Being constantly mistaken for just a pretty face can be exhausting. Just because I chase after everything stylish and shallow doesn’t mean that I don’t have any cultural interests. I enjoy nothing more than wandering around an art gallery on a lazy weekend morning, breathing in the musty scent of oil paint and anguished genius. Sometimes I spend a whole day sitting in front of just one painting. When someone passes me by, I whisper loudly “What a fine example of the Kantian sublime!”, and then wipe an imaginary tear from my eye.
Originally I was going to write about my personal theory of aesthetics, but you’d have to have a Masters in both Philosophy and Art History to even vaguely grasp the general idea. Instead you’ll have to settle on a basic paint-inspired fashion lesson. Hold on to your beret, we’re about to get artsy!
When you love fashion as much as I do, you stop being afraid of thinking outside the (paint) box. That’s why I’m suggesting that we take style tips from a 16th century bearded man. After all, he is wearing a dress. The first thing that catches my eye about this outfit is the amount of skin on display. By displaying the legs but not the arms, Thomas strikes the perfect balance between sensual and classy. Fake tan would have improved the overall look, but perhaps the painter had limited supplies of orange paint. The drop waist keeps things interesting, as does the handbag shaped as a shield. I wouldn’t, however, bother with the giant stick. Carrying around a phallic symbol suggests deep insecurities (just call me Ms Freud). The most refreshing thing about Thomas Lee is that he is casual and barefoot. But apparently this is just the artist’s way of making a mockery of him. Cruel when he’s already so pasty and pointy-bearded. He’s even been deprived of a decent pair of eyebrows.
The painter is painting the girl in white, but then the girl in white is drawing the painter, and then I drew this on a school trip whilst also wearing white… Cripes, it’s like I’m being forced to sit through Inception all over again. Let’s focus on the dress, shall we? There is nothing more elegant than wrapping yourself in your bed sheet with a pink ribbon tied at the waist to keep it all together. Not only is it easier than boiling an egg, but it also gives you a whimsical Grecian look that is to die for. Nowadays fashion is so complicated, what with the weird heel-less shoes and campaigns against fur coats. Whatever happened to inoffensive, feminine simplicity? Allow your curls to cascade around your face and sit by a window for awhile, I promise you’ll have a wild time.
This is one of Klimt’s few works that isn’t all naughty and pornographic, and I expect even the biggest Philistine to recognise it.
Now I don’t know if gold is a big colour for autumn/winter, and frankly I don’t care. It’s beautiful and you should smother yourself in it. You should also roll around in flowers until they attach themselves to your clothes. If you aren’t keen on either of these ideas, then simply fall in love and allow yourself to be kissed whilst wearing a fabulous veil. I also advise dying your hair ginger to ensure that everything goes as smoothly as possibly.
If you feel as if comprehensive reality is crumbling beneath your eyes, it’s because we’ve entered abstractionism. I don’t want to bore you with my opinion of modern art, so I’ll just quickly say that it’s all a load of puerile pretentious crap. Nevertheless, there’s nothing like obscure geometric shapes and a few random colours to inspire an outfit. Instead of buying something that emphasises your waist, experiment with form and wear something previously unthinkable. You might end up looking like a pale imitation of the post-modern, but that’s just a risk that the modern girl must face.
Now you’ve got four art inspired outfits sorted out, it’s time to strip them all off and learn how to be naked. Yes, I know you just had a shower (you smell great), but when’s the last time you were just nudey for the sake of it? The only time I see women in the bare is when I go to the corner shop for a chocolate bar and catch a glimpse of the top shelf. I’m starting to think that all ordinary looking women are secretly concealing a pair of fake basoomas and a painful Brazilian under their clothes.
Most artists don’t paint with the intention of turning on lecherous old men. Instead, they try and make something beautiful. They don’t always get it right (I’m talking to you, Damien Hirst) but when they do, it’s simply magical. Take a look at Modigliani’s nude. Take delight in her full hips and pubic hair. Take a lesson from her, and display your body with pride.
Which works of art get your fashionable juices flowing? What about films, books, or music? Leave us a comment and share!
Written by Phoebe Eccles