Depression Rules My Life And Why I’m Scared Of Getting Better

Depression is a four-letter word. Despite its prevalence, it seems to be one of those things that just isn’t talked about – and when it is, it’s in success stories where a beautiful and successful woman tells you how she cured herself with holistic methods, talk therapy, some wonder drug, or sheer willpower. Nothing ever really gets said about those people who struggle with depression, day in day out, without seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Hi, I am one of those people.

I can’t remember when my depression began, or whether there was some kind of trigger for it. I either have a laughably bad memory, or I’ve blocked it out; either of those things could be the case. All I know is that I can’t remember feeling “normal.” I self-harmed as a young teen, and at fourteen-years-old I was prescribed Fluoxetine, which I refused to take. I thought that the way I felt was just who I was, something ingrained so deep into me that the medication was unnecessary, and would probably be ineffective. The five years since then have gone by in a bit of a blur. I did well throughout school and had (still have, actually) a great group of friends. I went on holidays, aced my exams, went to festivals, got drunk, messed around, and had – by all accounts – a normal teenager’s life, but something was always off.

In September of 2010, I went to university. I was terrified, but that seemed completely normal, and I was told – reassured, repeatedly – that I would settle in, make friends, feel at home. When I complained that I didn’t fit in with everyone, that I didn’t want to be there anymore, my mum told me to stick it out until Christmas. So I tried. I ended up alone in my dorm room most days and nights, not attending lectures, and my then-dormant bulimic tendencies spiralled out of control. I dropped out in November and told myself that the reason I had been so miserable was because that particular uni wasn’t a good fit for me. It wasn’t until I came home and still felt hopeless, months later, that I decided to go to the doctor and tell them that I thought my depression had re-surfaced. After a quick assessment, I got put on Citalopram and sent on my way.

October of 2011 marked my second try at university, and I loved it instantly. The place was beautiful, the course was interesting, and I finally felt at home. I’ve always been an introvert, and that’s something I firmly believe is entrenched in me; it’s never going to change, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing in itself. But introversion slowly transformed into social anxiety, and even though I made friends in the first few weeks, I found it increasingly harder to make or keep plans with them. People would invite me to parties, to town, to nights out, and I’d make excuses to stay at home alone because the thought of socialising made me feel ill.

Eventually that anxiety spread to other facets of my life; I’d miss days at my volunteer job, meetings with my academic supervisor, and even prepatory examinations. By this point, my sleeping pattern resembled that of a bat (7am-4pm, roughly) and I made it to very few of my lectures. At its worst, my attendance was hovering around 30%, and there was a time during the winter where I didn’t see sunlight for two weeks. I binged during the nighttime hours as a kind of messed up method of self-soothing (whose bright idea was it to put a vending machine outside my dorm room?). I decided to switch medications, because mine obviously wasn’t doing a great job – but it didn’t get better. My supervisor put me in touch with a campus therapist, with whom I had a few sessions, but I didn’t get much out of it (and I freaked out and left when she suggested I attend a group ED support meeting – what can I say, I’m bad at this stuff). I switched meds again (and the doctor gave me a look and told me that I’d gone through quite a few different ones recently), but that didn’t make a difference, either.

Fast forward to the past few weeks; summer vacation. I’ve seen my friends maybe four or five times in the two months I’ve been home. My sleeping pattern is still as bad as ever, and it’s causing some pretty bad tension in my family, but I can’t get prescribed pills for it because I’m too young. I’m still binge eating, and my teeth feel messed up from all the acidity I’ve thrusted upon them, but my GP told me that my BMI was too high for them to help. I felt like I had nowhere left to turn.

A few days ago, I found a website for mental health services in my area that specialise in anxiety and depression. They offer CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), which sounds like something I could benefit greatly from. There’s a phone number. I should call it. But, if I’m honest, I’m putting it off. I’m tired of going down avenue after avenue to end up right back at square one, and (this is difficult and shameful to admit), I’m scared of getting better. I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember, and I don’t know who I am without these issues. They’re like a fucked-up safety blanket for me; I don’t need to deal with real life, because I can hermit myself away and pretend that nothing is going on around me.

I would hazard a guess that I’m not the only person who has felt this way, but it’s never talked about. So here I am, talking about it. I am not a success story.

If you have ever felt this way, share with me. I’ll be reading and replying to comments below.

Written by Kaya Green
Find her on her personal blog, floralinguist.com.

