but to let it control your life as you seem to be letting it is just nuts.

    If I was this guy you seem to think is flirting with you I’d count myself lucky to not get involved with someone like you who judges people solely on their race. It might be him just trying to be nice and talking to a “familiar face”. Not even willing to give a guy a chance based on pure unfounded speculation is just wrong.

  • Jack

    This article confuses me on what the goal of ending racism is because it seems that the author was making judgments about a person based on the color of their skin, which I thought is what we were trying to get away from. As a white male who cares about social justice, I abhor racism and I am disgusted by the actions of the members of my ancestry who engaged in slavery. I am also disgusted by other whites who still hold ignorant views. I am linked to them not by my personal beliefs but because of skin color, geographical location of an ancestry in common etc… I do acknowledge my white privilege and that my disgust at certain members of my ancestry is in no way on par with the pain of dealing with the enslavement of the author’s ancestry or what people of color go through in a white dominated society. I am not saying that the author is racist, however, I fail to understand how continuing to judge other’s by the color of their skin, which the author admits to doing in the article, is helping the cause. The course of history has most certainly shaped the present but the question is since we can’t escape the terrible parts of our past what do we need to be doing in the present as individuals who care to create the future that we want? What kind of future do we want? This is not a rhetorical question, I truly want to know.

  • SchrodingersTherapist

    I’m a white man who has dated black women. I wasn’t “colonizing” or “appropriating” their bodies – I was making love to them. Two human beings managing to find each other, make a connection and share pleasure and affection despite all the barriers society puts between them. I think that should be celebrated rather than condemned. I don’t write off whole categories of women, because unlike the author I am able to look beyond factors a potential lover has no control over, and decide whether she is a kind, decent person I can take the risk of becoming intimate with.

  • Red Pillman

    The writer would do well to view a few T.J. Sotomayor videos on youtube for some well deserved perspective.

  • Lasivian

    I happen to be a white male. And let me tell you now not all white men are privileged. Some of them have the same issues that minoritiea face. Look at a homeless whote man and tell me he is privileged. It is a gross generalization. But there is nothing I can do about those views is there.

    • Que Stevens

      He was privileged and still is privileged to the fact that people will assume that things went horribly wrong for him in life and feel sorry for him and will likely get more offers of help than if someone just that he was a no good lazy crack smoking bum which would be the generalization of a homeless black person..

  • KuroiAmaterasu

    Right. You go girl. You can have whatever preferences and desires you like. It’s empowering.
    If someone of the opposite gender were to, however, it would be objectifying and all sorts of scary adjectives.

  • Sarah Goodwich

    This phrase says it all: “I do imagine that their white partner’s unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege compromises their own free exercise of will on some level in their relationship.”

    She’s clearly projecting her own insecurities throughout this entire screed, as shown with her incredibly pretentious and obnoious writing-style.

  • Guest

    I never thought to hold my husband, who is an amazingly kind and enlightened white man, responsible for the sins of his ancestors. I think it’s quite unfortunate that people who have been judged and discriminated against for their culture or race do the same to others instead of breaking the cycle. The world may see a white man and a mixed woman when they look at me and my husband, but when we look at each other we see so much more.

  • Equality

    Sounds American. The USA need to get over these issues. I know heaps of inter ratial marriages which are made richer because each bring together a strong heritage. Though I’ll admit I don’t know any of these in America, I haven’t been here over 3years but honestly the ratial attitudes on all fronts suck.

  • Adeen Mckenze

    It is your opinion who you want to date. Me, personally I wouldn’t mind dating outside of my race. There are good and bad men in all races and cultures so it is not good to limit yourself to just Black men. Love knows no color at all.

  • Bee

    You can tell that 90% of the commenters didn’t read this article in full, nor understand what they did read. To fully grasp this article you must set white tears aside and get a full, in depth explanation of white (male) privilege. She’s clearly not generalizing.. all white ppl have privilege.. it’s fact, if you don’t accept that, well. you aren’t the first one to be in denial, esp. in this country. She isn’t saying “no white men” with her hand in the dude’s face… it isn’t even about skin color, it’s about the system that is supporting such privilege behind an individual who is white. it’s not the fact that he’s white and that’s it. Not only black women feel this way. Know this. Then a bunch of POC started using this platform as a way to talk about how mixed they are when that is completely irrelevant…

    This article could have been very ignorant had it went along the lines of “I don’t date white men because [insert superficial reason here] and [insert cultural difference here].”
    To the white men (yes its obvious who is who, words speak very loudly) who are crying about stereotyping and discrimination.. you’re honestly just proving her point. Someone isn’t in your favor in the dating realm and it jumps to this level? One commenter implying this was racist… Nobody HAS to be open to all races as far as dating. What about those who do not date outside their race for the sake of the preservation of their culture? Are they wrong? Are we all gonna throw a fit about a person of color not wanting to mate with a particular race because of justified reasons? I’m VERY sure if she would find a white male that is conscious about all of this and his privilege and can handle checking himself there wouldn’t be an issue.. I feel that most of you just seen a few sentences and ran with it. Check your privilege because it’s stinking up the place ppl.

