As a Londoner born and bred, I’m accustomed to hearing negative chatter about the Queen. My fellow countrymen tell me that she doesn’t really love her corgis, and only keeps them around so she can blame her farts on them. They tell me that the upkeep of the royal family is a horrific waste of taxpayers’ money. They even tell me that she hated Princess D, of whom I have a picture of hanging up in my toilet. It seems that the only people that still truly love the royal family are either retired or active members of the BNP.

But despite all of this, when I saw Queen Liz at the Olympic opening ceremony, scowling heinously at the little people below, my heart skipped a beat. No, not because I fancy the small and elderly, you filthy minded individual.

What got me all flustered was her dusky pink dress. I’m no royalist, but I’m a big believer in making the best of a bad situation. Despite having an outrageously racist husband and a son who hopes to be reincarnated as a tampon, Queen Elizabeth always looks like she’s on top of things. She’s never been papped leaving the palace in a Juicy Couture tracksuit with a fag in her hand. She is yet to have a brandy-induced breakdown during dinner with the Prime Minister. Instead she keeps her mouth shut and lets her outfits do all the talking.

So today I’m paying homage to the Queen’s wardrobe. I’ve had quite enough of reading about her granddaughter-in-law. Ooh, she bought a dress that cost less than a grand? Unless it’s a glow-in-the-dark latex number, I don’t care. It’s the Queen’s clothes that get me all excited, what with their shameless extravagance and grandiose charm. In fact, I’ve decided that what would really cheer Britain up in these times of austerity is if we all started dressing like the Queen. In some ways, this could help bridge up the metaphysical gap that lies between the monarchy and the commoners. If the proletariat would simply swap their denim for pastel twinsets, perhaps they could finally rise up and overcome their oppressors!

Apologies for the rambling, I’ve been sampling G and Ts all day. I’d hoped that they would help me get into the Queen’s mindset but instead they’ve made me come over all communist.  I’ll leave you to have a nosey about my top 5 tips on how to dress like the Queen whilst I go and sober up.

1)      Be colourful. When the Queen was a young gal, black was only suitable to wear whilst in mourning. Nowadays the youth wear it to express their constant existential pain (plus for its slimming power). Get yourself noticed by replacing drab colours with royal blues, dusky lilacs and zesty lemons.

2)      Match your separates. In what foolish world did it become the norm to match your underwear, but not your outer-garments? I bet the Queen doesn’t give two hoots about her knickers being the same colour as her bra, what with it being a spectacle that only Philip is privy to. Start buying blouses that match your skirts. This will mean that you never have to worry about whether two colours go together ever again. Of course they go together, they’re identical!

3)      Collect hats and gloves. The Queen doesn’t just wear these items for their aesthetic appeal. England is a chilly place, and one shouldn’t have to compromise ones warmth for the sake of style. Also, shaking hands with people can be very unpleasant if they have sweaty palms, as well as being unhygienic. The regular wearing of gloves banishes both of these problems.

4)      Accessorize. Seeing the Queen without her jewellery is as shocking as seeing her in the nude.
If you invest in only one item, make it a pearl necklace. Four strands of pearls will make you look uptight, but one strand will give people the impression that you are a common hussy. Opt for two or three to be safe.

5)      Dress modestly. It is simply not done for a royal to flash her lady garden to all and sundry. However, do not assume that you can’t still be sexy. By keeping your cleavage under wraps, you’ll succeed in driving the crowds wild with a mere flash of bare ankle. Allow your raw sexual allure to radiate from your Queenly smile.

Is the Queen of England your fashion icon? Are you going to build your fall wardrobe around these rules? Join in on the discussion in the comments!

Written by Phoebe Eccles