Chazza

While I can’t related to the ED side of things, I definitely can with the depression, even been on Citalopram!
I have felt the same, depression since I was 13 meant that I felt like it was just my personality that was this way, and without depression I wouldn’t be me, and it was definitely a safety blanket because I couldn’t imagine life any other way.
I’m in recovery now, and I can’t imagine life being that depressed ever again.
Depression is not a personality or anything remotely helpful for you. Life without it is this amazing joyful thing. Before by being as fucked up as I was, I was missing out on so much. Without trying to sound conceited, now I’m a fantastic person to be around, at least better than I was before. My depression wasn’t just something that I suffered through, everyone around me suffered as well. Everyone has noted the change. I’m the same person as I was before, but now I’m just happy! I’d definitely go for the CBT, you can do this x
- http://www.floralinguist.com/ Kaya
  
  “My depression wasn’t just something that I suffered through, everyone around me suffered as well”
  
  I can relate to this, but I wish I didn’t! It’s an awful thing for everyone in your life, and it sucks. I’m so glad you’ve been able to work through it. Thank you for your kind words! <3
Nikki

I met someone who I liked this year. We are just friends right now, but we connected immediately and we both liked each other before we parted ways for the summer. What meant the most to me was that he said all of the things I had never voiced aloud to anyone, not to myself, not to my family, and not to my ex-boyfriend of three years (who I basically told everything). He said he was afraid to get better because who would he be without all of his issues? I cried after he said this because that has been what has blocked me the most from getting better. I don’t feel like I deserve to get better and I am terrified to be someone else without all of these issues. While they are terrible and I have gone through really bad events, I feel enlightened to other people’s issues and strive to study and get a job in social work to help people with similar experiences to my own. I am afraid if I get better that I will lose this insight.
- http://www.floralinguist.com/ Kaya
  
  I don’t think you’ll lose your insight at all — I don’t think you have to be continually going through something like that in order for your experiences to be valid, or for you to draw on them. I love that it’s inspired a drive in you to help people; I hope you go far. Thank you for writing this comment xo
R

I remember being eight and wanting to kill myself. It never got better. My university experience was partly the same as yours, and the other half was going out too much. Binge drinking, making out with complete strangers just to feel validated in myself. I have terrible impulse control and when I was depressed really struggled with controlling my actions. It wasn’t a packet of crisps, it was twelve. It wasn’t a couple of drinks, it was a bottle of whiskey. Things only got better after I had a breakdown last year and I realised that I really had to take a step back and evaluate the direction I was taking myself in. It’s difficult, that’s what people don’t understand. That once you get put on pills, the trouble doesn’t automatically stop. Depression is a part of you and it takes constant work to keep on top of it, to not let it rule your life. I’ve “been better” and then relapsed almost yearly over the last more-than-a-decade. I guess the most important thing I’ve learnt through taking steps to try to change the way I think and react to things is to not feel ashamed of myself. I try to be honest and not guilt myself into “putting on a brave face”, because it just leads to me hating myself. It takes so much effort to decide to “change”, when the possibility of failure seems so inevitable. It’s worth the risk though… And I am determined to not feel silenced or embarrassed of a part of me that I honestly feel I was born with <3
- http://www.floralinguist.com/ Kaya
  
  I think taking steps to not be embarrassed or ashamed is a huge thing, and a very good one. Good luck with everything. You’re stronger than you think <3
http://www.facebook.com/alisha.meschkow Alisha Meschkow

Thank you for writing this, Kaya. It’s beautiful, as are you.
- http://www.floralinguist.com/ Kaya
  
  Thank you so much :’)
Annelise

This is a very powerful narrative, so thank you for sharing. I, too, had depression symptoms that just seemed to pop up at 13/14. It came at the same time as puberty and my parent’s divorce, so doctors and therapists never knew quite what to make of it. High school was filled with anxiety and panic attacks, as well as huge lows of depression. College was filled with depression along with a new hell- something I now know as hypomania. So now I’m bipolar.

I think one of the hardest things is having to go through high school and college- what people call the ‘best years of your life’- feeling so sick and left out. I felt like I was the only person who would get so anxious that they had to leave the party and sit in my room alone to watch west wing. I felt like the only person who has had to drop classes and take incompletes because there are weeks at a time when I can’t bring myself to go to class without crying at the thought.

But here’s the catch- statistically, there are SO MANY OF US who are going through these issues. Another catch? that the isolation that so many of us feel is only making us sicker. I wish that I was less sick right now so that I could spend more timing working on campus outreach for mental health issues.