  • cycle454

    “you dont know me” goes both ways

  • A passerby

    Interesting testimony! Mine would be “Why I more and more hesitate to date white men, or Westerners”. Please forgive my mistakes since English isn’t my first language, French is. An African woman, I was raised in Africa but I have spent more than half of my live in Europe and North America. I see myself as a cultural mutt: very European, North American and also very much African in everything I do and say. I have always been opened to different cultures so it has always been a no-brainer to me that I would make an effort to learn about other people, religions, cultures. Besides, when you go to school in an underdeveloped country, you actually have a broader culture than the people who are educated in G20 countries because as we have no choice than learn about the dominant culture: their history, their geography, their food, their languages… Then, I find myself, first in Europe and guess what? I don’t have by example to tell my Lebanese, Japanese or Peruvian friends where my country is located on a map. When we talk about things which are different in each others’ countries, we’re all “ooh and aah”, trying to understand our differences or at least, to respect them. Fast-forward to my French, Belgian, Italian or German friends: not only they know shit about anything “non-white”, sorry Westerner but you hear it all (that’s when they take the time to listen): “Oh, this is weird, this is abnormal, this outdated. Nobody thinks or acts like that anymore blah blah blah.” If you happen to date any of these people with no distinction, you quickly realize that when they say: “I don’t see your skin color, you’re like me.”, they literally mean it. You have the same hair (white girls too think that – really? How come people of the other races do not jump to the same conclusion?), you have to eat the same food, wear the same type of clothes 24/7, have the same cultural values… Newsflash: being colorblind just means that unlike your great-great-grand-parents, it doesn’t bother you to date, kiss, hold hands on the street or sleep with a black woman. However, you’re as ignorant and prejudiced as they were. After 10 years in Europe, I move to North America and things are worse here. Ignorance and eurocentrism at their best! After 20 years on both continents, I have decided that I am not dating a Westerner and given the fact that a Westerner is most of the time white, well I’m not dating a white person. Because at some point, you’re tired of explaining things that you don’t have to explain to a non-white person. At some point, you get tired to be in a relationship and feel like you’re the one making all the efforts to conform to the other person’s culture or whatever because that person seems unable for one second to see things from a different cultural angle. It’s the truth: I date a Latino or Middle-East guy, he can easily understand and actually fearlessly acknowledge that although we’re both humans, we’re different. Yet, he doesn’t assume that I’ll do everything like him because that’s his culture is the universal norm. These days, when a white guy hits on me, I give him a chance. However, if during our talks, I learn that the only countries he has ever traveled to (and I don’t mean in those stupid resorts) or lived in are Western countries or countries where the dominant culture is Western, I am not interested. The reason is that he probably doesn’t know how to adapt to something different from what he used to and I don’t have time to educate/enlighten people anymore. The other thing that also bothers me when you date a white person is the whole “Racism doesn’t exist anymore, you and I being together is the living proof of it blah blah blah.” Are you friggin kidding me? Would you take off your pink glasses? In what era are you living? Have you ever experienced racism? You being uncomfortable about the whole topic just convinces me that dating you is not a good idea. Because what you’re trying to sweep under the carpet in the name of our overwhelming love, is my reality. I didn’t choose it but I can tell you that no matter how many times you experienced it before, it still hurts when it’s subtly thrown to your face and actually, you didn’t expect it. So yeah, as an African woman with a black skin, actually a very dark skin, I will not date a white man because they just don’t get it!

  • Em

    I completely disagree. I’m going to turn the article on it’s side for a second and say this: what if I didn’t ever want to date someone who is black because hundreds of years ago they were oppressed (not just by white people, FYI) and white people were better than them, which means that today, white people are still better than them.
    Now, I don’t agree with the above statement at all but it is basically what you’re saying. You’re judging a race based upon history.
    Do you say the same thing about Asian guys? Asians were the first to enslave black people, so do you swear never to date them too?

    I’m only partially white, so please don’t think that I’m saying this because I think you’re prejudiced against my race (which you are, but it’s not the point of me writing this), but if I said that I would never date a white guy because in World War 1&2 Jewish people were massacred by white people then I would be being racist (let alone not making sense because I’d be saying that I wouldn’t date someone of part of my mixed race).

    Yes, there is such a thing as white privilege and I think it’s wrong but that doesn’t give you any right to judge someone for the fact that they were born into one race where the rules were already set up for them.

  • Alexandra

    This seriously sounds like racism.
    I hate the term “reverse racism”, because racism is racism. That’s all.
    And this article is extremely racist and assuming towards “white people”, closed minded, and quite frankly seems to be written by a person filled with many assumptions and very little life experience.
    How sad. Colour doesn’t matter, and your assumptions of dating someone who is white is only your assumption. The man isn’t going to “oppress” you, and you could’ve potentially damned a good relationship filled with love and learning experiences, before it even began.
    You, dear author of this article, are a cynical woman – and seem to be somewhat racist towards white people.

  • tedcunterblast

    There’s an astonishing amount of totally unsubstantiated conjecture and supreme arrogance in this article. Firstly, the conjecture. You assume all white men have engrained in them a sense of privilege, entitlement and innate supremacy purely because there’s a disproportionate number of them in the corridors of power at the moment (far less disproportionate than it’s ever been, but still disproportionate). If you were to actually take an objective look at current affairs rather than angrily reference ‘traditional’ (see: outdated) power structures you’d realize very quickly that among the younger generations, especially in coastal USA and western Europe, the mentality is very much one of integration and acceptance. There are still bastions of the old mentality; in policing, private schools, courts of law and even hollywood but these are all institutions run by an ageing generation of elites. Of course there are exceptions to the rule as well, we can’t expect every new born to assume the most recent politics of change. There are, and always will be, luddites among us, but views have changed. Unlike the false promises of the sixties hippy movement, the connected generation of the 21st century really will bring change at a societal level, and for you to stand there and automatically reject an entire portion of the population in order to promote your ‘pro-black’ lifestyle choices is laughably ignorant and moronic. If every dark skinned person thought that way it would perpetuate the old mentality, and would strengthen the imponderable divide between black and white.

