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Feminspire | April 24, 2014

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My Vagina, My Decisions: Why I’m Not Getting a Vajacial to Please Your Male Gaze

My Vagina, My Decisions: Why I’m Not Getting a Vajacial to Please Your Male Gaze

Brazilian. Bermuda Triangle. Landing Strip. No, I’m not talking about taking a private jet to a private island with my sexy Latin lover, I’m talking about hair “down-there”. The amount of hype around vajayjay coifs (or lack thereof) is alarming, to say the least. It seems like everyone has an opinion on how us women should be groomed in our nethers, without much of a real care as to what we think about the situation.

But apparently, thank God, everyone is really concerned with what men think about how to style our baby-making entrance! Nad’s surveyed 1,000 men earlier this month and surprisingly an all-bare down-there is no longer en vogue. Nearly half (43 percent, to be exact) of the men questioned said they enjoy a groomed, trimmed Jean Valgina, and not the seemingly popular full-out Brazilian. Ladies, rejoice! Rip up your salon rewards card! Go buy the box set of Big Love with the 60 dollars and the subsequent itching you’ll be saving yourself this month!

This news is good, I guess. I’m mainly hopeful because maybe it means we’re finally ushering out of a glossed up, oiled down, Barbie-bodied internet porn era that has dictated how men have deemed women desirable over the last two decades. On the other hand, this whole survey seems totally irrelevant, because I don’t know about you, but I don’t really care what men think I should do with my pubic hair. Because it’s mine, and I’ve never been in a sexual situation (although I’m sure they exist) where someone has gotten down there and been like “fuck nope”. I do what I want with my body. Period. Full stop.

But now, ladies, we have to deal with this fuckery. That’s right — a San Francisco waxing salon is now offering, and I can barely type this without wincing, Vajacials. Which is pretty much what you think it is, a facial for “down there”.

BellaSugar.com reports: …the 50-minute treatment ($60) involves four steps. First, skin is cleansed with an antibacterial body wash and witch hazel. Then, a papaya-based exfoliating gel goes on before the esthetician extracts ingrown hairs. After that, an anti-freckle, anti-acne, or calming mask is applied. It finishes off with an application of lightening cream.

Am I the only person that would actually rather just wipe my ass with the 60 dollars and flush it down the toilet then prescribe to this completely ludicrous, male-gazed bullshit? The only part of this that sounds even slightly worth the time, money, and (I’m sure) discomfort is the extraction of ingrown hairs, because every woman knows what a Satan-spawned horror those can be. But I’m sorry, anti-freckle, anti-acne, or calming mask? Come again? My vagina does not need calming, thank you very much. Although maybe she does after reading this garbage. And a lightening cream!? I wasn’t aware that she was too dark. Are we now discriminating against vagina color? Is that a thing that exists?

…holy shit, there’s a market for labia dye, so apparently so!

She’s just chilling, living her life, cool like the other side of the pillow. It’s not an open wound that needs to be tended to. If you didn’t know, your girly bits basically regulate themselves. It’s been proven time and time again that douching or anything with scents, sprays, or harsh chemicals is bad for your gal pal. Just don’t fuck with it. And don’t give into the social pressure to fuck with it; be it waxing, shaving, plucking, or making it smell like the inside of Strawberry Shortcake’s oven filled with rainbows and sparkles. It’s an organ that is pure in purpose and capable of the biggest miracle on Earth: birth. Do whatever you want with it. Give it a mohawk and a dye-job and tell everyone it’s name is “Spike” for all I care. But make sure you’re doing it for you, and not to please any of it’s potential (and lucky) admirers.

What do you think? Should men have a say in your grooming habits? Do you think “Vajacials” are as bogus as we do? Let us know in the comments below. 

Written by Chelsea J. Leibow
Follow her blog, Chelsea Twentysomething!

  • pixiepickle

    As my lesbian friend often says, if you are worried about hair or how it looks, you’re eating that p***y wrong.

    • http://www.facebook.com/bluefootedpig Jon Steven

      guess you have never gone down on a hairy box before. The hair gets everywhere! it cross back and forth like a lattice, protecting any kind of intrusion. Even having sex with a girl who is really hairy normally takes a little more lube because of the extra friction.

      I consider being trim a common courtesy. Kind of like wearing deorderant. I mean sure, some women are turned on by musk (depends on time of month actually), but for those other times, it is good to smell nice.

      Being trim, at least not an insane bush, is well… have you gone down on a guy who has never trimmed? Your face keeps on getting pocked by stray hairs, it gets into your mouth… the loose dead hair you have to pull out of your mouth.. ‘wait one sec, i got something… there… okay back to work”…

      Trimming, or shaving, some kind of grooming at least to me, is just being polite to the person you are asking to give you pleasure.

      • aerialism

        The difference is that if a guy is unshaven or untrimmed, the girl is usually suspected to go down on the guy, but if the situation is reversed now it’s just too disgusting to possibly do.