We need hugs, love, and companionship… but also understanding and support from each other. These ARE NOT the best years of my life, but hopefully through all of this hell I will learn enough lessons to make the rest of my life a little better.
- http://www.floralinguist.com/ Kaya
  
  “I felt like I was the only person who would get so anxious that they had to leave the party and sit in my room alone to watch west wing. I felt like the only person who has had to drop classes and take incompletes because there are weeks at a time when I can’t bring myself to go to class without crying at the thought.”
  
  Blerghh, this is absolutely me. It’s simultaneously really upsetting and a huge relief that there are so many people going through the same thing. Take care of you. xo
http://www.facebook.com/marlenaraec Marlena Carcone

This is unbelievably beautiful and touching, Kaya. I feel the same way a lot of the time.
- http://www.floralinguist.com/ Kaya
  
  Thank you so much. I’m sorry you’re feeling it too. <3
A.

I’m not going to go into details. My story isn’t as long or as dramatic as yours, and i’ve no claim to expertise, but i too struggled with depression and bullemia and some drug problems last year. i hid it well enough that no one diagnosed me with anything or gave me any meds, but i had some pretty bad self hate. The only reason i can put those verbs in the past tense? God. Redemption and forgiveness and the unconditional love of Jesus. I hope this doesn’t make you mad- i just want to share the ONLY one that ever helped me, when my family and friends couldn’t. He set me free from that darkness. Please please please see if you can’t find a church or minister to talk to. just give it a try.
Anonymous

I think trying CBT is worthwhile and it is a really good (and kind of interesting) tool you can apply in your daily life. It’s not a magic bullet though, it’s a way to help you cope with negative emotions and thoughts, but there is a fairly high rate of relapse and, in my experience, not a good long-term solution, at least not by itself. The only way I’ve progressed with my mental health is through a combination of lots of different strategies. Kind of like having a whole recovery tool box, if that makes sense. Even then though, I haven’t found an answer or an infallible combination of answers. I still struggle most days.
lianeandthemusic

Thank you for this. I’m not a success story either. I keep hoping things will just get better, and sometimes they do for a week or two, and then I’m back where I started. I’m tired of feeling like crap all the time, but there doesn’t seem to be any way out. And besides, even if there was, I’d have to cultivate an entirely new identity and that just seems like a lot of work. It’s exhausting, this life.
Jen

I haven’t been really happy about myself and my life for some years now. I’ve dated a lot of guys who were never the right one for me but as long as I had a guy, I was a little happier. I finally met the guy of my dreams who was so perfect for me. It was a great until one day I wanted more fomit he couldn’t give me that. So it all feelll apart along with a couple other things in my life that made me go into a downward spiral. I’m on antidssants which are not helping and I haven’t been able to see a GP yet. I’m also losing some of my friends because they are moving on with their lives getting married or having babies. I don’t really have anyone to go out with and live my life outside of my bubble. Which makes me even more depressed because I feel stuck. Then when they do invite me out I make excuses which makes me think of have social anxiety along with my regular anxiety issues. I feel lost…
Dan

I came across this post in a spontaneous random internet search at 03.54am. My interest was caught, and by the time I’d read the article, I felt so nostalgic I could barely stand it. It sounded like I’d written it. It was only a few months ago that I actually realized (I know that sounds stupid) that I have been seriously depressed for several years. When I think about it and I’m honest with myself, I also am scared of succeeding. Sounds silly even as I type it, but I know it must be true. The day it finally hit me, I felt like I’d just woken from a really bad dream to find out I was still dreaming. At the end of the day, I’m the only one with the ability to change anything, so wish me luck, and I sincerely hope that you find your own happy place

Signed,

A passer by
Kate

Hi. I am fourteen and on Fluroxitene. I know how it feels to look into you future and see nothing. I wish it wasn’t this way, but at the same time, I can’t bear the thought of getting out. I am afraid of dying. I don’t want to hurt my family, and I wish that they didn’t have to live with me too. But I gotta trust that this is for a reason. I know it is. I know God means all things, (yes, all things) for good. Just because I can’t see it doesn’t mean there isn’t a reason, a purpose, that far outweighs the hardship. I’ll be so happy, ( truly happy) when He has finished with me:)
Jay