  • Layla

    Ok, a bit late but I’d like to comment. Personally, it’s her choice who she dates but I would like to point out something…. As an Irish person, we were oppressed by the English for eight hundred years….yes slaves to the English….went through a famine, forced to forego our language and lived on nothing. My ancestors suffered, just like your ancestors did. Our freedom is relatively new. Only in the last century…. But while this has happened to us, I wouldn’t say ‘I’m not dating an Englishman because of what happened. Still, sometimes there is a bit of racism and particularly there is now a friendly rivalry among the two nations but you know what….I don’t blame the people today for what their ancestors did.
    Racism is defined as the hatred of one person by another — or the belief that another person is less than human — because of skin color, language, customs, place of birth or any factor that supposedly reveals the basic nature of that person. It has influenced wars, slavery, the formation of nations, and legal codes. You seem to think it’s just colour it is not. Anyone can be victim of racism. I personally think people tend date someone similar to them with the same values etc. as long as someone has a good heart, there is no point in living in the past. I think you are living in the past, holding onto anger. You know people did bad things, we as Irish had it tough too and WE are a minority. We may have been white but we were Irish so it meant we were subjected to violence slavery etc. but I’d never say I hate the English. I hate what some English army did in the past but not the people of today. I don’t like individuals who are rude but if someone is nice, black white, Asian Hispanic. Italian they are worthy of your time to get to know then despite the colour of their skin. Intelligent people think before they speak. You speak before you think.

  • Jay Simons

    Would it matter if you were completely blind?

  • jeff w

    Not to seem like a bad person, but that said i will make my point. Isnt making a judgment on any person (black, white or “other”) based on race or skin tone “wrong”? I happen to be a white man, and i dont see myself as an “oppressor” (nor do i see people of other races as oppressed or to be oppressed by me), although i read many articles what talk of white men as oppressors/enslavers. I am aware that history does include many negative happenings, many done by “western Europeans” (aka white folk). But to hold me responsible of the “sins of the father”, just because i was born white is equally as wrong as a white person seeing someone else as less due to the reason they arnt white. People are people, some whites are evil f*ckers, so are some asians and blacks, but to group an entire race as the root of oppression, exploitation, and dehumanization of any other group is near xenophobia.

    The more we mix the faster this will become a non-issue, the longer we maintain breeding inside our own “races” the longer we will continue to see eachother as “that other race”. Smile on your brother (and sisters), and remember you most likely have more in common than you do in difference

  • Bastet

    There is much anger in the comments beneath this authors story. And, in my opinion, little thought being given to the true meaning of privelege. Most white guys (and some women) here are denying white privelege on the grounds of conscious decisions. This is a very problematic way of looking at privelege because, by its very nature, privelege does not get noticed by the one who has it. It is an issue to the one that sees others with it while is denied it themselves. This is why, on subjects where we do experience privelege, we need to listen, stop, think, ask questions and think some more.

    I would ask the author,
    How does this privelege manifest in all types of personal relationships? Can you give some common examples so I may better understand?
    If a relationship or friendship forms between a white woman and a black man, do you think his male privelege and her white privelege cancel one another out? Or, do you think it just gets really complicated and depends on the environment, other friends etc

    To the Irish person who spoke about past slavery; I personally believe there is still white privelege in effect despite the horrors of the past.

  • Roy

    Wow, I think she is doing white men a massive favor in not dating them – I think black men should avoid her too – she sees a problem round every corner and seems to enjoy wallowing in victim-hood.

  • Que Stevens

    I bet you would LOVE to trade in your white male privilege for young ignorant black woman privilege wouldnt you…

  • Que Stevens

    As you read the comments you can tell who actually read the whole article and who got angry or they feelings hurt before the first paragraph was over. At the end of the day this is a defensive mechanism for herself and PoC dont have very many of them in society we are just out there and we better just accept what we get and like it. It’s pretty clear who understands racism and privilege and who doesnt.

  • BishPlease

    I agree with the author. And as I read the comments I realize that many of you seem to lack the historical context necessary to understand her viewpoint. Or you are just ignoring her views and reading what you want to read all together. She never said it was wrong for black women to be with white men. So what are all these comments about your genetic make up and your children?? Who the hell honestly cares? This article is about why she does not date white men. Not why the products of those such unions are “unnatural” or somehow wrong.

    Everyone, calm down and re-read the article. She isn’t saying that there is anything wrong with these relationships. She’s explaining why her preference is the way it is. There is a history in America that points plainly to this. Why are you ignoring the history and her viewpoint?Why are you so defensive???

    @disqus_HqjXsQmuEb:disqus you would be offended if someone only liked the white part of you?? 0_o LMBAO!! Well wake up Laila there are lots of people like that in the world and your black father failed in his responsibility by not teaching you about the history that makes everything you are saying irrelevant rubbish. Your white mother failed in that too, but to a lesser extent as prive blanc most certainly blinded her. “I’m mixed”, HA!!! little girl lost please take a seat, according to U.S. Law you aren’t mixed. See one-drop rule colloquially and the Racial Integrity Act. Plain and simple. Race as it exists today is a manufactured label. If you aren’t able to rationalize that you end up comments like the ones below.

    Additionally as far as what is and what isn’t racist. At this point, what black people decide to do, with regards to white people (not wanting to mix, staying away from whatever,) is completely reactionary to the over 500 years of subjugation, rape, murder and basically the systematic destruction and oppression of their people solely on the basis of skin color. I urge people to take a step back and re-read what she is saying. It’s her personal preference and it is based on historical context and modern psychology. For every action there is a reaction. I had sex with a white man once and it still haunts me to this day. Seriously it felt like rape, I pushed him off. Like a stain that refuses to wash itself off, I still feel that shame. Being a first generation American all I can do is roll my eyes. How can people be so completely devoid of the historical knowledge that would make plain “modern” views?

  • JoJo

    I would not date Kristen Maye, but not because she’s black. I would not date her because she seems like a raging narcissist.

  • Jay from Philly

    “Rather, I’m in the business of unsettling privilege ­– of waking it up
    in the middle of the night by dumping a bucket of water on it, and
    telling it to run five miles before dawn.”
    “while he would likely resist the discomfort of learning that his actions
    and words reinforce pernicious systems of oppression which oppress
    masses of people everywhere”

    Man, Kristen, you must be a real blast on a date.

