Solving More Of Your Sex And Relationships Problems!
Thanks so much for sending in questions! I’m a little surprised by just how many of you did, and all of your questions were so interesting! I’m not going to get to all of them this week, unfortunately, but I will soon, I promise! I plan to just do them in the order they were received, so if your question isn’t answered…have life problems sooner, okay? Again, you can leave questions here, e-mail them to [email protected], tweet them to me, or leave a question on our Facebook page. (Have you liked our Facebook page yet? You do know that you can win a 250 dollar gift certificate, right?)
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years and while we’ve kinda sorta brought up marriage and babies and kids, there’s no timeline and it’s starting to make me anxious. Is this normal/how do I deal/ADVICE PLZ — AJC
Is it normal? Maybe! I don’t know how old you are, but different people have different ideas about when to get married–some people are comfortable doing it in their early twenties, and some people panic at the idea of getting married before thirty. Have you discussed what age you’d like to get married? I’m 25 years old and I have weddings and engagement parties this summer for people in their early twenties, early thirties, and early forties. Have you lived together yet? Some people don’t think it’s smart to get married before cohabiting (myself included.) Don’t worry–there’s no cutoff for when you’re allowed to get hitched! Likewise, I know some knocked-up women in their forties and some knocked-up women in their thirties and some in their twenties!
But the real issue here isn’t that there’s no timeline and is that normal and all that, but the fact that you’re anxious about it. Maybe you want to get married soon! Maybe you’re worried that if he doesn’t want to marry you after four years, he won’t ever want to marry you. (Maybe, maybe not.) You’ve got to talk to him about it. It’s a scary talk to have, but it’s worth having: if you’ve “kinda sorta brought up marriage”, he probably knows you’re thinking about it and is not going to bolt.
Before you do, though, go for a walk and think about why you’re anxious. Is it because you really do want to get married young? Is it because your friends are all getting married? Do you really, really want to plan a wedding? Is it because you think four years = automatically time to get married? Do you think he doesn’t love you? There’s a very real chance that you’ll come at him and he’ll tell you he’s just not ready. Instead of freaking out, remember the root of your anxiety, and take steps to address that problem.
My best friend hates my S/O and it’s driving me crazy!!! She’s always so snide to him, and if we go out and he’s there she sometimes leaves! I think he’s, like, Tony the Tiger great, but what the hell am I supposed to do? – ST, 19
There’s one of three things going on. 1) Your friend hates your S/O for good reason. 2) They just don’t click. 3) Your friend is being a brat and is taking out unresolved issues in your friendship out on your S/O.
You have to find out what it is, first of all! Yeah…I’m going to recommend talking about it again. The thing is, if you operate on the wrong assumption, you might fuck up your friendship and your relationship and you don’t want that. Tell her you’d like to talk about something and have her over, or go for a walk.
If it’s reason 1 (she has concerns about the way he treats you, etc.), please, hear her out. Try not to get offended. See if you can refute her points. You say your boyfriend is Tony the Tiger great, but love blinds us. I definitely have had relationships where I wish I had listened to my friends sooner about what a jerk my boyfriend was. Unfortunately for me, I completely ignored all of them and when we inevitably broke up, I ended up feeling more lost and alone than any other time in my life. I’d pushed them all away. (Luckily, they’re all amazing people and welcomed me back with open arms.) Just don’t be mad at her–she’s your BFF, and she’s looking out for you. It’s really hard to tell your friends that you think their partners are shit people, so thank her for the love and care she’s showing.
If it’s reason 2, maybe figure out exactly what’s bothering her? Maybe it’s just the fact that he talks while he chews or speaks loudly or teases her. It could be an easily solved problem! If it’s not, tell her you love them both and you’ll respect her feelings but she needs to not be rude to him just because they’re never going to be best friends. I definitely have friends whose S/Os I can’t stand, but sometimes you grin and bear it.
If it’s reason 3, try to resolve the issue! Maybe she feels like you’re always with him and she can’t get any one-on-one time. Some people are perfectly happy to be joined at the hip with their partners. It works for some couples–maybe they share the same friends. Make a plan for a friend-date. Go to dinner, a movie, an exercise class, coffee, shopping–whatever. Play video games together in the same room silently. Just get that valuable BFF time in! One of my closest friends doesn’t live in the same city as me anymore (well, several of my closest friends, actually), and it’s really hard not being able to do Saturday afternoons together or just text each other to get coffee whenever.
No matter what, stress that she can’t be rude to your partner–it’s not fair to you. If she wants to excuse herself when he’s around, well…I can’t really say she’s wrong. If the solution is that you have a weekly brunch date and never go out together anymore, maybe that’s the best. (Nothing involving brunch is bad.)
Good luck! One of the things I really really appreciate about my current relationship is that we integrate well with each other’s friends. Even the friends who weren’t “mutual” when we started dating feel mutual now! It’s always nice!
I have a sex question–I can’t get myself off when I masturbate anymore. It feels good, but I just never…get there! I used to be able to come with my ex, and I could finish myself off before, but I can’t anymore! – KG, 19
Let’s get the boring stuff out of the way: have you started any new medications recently? It’s amazing to me how what we put in our body really affects our sexual pleasure. The list of medications with “sexual dysfunction” as a listed side effect is too long for me to even list examples.
If it is a medication side effect, definitely talk to your doctor! (Which, full disclaimer, I am not, and am in no way qualified to offer medical advice.) It’s definitely a valid reason to switch medications (or think about ways to counteract it.)
Don’t underrate your mind’s power in killing orgasms. Ever been going at it and had a ridiculous song come on? Maybe there are some lingering issues from your relationship. Maybe you just get close and then start thinking about the fact that you’re close and then your rhythm changes. Just try to relax!
Written by Jess Mary Aloe
Follow her on Twitter!