I have had bipolar since I was 11 years ago. I am now a 34 year old woman. I don’t remember my teenage years from 14-19 years old. I am told I spent most of my time in my bedroom staring at the wall. I just ate junk food and went from a Size 10 to Size 18 and back down to size 12 leaving me with horrible stretch marks on my bum, thighs and legs. I am unable to have a sexual relationship with a man because I cannot stay stable enough to even get to that point. I do have friends but only two of them know about my bipolar. My best friend supports me and knows when I need to be left alone, I have to lie to her about how bad I am most of the time because I don’t want her to worry about me (which she does when I’m at my worse). I can’t talk to anyone about it. I have trouble holding down a job and change jobs every year. I don’t let people in and have some many walls built up around me that no one really knows me. And yet as Kaya Green says:

‘I’m scared of getting better. I’ve felt like this for
as long as I can remember, and I don’t know who I am without these
issues. They’re like a fucked-up safety blanket for me; I don’t need to
deal with real life, because I can hermit myself away and pretend that
nothing is going on around me.’

I don’t know what ‘normal’ is, and I don’t want to get better because ‘normal’ scares me to death. You see, when I am in a manic state I am at my most creative.I am an intelligent, highly qualified person with letters after my name from all my academic successes.

I want to stop the self-hatred, the self-harming, the suicide attempts. I want to meet a man, settle down and have a ‘normal’ relationship, but I can’t. I am frightened of ‘normal’. I am not a success story.
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sarah_m_g

In the past 4.5 months (4 of the 4.5 were spent in residential treatment) this is something I’ve really been working on. I’ve had a variety of self-destructive behaviors in my life (self-harm, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, sleeping with guys I don’t care about, a whole variety of eating disorder behaviors, horribly negative self-talk). I’ve been depressed for more years than I’ve been happy–actually I hesitate to say that I’ve ever been happy for more than a few hours at a time. Depression and self-destruction had become my identity. I was the crazy girl, the fuck up, the one who always had a “good story”. People did things for me because I “wasn’t capable” and was fragile. People didn’t expect much from me. *I* didn’t expect much from me. It gave me an excuse for not going after the dreams I say I have (to pursue a masters degree in counseling psych so that I may become a Licensed Professional Counselor). I did not want to let go of all of that. I thought that without the self-destruction, I would be a pretty boring person and that I had very little to offer anyone.

And I’m pretty sure, this has been one of the hardest parts of trying to recover (from depression, from an eating disorder, from my other diagnoses). . .trying to figure out a healthy sense of identity and remembering that i am, in fact, capable of doing things, that I have aspects of my personality that have been overshadowed by depression/self-destruction–and people like that part of me!

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that in the past 7 months, things have gotten better.
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Andrea

I’ve struggled with my depression since I was 13, and after I started University it became ten times worse, in every way. After months I finally contacted the counseling center. I’m only on my third session and they want me to make an appointment with the medication counselor but I’m not too sure how this is going to play out. If it will work or if I even want it to work. Some days I want to get better, but if I’m being honest, most days I don’t.
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Justagirl

I’ve been seeing a therapist since october to help with my cutting problem that began that year. It wasn’t until recently that my therapist though it was best for me to withdraw from school this semester to focus on getting “better.” She referred me to a psychologist, and I just started taking my meds today. It’s been a year of absolute hell, with cutting, depression, and passive suicidal ideation. But part of me doesn’t want to get better, Im scared of getting better. Maybe because I wont have an excuse not to face the real world, maybe I’m scared of failure. Whatever the reason, I feel like I’m constantly fighting the sick part of me with the rational part. Sometimes I’m scared that my sick part might win too.
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Will

NAILED IT! This is totally how I feel
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justme<3

Last year my brother almost committed suicide. I started getting depressed, little by little. My summer was living hell. I cried myself to sleep every single night, starved myself, and started to cut. Now I still cut, starve myself, and burst out in tears whenever I’m alone, and suffer from depression, but I myself have attempted suicide three times, and still have suicidal thoughts all the time. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT SUICIDE IS LIKE DOMINOES. If you commit/attempt suicide, your child, parent, sibling, friend, or partner might just do the same. IT IS A CHAIN UNABLE TO BE BROKEN. I only post this because I care. About you.
justme<3

Last year my brother almost committed suicide. I started getting depressed, little by little. My summer was living hell. I cried myself to sleep every single night, starved myself, and started to cut. Now I still cut, starve myself, and burst out in tears whenever I’m alone, and suffer from depression, but I myself have attempted suicide three times, and still have suicidal thoughts all the time. I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT SUICIDE IS LIKE DOMINOES. If you commit/attempt suicide, your child, parent, sibling, friend, or partner might just do the same. IT IS A CHAIN UNABLE TO BE BROKEN. I only post this because I care. About you.