    “Because I’d rather spare myself the complicated confusion of loving
    someone who oppresses me, (an oppression compounded by race and gender
    inequality) and the headache induced by hitting fortified walls of
    privilege when attempting to challenge that oppression, I steer clear of
    white men as romantic partners.”

    You’re making a guy at the office pay for half-century or older sins by long dead men against women that aren’t you. You did this guy a favor by not going out with him.

  • katie

    I am a (bisexual) white woman, and though I say I would date a person of any color/gender, I think I am most likely to end up with a woman of color. If I happen to meet a white man who is kind and loving, who I’m attracted to (which is not a problem), here’s the hard part: they must also be extremely socially aware or at the very very least open to learning and having many intelligent conversations about social problems. White men are statistically less likely to be socially aware, as is one of the bi products of privilege. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s definitely less likely. That said, my reasons for not being likely to date white men are different from the author’s. As a white person, I do not have to experience the exoticism (is that a word?), the ignorant questions about hair and “why do black people _____?” I do not have to experience the power dynamics (of race at least) and the brutal history of slavery and oppression (though it still happens today) that the author talks about. And if I were to pursue a person of color, as a white person I must understand articles like this. A POC who does not want to date me because he wants to be with a black woman or other POC is in fact I think, if for the right reasons, something to be admired. I admire the author, and I would also admire a POC wanting to date interracially, again, if for the right reasons.

    • Rb3

      “Statistically less likely to be socially aware?”

      What in the world are you talking about?

  • Love

    I am a 22 yr old jewish white Woman, who was an immigrant to Canada. I have been dating, for the past 3 years, a half-black christian Man whose mother is black and his father is white. They are wonderful. My boyfriend is wonderful. My parents love him. All our friends love us. To state that two souls in love isn’t enough for you, that what is skin deep (because really thats what it is, just a biological marker, like blue eyes, or blonde hair) makes me think you are immature and worse yet, the idea that you feel justified scares me. Yes, there is corruption, privilege, injustice, AND racism in society and reality check, there always will be. Your self-imposed segregation of not only yourself, but I’m sure your friends and family and other people who think as you do only promotes these injustices, ignorance, and yes, racism. It is not the guy who is interested in you who is wrong, rather, you are wrong for closing yourself off for something your eyes cannot get past. It is extremely hurtful to the progress of society and of the world that you think segregation and keeping ‘like with like’ (not to mention we’re all alike because we are human) is necessary and not only that, but somehow ‘right’. You are a racist. Whether you believe it or not, you impose your preconceived notions on white people and even on black people. To say that people are defined by their skin colour is true, but it is not the only thing they are defined by. It is truly unfortunate such an immature person can write so eloquently about such a damaging, hateful and completely ignorant perspective. I truly hope life teaches you some lessons about the true nature of people and that to move on, we must all move forward together, with love.

  • Elvis Pfützenreuter

    Too good my wife didn’t share this point of view.

  • Rolande Sumner

    Where do I start. At 22 years old you really don’t know anything. Discrediting a man (maybe a good man) on his complexion alone is dumb. You’ll be unhappily coupled or at least alone for the rest of your life if you choose solely on race alone. You write as if you are trying to justiy your blackness, as if you are being rated on just how black you are and can be. That’s just sad. Honey, just be you. Your blackness will not diminish because you choose to date a man who isn’t black.

    To assume women date white men becuase of financial stability is insulting. Most women want to be coupled with someone becuase of shared values and beliefs, financial potential helps in any race. Then you proceed to blame all white men for the sexual objectivity and exploitation of black women. Honey, slavery and black female exploitation started with black village leaders in Africa. Guess what, it continues in Africa and many places around the world by black people in the form of genital mutilation, video vixens, booty pictures and selling sexiness in order to attract the attention of men for approval.

    Do your research before you post ignorance. You sound insecure, misguided and too young to understand anything you have written.

  • Lauren

    Why is black capitalized?

  • Alicia

    I am a proud half Jamaican and half Chinese female dating a blue eyed Sicilian immigrant. The moment anyone hears his accent he loses his ability to participate in the white privilege you believe he has. I think this article needs to acknowledge gray areas of our culture instead of grouping all people as only one way.

  • Jeremy

    Thank you for not abandoning us!

  • Kitty Davenport

    Your loss. He might have been “The One” but because of an accident of birth, you missed out. He may not have been, “The One” and you still could have had an amazing time. You had an opportunity and not only did you miss it,you shit on it and want to be patted on the back. Thats just really sad and I hope you grow as a human being beyond this willful ignorance. All that said, boy did he dodge a bullet!

  • Scott Keegan

    Why is she capitalizing black? She knows it’s not a nationality, right?

  • Sophia Hamilton-Brown

    I do not believe that the writer is stereotyping simply because of past actions. To my mind it is about coming home from work and discussing the nuances that happen throughout the day as a result of being black and feeling understood and validated. Not having someone who makes you feel as though your feelings are invalid or racism does not exist or one who attempts to deny that there is such a thing as ‘white privilege’. I don’t even think that she is saying that she is suggesting that all white men would be like this but she may be suggesting that there are more like that than not so decide to save herself the hassle. And yes, there are many black people that are privileged but anyone that thinks it compares to white privilege or does not recognise that vast inequality in numbers is truly deluded. Additionally, I think the fact that so many people are reading this post so narrowly and suggesting they are being persecuted for the sins of their forefathers are truly missing the mark and making the writers point. You become defensive rather than try to understand.

