Nail Friday: U Can Has Cheezburger?
There is nothing I love more in this free world than a delicious cheeseburger. No really, nothing. If someone forced me into a Sophie’s Choice scenario between a loved one and a cheeseburger then I’m sorry, Mom, I’m going with the loved one that I can eat (just kidding, I’d keep my mom, the cheeseburger, and Meryl Streep and RUN). I even have a cheeseburger wallet (pictured above) and the amount of gasps and giggles I receive whenever I pay for something in public is truly rewarding. Since I’ll be in Panama next week (or right now since you’re reading this on actual Nail Friday), I thought what better way to obnoxiously shout “I’m American!” without even having to open my mouth than to paint cheeseburgers on my nails. Let’s kick this mother off.
You will need a lot of shit for this tutorial; more shit than I typically would make you deal with. The list includes a shitty basecoat, bun color (Sula’s “Modest Much”), lettuce green (OPI’s “Green-wich Village”), tomato/ketchup red (Wet n’ Wild’s “Everybody Loves Redmond”), cheesy yellow (Sally Hansen’s “Lightening”), burger brown (Revlon’s “Hot for Chocolate”), sesame seed white (OPI’s “Alpine Snow”), a top coat (Seche Vite 4 lyfe), those eBay nail stickers I use in every post, and some nail brushes (this part can be improvised/freehanded). I can’t tell you how long I spent in the pharmacy trying to find the perfect bun color. What is my life? Me and the boyfran literally just stood there in the makeup aisle repeating such phrases as “This is too orange for a bun, unless it’s a super cartoon bun,” “I think buns are more of a burnt orange; that’s way too pink,” and “WHY AM I DOING THIS?!”
So much shit! To start, take guide sticker number 1 and place it horizontally right across each nail.
Then, paint on your basecoat and your bun color. Let the polish dry for about two minutes before ripping the stickers off. You want the polish to still be tacky but not completely dry. The lines also don’t have to be 100% perfect for this tutorial since you’ll be painting over them with burger filling anyway.
I went the sticker route because the green and red polishes I have are not super opaque and would look like feces if painted over anything other than my actual nail or white. I’m also not a baller so I wasn’t about to buy all new polishes just to make cheeseburger nails. If you happen to have super pigmented/opaque burger filling colors, then by all means skip this step.
I used the same brush for the ketchup/tomato, lettuce, and cheese; making sure to wipe it clean before dipping it into a new color. It helped to pour a little bit of each polish onto a paper plate so I didn’t have to go digging into the bottles like some manicure monster. You want a brush that is very thin and skinny so you can paint a thin line of each color on the top half of the empty space you created. You can also freehand this part and I’ll pray for you.
It’s a little messy but have you ever had an immaculate, linear cheeseburger? I didn’t think so (White Castle does not count). To add the burger to the cheeseburger, use the polish brush to dab the brown color across your nail. You don’t want it to be a straight line because burgers are, well, kind of lumpy and bulbous. You can see the cheeseburgers starting to take form. If you orient them correctly, the effect is even more mouth-watering.
See?! Vietnam nom nom. The last step is to take another brush (you can use a toothpick too!) to dot on the sesame seeds. You can really use anything with a very small tip on the end; I just used a very fine point brush and haphazardly dotted the seeds on.
The sesame seeds could have come out better but I was getting tired and fucking hungry at this point so honey badger don’t give a shit. Let everything dry for about ten minutes to prevent streaking and then slap on that top coat. Then, open up Photobooth and take awkward pictures of you eating your wallet and smiling, alone, in your living room.
The sacrifices I make for you, Feminspire readers. I hope you enjoyed this tutorial and as always, questions, feedback, and suggestions are frowned upon (just kidding, talk to me). Also, Mom, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for saying that I would choose a cheeseburger over you. I just said it to be cool and hep in front of my internet friends.