The sun has despondently kissed us goodbye and now we are forced to work like minions yet again. Stationary must be purchased and freedom must be mourned. Our little feet must run as fast as they possibly can in order to make it to that work shift or university lecture. I’ve just about managed to get into the office (otherwise known as my mother’s sofa) on time, and am now typing this up with the gusto of a wind turbine. You, on the other hand, have just stepped in a puddle and can no longer travel due to the squelchiness in between your toes. Why must such misfortune befall you and not I? Because you’ve forgotten to buy your autumn boots, you imbecile! Oh, don’t sit down in the puddle and cry. It will only make you soggier. Instead of pointing and cackling, I’m going to help you through this difficult time. You might say that I am the towel you use to dry your tootsies. I am the insole for when your shoe doesn’t fit, and the bleach for when your white sock turns grey. I’m the glue you use when your heel snaps off. Perhaps I overindulge in foot metaphors, but that’s just me down to my heart and sole. Sorry, that was terrible. Let’s leave the puns to the experts and get on with finding you a dapper pair of boots!

The Horrifically High Boot

I don’t believe in fashion rules. Socks and sandals are functional as well as fashionable, and I will continue to wear orange despite being ginger. I do, however, have one private dogma that I stick to when shopping: never buy anything that could double up as a murder weapon. This means that I will not be buying stiletto-heeled boot, no matter how many times they’ve appeared on recent catwalks. But if you’ve got a cheeky fondness for S and M, and like to combine self flagellation with fashion, then by all means invest in such impractical footwear. Because this article is about boots rather than shoes, I expect your stiletto to be attached to something sturdy with laces, such as the Jason Wu boot pictured. A good choice for all those who want to fashion-up an outfit without submitting to the humiliation of wackier trends. 

The Reliable Ankle Boot

There’s no denying that Chelsea boots go with everything, but I‘m still reluctant to buy a pair. It could be because horses evoke fear in my belly. It could also be because Chelsea is a crap part of London. Mainly it’s because the trend has gone on for far too long and I keep expecting it to wither and die. Unfortunately, my judgment has been hazy, as the Chelsea boot remains a staple of many peoples wardrobes. Like all species that refuse to die out, it has undergone some evolutionary changes. Instead of being obstinately flat, you can now buy them with a block heel. If you don’t care about stupid block heels, then avoid the Chelsea boot completely and buy a short cowboy boot instead. The pictured boot is by Miu Miu, but they can be found at vintage shops or Topshop, and successfully transform your mundane image into that of a lasso swinging hat holding sensation.

The Masculine Boot

I know brogues aren’t technically boots, but they are sensible sturdy autumn shoes so I’m including them in this article anyway. Many women fear that masculine-looking shoes will encourage their feet to drink pints of lager and wolf-whistle at passer-bys. Unless your feet are the Mitchell brothers, I wouldn’t worry about this happening.  I don’t really get why people go to such painstaking efforts to make their feet look sexy. Feet are just giant, dry webbed hands, and there’s nothing attractive about that description. Nevertheless, if you refuse to listen to my sensible reasoning, then fall back on  yawn-evoking habits and don yet another bloody heel. High-heeled brogues are a bit 2011, so go for a heeled loafer, like this boot from Reed Krakoff. The flat loafer has been really overdone on the high street, so be sure to avoid those. They won’t protect your feet from puddles. Encase your tootsies in leather and revel in the joys of sensible footwear.

What kind of boots do you plan on wearing this season? Which do you just hate? Share with us in the comments!

Written by Phoebe Eccles

Header image courtesy of Karl Escritt; all others from net-a-porter.com