  • Badwhiteman

    As a white male I totally agree with the author. I don’t date black women either. At least not in a long term relationship. As a white male I realize that my very existence regardless of my actions oppresses blacks, especially black women. During sexual encounters I had flashbacks of my ancestors raping black women and it toally wigged me out. It felt like I was raping a slave. That was a horrible experience. I can pretty much get any women I want because I am white so I tend to look at white and asian women as long term partners. As a white male today it’s amazing how everyone portrays us as being wealthy, cool, great dancers and athletes not to mention assertive and tough. Add Christian to single white male and I almost can hear the mainstream cutlure applause as they rush to their feet. It’s a priveleged life for me…I’ll try not to oppress everyone as much as I usually do. I’ll stay out of sight as much as I can. But one thing I will never stop doing…never…is I will never stop paying my taxes. Let’s face it….we do need whitey around for that. Sorry for how ridiculous this post was. It’s pure sarcasim and was supposed to be stupid. I tried hard to match the level of insane stupidity and racism on the part of the author. The one thing she has going for herself is her youth. Hopefully she evolves as she ages.

  • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

    This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard just because some half educated half wit professor has a hypothesis doesn’t mean that it’s true how can anyone that is not of African decent tell us what we are thinking this is a problem with global white supremacy! There goes that white privilege again!

  • Ibn Al Noori Sadiq

    Another product of white supremacy!

  • Courtney P. Chesney

    Well since I’m old enough to remember when Goodman, Chaney and Schwerner were pulled from that irrigation ditch, I think I’m well aware of who and what sacrifices contributed and still contribute to my life and how I live it. I disagree with your opinion that none of us know priviledge, it’s your opinion and you are certainly welcome to it. Neither I or my subconscious are suppressed, you have to trust me on that one.

  • Courtney P. Chesney

    I’m sure you have seen what you say, I’m just not that girl. I am 55, married to the same guy for over 20 years, I’m sure if you asked him if I’ve allowed him to supbrogate my views with his own just to keep him, he would laugh. Certainly the writer has a right to her views, I never suggested she didn’t, I just don’t share them. I don’t believe I said the world was colour blind, one need only listen to the words of Paul Ryan of late, to know that is not the case. I’m simply saying that love is hard to find. The fewer restraints we put on ourselves when seeking it, the better the chance for happiness.

  • Jonathan Glasman

    You mean like our black president who was elected and re-elected? How about the black record label producers who make up some of the wealthiest people in America? Oh, yeah, they’re so marginalized. Also, I think you should look up the statistics on who is killing who. You think white people kill the majority of black people? No, black males ages 18-39 kill the majority of other black people ages 18-39. Quit your race-baiting BS. Do you honestly think that somewhere, there is a group of old white guys in suits sitting in a board room who are conspiring against all black people? If you want Black America as you put it, to get a better rep, then encourage your black friends to stay in school, not shit out kids, and not run away from the kids they already have. The breakdown of the family is what is holding back urban blacks – not conspiracies. Raise your fucking kids, and stop glorifying gang violence. That’s all there is to it.

    • Goodhall


      The chicken has now come to roost. Be ye careful of the culture you created and fostered. Its legacy may come back to haunt you.

      “Quit your race-baiting BS. Do you honestly think that somewhere, there is a group of old white guys in suits sitting in a board room who are conspiring against all black people?” It’s not coached in that language though – it’s the welfare queen, it’s criminality, it’s lazy/laziness, it’s law and order etc. – conversely, THE ALL AMERICAN. What visions come to mind when discussing both?

      It’s always so strange, that the only people who “race-bate” are POC/Blacks, NOT WHITES. Blacks are the only ones playing the “race card.” How is it that if we are all in the card game call life, and are playing from the SAME DECK, that blacks people are the only ones being dealt/playing the ”race cards” or “baited” by race? I’ll contend that if black people are playing the “race card/race-baiting,” it goes without saying that those are the cards that are are being dealt to them.
      Did people like you mark the cards before dealing them so you/they would know which go to the black people? The hypocrisy of most white people is that they play “the race card” and “race-bait” so well that it they are blind to it.

      “If you want Black America as you put it, to get a better rep, then encourage your black friends to stay in school, not shit out kids, and not run away from the kids they already have. The breakdown of the family is what is holding back urban blacks – not conspiracies. Raise your fucking kids, and stop glorifying gang violence. That’s all there is to it”

      I read a quote recently, and it states: “The system is not broken, that’s the way it was set up”

      Barely five generations ago, white men would’ve been elated at the birth of a child from his slave woman, regardless who sired it (use of “sired,” more in the tune with the time) – black male/white slave owner/overseer – it mattered not one whit. It enhanced his wealth/economic
      holdings; he possibly paid his taxes to the state based on his worth and the generation of income derived there-from, if the property, the slave child, was disposed of a few years later). Many black males or should a subset of black males, as part of that cultural legacy, are still of that slavery mind-set, no different from the many whites, who still believe black people are “inferior,” treat them as such, a threat to them and still believe that slavery was the best thing that
      could’ve happened to black people. One’s psyche can wreak havoc on one’s existence.

      These young black men had no role model; because that was the way the system was set up. Most black men, and for
      many generations, had no responsibility for the children they sired;– “they were animals” – so said white man and treated them as such). They (the children) were not THEIRS; they belonged to slave owners, no different from the foals from mares, piglets from sows and calves from cows. Slaves were not allowed to legally wed, and those in some sort of “committed relationship,” could see the mothers, fathers and their children sold off. Those borne from the loins of white men and black women, whether through rape, coercion or “consensual relationship” were dumped on the black inferior side of the racial equation – they weren’t fully human, but at least had some “human blood” in them owing to them being sired by white men (according to white men). He/she/they too was/were part of the assets of the slave-owner to be disposed of as that
      slave owner saw fit. The result is: they too were never taught how to be to be fathers – and I’ll reiterate, for many centuries and generations. Don’t think for a moment that such behaviour is unique to America, it not; it’s pervasive in
      all societies/countries in the America’s that imported and enslaved Africans.

      All of us are primates, whether or not we’d like to believe it. We learn through mimicking those closest in proximity to us, and I’d like you to consider whether a system that culturally
      lasted some twelve, thirteen and possibly fourteen generations, the effect that could have had the psyche on those who had to endure it, including succeeding generation who inherited it as a cultural legacy. Is it any wonder that we’re reaping what we have sown?