        • Sara H.

          I prefer not going down on EITHER sex when they haven’t at least done a bit of landscaping. Nothing is worse than choking on pubes, seriously.

          • http://twitter.com/holespider Kenna

            I’m with you on the horrors of choking on pubes.

  • emilybemily

    these poor estheticians just keep getting more and more outrageous shit thrown at them. imagine getting to work and being like, “SERIOUSLY? we offer THIS now?”

    that said, this is ridic and makes my vag clench up and cry.

  • Sara H.

    You know what? I started shaving my vulva because a man told me that it looks nicer and feels better. I mean come on, who wants to pick little short and curlies out of their mouths? Seriously, though, yeah I may have started it because of dudes and I thought it would be sexier that way. But I continue to shave because I CAN’T STAND THE FEELING OF HAIR DOWN THERE. I’ve tried to let it grow, and I think I made it to a week once before shaving it off.

    Now that said, if I could manage to grow it and just keep it trimmed (so they didn’t get long and curly), and my girlfriend did the same? That would be cool with me. You know, if/when I get a girlfriend. Someday. Whenever. Whatever she did with her vajajay would be totes fine with me, because it’s a privilege to have access to that area on someone. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Elford/714525520 Jennifer Elford

    ‘Lightening cream’?!?! I’m sorry, I’m not a child, and if you want me to look like one, we have an issue. I shave because I am not a fan of prickly body hair, so the in between-y stage of growing it out SUCKS. But for the love of glob, keep that bleach AWAY from my vajay!

  • aerialism

    Pretty sure acne isn’t a problem down there. Why is this even a thing?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1358074093 Chris Allen

    I have yet to see an ugly vulva. They’re beautiful, and they come in all kinds of variety. Lots of hair *could* be an issue (cue dental floss joke), but the reality is, if you do normal cleaning in the shower on a regular basis, that tends to get rid of most loose hairs. If it’s a problem, a quick scrub with a damp/wet washcloth and then good rub dry with a towel over the *hairy* parts (not the inner, delicate lips) just before sex, helps get rid of any stray hairs that came loose since your morning or nighttime shower. Heck, you could even follow that with combing it for additional loose-hair removal, if you feel the need to. :D

    Also, if you’re coochie is stinky (not talking the wonderful natural smells your body makes, but really stinky with a rank or fishy smell) it’s usually one of two things: either you had sex the night before and didn’t wash afterwards (which a shower fixes), OR you have an infection of some type. If a wash doesn’t clear up the smell, or if it keeps coming back a few hours after you shower, see a doctor. Some infections will go away on their own, but others won’t—and some are life-threatening. NOTE: if you have an infection, it’s usually from a partner, so they need to see a doctor, too. It doesn’t help if you’re on meds to clear it up and they keep re-infecting you.

    As for hair/no hair/trim/etc., do whatever makes you feel good and feel comfortable. Bleaches? That’s almost the same as putting bleaching products in your eyes to make them lighter—geez. One can lose you your vision; the other can lose you sensitivity and pleasure in your lady bits. If you want to turn your lady parts into a “purty” trophy that sits on a shelf and gathers dust, be my guest… but first, you might want to stop and think about what that bleaching is doing to your future sex-drive and enjoyment. And you DO deserve to have enjoyment, by the way. :)

  • Chick

    I don’t mind the fashion, hairy, not hairy, it really doesn’t make a difference, BUT I have heard (and I don’t know how true this is) that crabs are pretty hard to catch these days because so many people are getting rid of the hair down there, so, that’s a plus, right?

  • http://twitter.com/beepghost ☆ Lisa

    Labia Dye? and using a pin-up girl to promote it? That is disgusting. any man that actually thinks this is a good idea will never have the privilege of ever viewing my vagina. assholes.

  • http://twitter.com/holespider Kenna

    Why would I possibly NOT want freckles down there? That’d be so cute.

    • Medb

      yep. Vag-freckles sound like the most adorable thing ever.

      • http://twitter.com/holespider Kenna

        well
        to me, anyway

  • Hairy man balls

    maybe the person just likes to feel fresh…hairy genitals can smell like cheese.

  • Zeinah

    The lightening cream thing pisses me off, but the rest actually sounds awesome. I have acne problems all over and having my vulva be smooth would make *me* more comfortable. Doing this for partners if you feel unhappy or meh about it seems awful though.

  • Whit

    I only shave the hair that sticks out of my bathing suit. I am lucky to be with someone that doesn’t care either way what state my public hair is in. Its really refreshing to not have to deal with the growing-in itch as much. It makes me feel like I can just be a respected person versus an “employee”, not having to feel self conscious about having body hair. I wish more women could experience it.

    I feel like if you are eating pubes, you are probably a messy pussy eater (think really fake looking porn). I don’t know about other girls, but that is the opposite of what I am looking for in the bedroom.