      Just so you know, the “and not run away from the kids they already have” is already a part of the white community near
      you. It’s called “Sixteen and Pregnant,” but you being a white person, certain stereotype is only applicable to those of the inferior race. I noticed, you made no mention of the white males who still impregnate black girls and women during their “sexual trial run” with them and then disappear. These women will not talk about it because they are embarrassed by it – not unlike white men in the good
      old days. Their offsprings are still black.

      As a term of reference, just think for a moment about something culturally that your great grandparents did – the God they worshipped, the food they eat, and just in general, a cultural legacy that today, after three or four generations, you Jonathan still practice without giving it a second thought. Try reframing that within the concept of centuries of chattel slavery and its pernicious brother, Jim Crow.

      As to the “black president” and “black record label producers who make up some of the wealthiest people in America” – Anomalies! Not surprising though, this is
      the white man’s mind at work, inane as it is. A black man is elected to the presidency and centuries of racism just vanish.

      • Jay from Philly

        Your remarks on family breakup due to slavery don’t fly. During Jim Crow Black men supported intact families, ran Black-owned businesses, and lived in Black-owned homes. They did it despite, not because of Jim Crow. It was after the Civil Rights era that the Black family fell apart.

        • Goodhall

          Damn! Black men sexual activities and fecundity – no need to mention with black women, since with white women, it
          could’ve cost them their lives, and the white men’s fecundity impregnating black women – (by the way, the offsprings, would be considered BLACK, and for all intense and purpose, would have no fathers) – just went into overdrive after 1964, (year of the passage of the Civil Rights Act). Even if one wishes to argue that civil rights era began a decade earlier (1954) with the Supreme Court Decision
          - Brown versus the Topeka, Kansas Board of Education, you would have us all believe that it was the civil rights era that created and gave us the high out of wedlock birth among black women.

          A year after the passage of the Civil Rights Act, Patrick Moynihan in his (1965) Report stated that Jim Crow and Slavery had devastated consequences on black people. That wasn’t new; Edward Franklin Frazier had made the similar assertion way back in the 1930s too.

          Such out of this world sexual freedom for white men and black men, having sex and procreating with black women that in 1 year, count 1 year (later), if we use the latter (Moynihan) report, there was an explosion of out of wedlock birth among black women. That argument is right up there with those of white women, on seeing their husband’s physical features in the children sired with slave women and even “free black women” during Jim Crow, postulated: IT WAS DUE TO OSMOSIS. The offsprings were just taking on
          those physical characteristics of these white men, due to their (the sired) proximity to white men. Or, whites then and now, arguing: they do not understand why the newly minted EX-slaves could not read or write. How clever!

          Jay, the scholar that you are: I “Guess it didn’t jibe with your
          all-problems-are-caused-by-the-presence-and-absence-of-white-people line of thinking”

      • Jay from Philly

        It seems I can’t respond to your reply, but I said Black families were intact DESPITE Jim Crow, but you chose to ignore that. Guess it didn’t jibe with your all-problems-are-caused-by-the-presence-and-absence-of-white-people line of thinking.

  • Inspired

    The inequality in white male/black female interactions that stems from white men holding “unconsciously conditioned expectations of privilege” technically applies to all relationships be they romantic or platonic. So, the author should avoid the “small form of violence” she’ll suffer by hanging out with this individual on either level. I guess the expectation of privileg taints all white/black relationships regardless even of gender disposition. Because of this I think that a rewrite of this article along these lines is in order. It should be titled “why I don’t associate with white people.” It’d be a relatively easy edit. Just change all the sections where she relates “why I don’t associate with white men romantically” (paraphrasing) to “why I don’t associate with white people at all”. This example can even be followed by those not of the author’s race and gender. I’m a white male myself and up to now I didn’t realize I had an expectation of privilege, probably because it’s unconscious. Now that I realize it must be there I feel like it’s my duty to stop committing the small forms of violence that are an inevitable result of my associating with black people. This is probably a good idea for us all given our tragic racial history and a complicated current racial climate. It’d probably do us all some good to extend the authors example further and more separation along racial lines. I know this sounds impossible but we could all start by taking smalls steps. First we all just stop dating inter-racially as the author examples so well, then we could stop patronizing establishments owned and/or operated by other races, then we could all move to racially exclusive neighborhoods, etc. Within just a few decades I bet we could achieve a complete racial separation. In fact, I’m going to work tirelessly to make this dream a reality starting this instant because I can’t allow my expectation of privilege to do anymore harm. Kristen Maye as you are the genesis, the catalyst of this momentous decision I am honored to award you the distinction of being the last black person I have associated with.

  • Black realty

    Black women are the most desired in the world.  I see several couples in downtown Toronto and I have no problem with it as long as they are “good white men”.  Some white men are ideal for black women .  This fetish dates back to slavery.  How could the slavemasters regard blacks as animals but at the same time couldn’t keep their hands off them?  Hmm.  Here’s the problem; If they are not prepared to support the repairing of the damaged black community, they are playing the same game just a different time line.  Do not have anything to do with these people and that includes friendships  because they are passive racists.  We tell our children they are bullys if they can and choose not stop a kid from bullying someone another kid so the the same principles apply here.  Do not get deceived from these people who can do their small part to turn the page but rather chooses to stand and watch our black community continue to suffer with their arms folded.  Those black women who like white chocolate, find a good white man as they are out there supporting local black based causes.  If you want to cross the line, find someone who respects the black community where you are from instead of using you for sexual purposes and then marries someone who is white.  I meet these snakes when I’m interacting with them for our outreach initiative.  In the end, you are better off with your own kind.  Indians and Asians rarely mix but blacks are all over the place! LOL We need to get it together because no matter how much we mix, society will treat us as they always has, black.  Be proud enough of who you are and find your own.  We just have to work harder to find a good black life partner due to the physiological damage some of us still carry.  A white person can find an ideal life partner in five or less where we have to go through maybe 50 or more.  Black sisters, don’t give up on finding your black prince and black brothers, don’t give up on finding your black princess.

  • Hhhhhrm

    To put the article in other words the author is saying “I don’t feel comfortable dating white men because I assume their white privilege will make for an uneven relationship” and I kind of have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand there is nothing wrong with deciding not to date within a certain race because the idea makes you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t recommend dating white men to this person if her assumptions and preconceptions are strong enough for her to publish them. On the other hand she is not taking responsibility for her feelings and has projected the blame for her decision on to a very stereotyped, generic “white male” population. Also, she’s not just making a personal decision but disseminating her views through this publication, setting an example for lots of readers who may not have considered how to approach inter-racial dating. So a black woman who is on the fence about whether or not to date white men will read aspects of this article as “it is not pro-black to date white men.” I was listening to a local radio show once where a panel progressive young black women were discussing inter-racial dating, possibly as a response to this article, and they all seemed to have a better grasp of the issue than the author. They all agreed that they hadn’t dated white men, probably wouldn’t do so to the best of their knowledge and accepted the responsibility themselves based on different criteria. Some were just not attracted to white men which is completely fair, most didn’t think it would work because of difference of experience or lack of understanding but none of them blamed their feelings on white men in general. I think that black people are more aware of racism and can more easily identify it than white people because they are subject to it and understand it as a part of their history/identity. A progressive black person, like the author of this article, who makes a political decision not to date white people will easily identify their own decision as racism. This article reads like a struggle on the part of the author to reconcile her anti-racist politics with her racist decision.

  • Goodhall

    Would you prefer being a black man/black woman living in America at
    your current status in life – economically, socially and educationally? Put another way, would you switch your white/whiteness for black/blackness? I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SOME RICH BLACK GUY WITH WHOM YOU’D TRADE PLACES. – Comparison has to be apples to apples.

    Secondly, what do you mean by this? “…I am white and do not have any
    mixed ethnicity” You did not state from what country you originated, so I’m
    going to assume, you’re from Europe. Were you considered WHITE in the country of your birth or were you Irish, English, French, Austrian, Czech, Polish or Serbian etc.– even in some of those countries different ethnicities exist.

    I’ll contend the moment you landed on American shores you assumed the
    mantle of WHITE/WHITENESS. Could it be that your reason for doing so is due to the privilege it awards you?

    Most white people, no matter where they come from, on arriving in
    countries that were colonized by European become WHITE. Why is that?

  • Lifeisgood!

    What I read was:
    Now that black men no longer what my jumpoff ass and got themselves white and asian women, I wanted to try white guys but they had actual taste unlike black men and they want the same dark skinned women I was made to believe I was superior than.

    And now boo hoo I want to act like I am a full black woman now and speak for all black women to claim all white men are bad. Instead of admitting that I am hurt that white men and other nonblack men do not treat me like the fake goddess colorstruck black males treated me as. BOO HOO HEAR ME CRY!

    This bitch is crazy! She mad that white men got taste for who she thought she was better than. HA! Too damn bad!

  • Lifeisgood!

    “Black” women like this, if this is even a real black woman (We have found that black men and white women have been writing many of these suspect articles popping up lately proclaiming its by black women) need to STOP SPEAKING FOR ALL BLACK WOMEN.

    Not all black women (particularly black women outside of America and some within) care about blaming da white man for slavery or whatever. We can acknowledge and still live our lives. AND many of us ARE ATTRACTED TO WHITE MEN AND DON’T NEED TO DIE SINGLE JUST BECAUSE OUR ANCESTORS EXPERIENCED WHAT MANY BLACK WOMEN EXPERIENCE TODAY WITH THE BLACK MEN WE CLAIM ARE SUCH ‘KINGS!’

    Not all black women are so slow and ride or die black. Some of us are logical and very open to dating nonblack men . So I need these kind of statements to stop. NOT ALL BLACK WOMEN ARE THIS CLOSEMINDED!

    • Jay from Philly

      Excellent point. The author is in that stage of life where she is full of fire and conviction but lacking in real life experience.

  • Black Reality

    Black women are the most desired in the world. I see several couples in downtown Toronto and I have no problem with it as long as they are “good white men”. Some white men are ideal for black women . This fetish dates back to slavery. How could the slave masters regard blacks as animals but at the same time couldn’t keep their hands off them? Hmm. Here’s the problem; If they are not prepared to support the repairing of the damaged black community, they are playing the same game just a different time line. Do not have anything to do with these people and that includes friendships because they are passive racists. We tell our children they are bullies if they can and choose not stop a kid from bullying someone another kid so the the same principles apply here. Do not get deceived from these people who can do their small part to turn the page but rather chooses to stand and watch our black community continue to suffer with their arms folded. Those black women who like white chocolate, find a good white man as they are out there supporting local black based causes. If you want to cross the line, find someone who respects the black community where you are from instead of using you for sexual purposes and then marries someone who is white. I meet these snakes when I’m interacting with them for our outreach initiative. In the end, you are better off with your own kind. Indians and Asians rarely mix but blacks are all over the place! LOL We need to get it together because no matter how much we mix, society will treat us as they always has, black. Be proud enough of who you are and find your own. We just have to work harder to find a good black life partner due to the physiological damage some of us still carry. A white person can find an ideal life partner in five or less where we have to go through maybe 50 or more. Black sisters, don’t give up on finding your black prince and black brothers, don’t give up on finding your black princess.

  • Amy Rosa

    These comments are HILARIOUS because White men say this a lot and no one tells them a damn thing about why they don’t date Black women, but when Black women,who for centuries,have been racially stereotyped as saucy Jezebels who will are open to all men whenever they feel the urge to “release”, and has very understandable and justifiable reasons, people pathologize her and try to call her the racist. I wouldn’t date White men either…look at all the Whiney ,entitled White males on this board using their Black girlfriends and wives as a weapon to chastise a Black woman . Ya’ll love Black women until they don’t prefer to date,marry and screw you. Way to prove her points,brazen racists and misogynists.

  • lucius

    Young lady I appreciate your honesty and viewpoint. People love to say we are all one race the human race but, that is not representative of how we are all treated. I do not live in Camp Kumbaya and understand that my skin is my sin. Before anything else I am black first which is something I do not run and or hide from.i truly love and respect you my sister and you are very wise beyond your years. It does not matter how I am treated individually but, how everyone who looks like me is treated collectively. I never play the model minority or I am one of the good ones not like the rest of them bs.

  • Stephen Williams

    Ma, you’re lost and only perpetuate racial tension. As a black man I am offended by your article and I don’t imagine many black men would be in board with your ideology unless they subscribed to the philosophy of Al Sharpton or Reverend Jesse Jackson; whom are both terrible people. In my opinion your best bet would to be to invest in a very nice dildo and keep these cancerous ideals to yourself, just my opinion though!

  • TuMadre

    So, as a man who identifies as white, I am not racist for only wanting to date people who share my heritage, which is a mix of Irish and German (the majority of white people in the US), and am afraid of dating black women because I am afraid of them thinking that I would hold a position of power and oppression over them?


    • analbumcover

      My belief is that almost everyone is at least a little racist at heart, but what’s important is how we act rather than how we feel. I know I make judgments about people based on their race, but I try not to ever take those judgments too seriously, and treat others as fairly as possible. I don’t think having a dating preference for a certain race counts as racist. To me, it only counts as racism when you start treating others unfairly simply because of their race–an example would be if I gave a white a job he was less qualified for than a black applicant simply because he’s white. Or giving the job to an Asian who’s less qualified simply because she’s Asian.

  • melissa

    Oh my god, this is one of the most racist things I have seen that’s not being shown as an explicit example of racism. I’m a woman of color and my partner is a white man from a much richer country than mine. He treats me in every way like an equal, in fact in most cases he defers to me.

  • PuffoPadrino

    “I would be compelled to hold this man accountable to recognizing his
    white male privilege, while he would likely resist the discomfort of
    learning that his actions and words reinforce pernicious systems of
    oppression which oppress masses of people everywhere.”

    Wow. You sound like you’re tons of fun.

  • Daniel Lowe

    Wow sounds like this lady has serious self esteem and self identity issues. If she does not like white men for whatever reason that is fine by me. But telling me that i think I’m entitled to women of different race is absurd. I am not entitled to anyone. offended….. wait i forgot. I cant get offended

  • Anisha

    this article is straight to the point and very true I am a east indian woman and I would never date a white man as I seen too much racism that white people have towards our men and white men have also oppressed, slandered, mocked, and defamated our peoples character. white men always try flirting with me and I feel very uneasy, first our religion and beliefs are very different and also the history of what white people have done to our people is still sustained and ingrained very negatively. also what white people have done to other peoples values of religion they have watered down and ruined it pretty much. i am not attracted to whitemen period there is too much bad blood and bad history that I will never accept them. white people glorify who they have sex with and use women like they are objects and a trophy and place bets with their buddys on who they can $%#@. also they are disfunctional and have the highest divorce rates and are not lifestyle is very different from theirs and I am attracted to my own indian men, i guess its personality and also honesty that I am attracted to besides our language and ethnic food which we eat. i feel I have more in common with my own race and don’t feel uncomfortable. I also am very well aware that white men are not trustworthy and they are very scandalous and lazy.

  • Slabby

    It’s perfectly reasonable to say that there’s ongoing reason to not date a white guy. But that isn’t reason not to date EVERY white guy. The reasoning goes foul when it’s extrapolated. Just because lots of white guys are bad doesn’t mean that every one is. To not give a guy a shot because he’s white is nothing more than walling oneself up out of defense.

    The fact that our author would risk depriving herself of a wealth of potentially understanding, intelligent, and kind men in order to filter out the bad ones speaks to how poor and reactionary her defensive mechanism really is. The mature activist recognizes that there are conscientious individuals out there of every stripe, and that they’re welcome allies and even friends.

    Giving up on every white man is the planet is not a well-reasoned response to white male ignorance.

  • mistieme

    I’ve never dated a black man. Would I date a black man? Yes, but admittedly, he’d have to be involved in the many things I’m in to, just because that’s my preference. If I met a black man who liked indie music/rock music, similar values and beliefs, enjoyed similar activities, somewhat athletic and who was genuinely nice (not abusive like some men from all cultures could be – trying to not be generalized here), productive citizen of the US, self sufficient, pretty much in line with who I am as a person, I would be super interested.

    • TheTimeToStopPostingIsNow

      They do exist, but they tend to only date non-Black women.

  • Anton

    White men killed hundreds of thousands of other white men to free black men and women. Why? Because of a belief in the inherent dignity of each human being. Without this, we are lost.

  • Herculine

    what if this white man understand privilege just like you do? if he doesn’t then, of course don’t date him but don’t judge him before you know him and don’t judge him based on the colour of his skin. you know this already.
    from my experience though i find that a lot of black men do not even know about male privilege and even if they knew of its existence they don’t acknowledge it. in terms of gender inequality, black culture has it bad (from my perspective as a middle class black londoner).

  • Marten

    Most African Americans are descendants of black slaves and white rapists, so your ancestors were the victims but also the perpetrators. Indeed, 99% of white Americans have never had ancestors who practiced slavery, most white immigrants arrived in America after the end of slavery, most European immigrants were poor people who can not afford to have slaves. Then, the idea that someone is responsible for the actions of their ancestors is the basis of racist ideology, it is called tribalism.
    Ironically, you probably have more slaver’s blood that this white man who had the misfortune to approaching you.