Considering The Age-Old Question, Who Pays For Dinner?

There are times I wish that discussions that take place between the Feminspire staff members were made public to you guys — you would see that not every person’s brand of feminism is the same, and you would get a feel for our unique personalities outside of this interwebz “newsroom.”

Then we say something silly, joking, ridiculous, or otherwise too inappropriate to be shared, and I’m glad our staff discussions are safe from prying eyes.

Anyway, to the topic at hand, and it is ALWAYS at hand: who the heck is footing the bill? I don’t care WHO you’re dating, it’s on your mind.

Recently I went out with a stellar guy (second date), and we discussed who would be paying for dinner. I’ve always been the type to “go Dutch” on absolutely everything unless it was someone’s birthday or some other celebration (“Yay, you got the job!”).

He knows my hours at work are very limited and said it would make him feel “scummy” to let me pay for my own dinner. I agreed to let him pay. He’s been breaking all my rules (he also opens doors, initiates hand-holding, and waits until the end of the first date for kisses), and for some reason I can’t seem to get enough.

So that brings up a question… is financial equality the only way to a totally equal relationship? One staffer brought up the point that one partner can make more money than the other partner, which is totally valid, and one of the issues at play in this fledgling “thing” that my date and I have been enjoying (too soon to call it a relationship, too exciting to call it a fling!).

I’m the kind of woman who has spent half an hour outside my high school library, standing outside a door because a male friend is trying to hold it open for me. Neither of us would budge (we’re both still pretty stubborn), and this would happen once or twice a week. Suffice to say, neither of us had anything productive to be doing that hour.

So for me to allow a man to pick up the tab (which, admittedly, has happened before, but only on dates when I felt too timid to speak up)… it’s uncomfortable, awkward and new.

In a way, I sort of like it. I’ve always hated the idea of chivalry — the idea that women required certain treatment of men. I still hate the idea. But I had a friend tell me, when I was with my ex, “If he wants to buy you that damn Coach purse, let him.”

So I’ve slowly eased up on my “rules.” I backed off, and I’m still backing off. But only on the condition that “he” — whomever “he” may be — eases up as well. If I want to open the door for him or if I want to buy dinner, I want him to let me.

I don’t want there to be this idea that I can’t contribute to an equal and healthy relationship. I want to be on the giving as well as the receiving end of respect and love, in all aspects of things.

I’m really excited to see where things go with this new guy. When I told him I wanted to pay for my own dinner, his response (after a bit of thoughtful discussion) was, “I asked you out. When you ask me out, you can pay.”

He beat me to asking for date three, but you can bet that I’ll be the one to ask for date four.

How do you feel about letting your significant other or whatever person you’re seeing foot the bill? What do you think of “chivalry”? Share with me in the comments below!

Written by Becky Havens

Chaz

See, I like other people paying for me. It’s less of a sex issue though because it’s regardless of gender. I’m just cheap, ha.
- http://www.facebook.com/alisse.desrosiers Alisse Marie
  
  Haha exactly how I feel. Oh, you want to go out to dinner? … you paying?
  
  But in all seriousness, my partner and I typically just split the bill in half. That way neither of us is spending a ridiculous amount.
- http://www.facebook.com/rhiannonmarypayne Rhiannon Payne
  
  Exactly this. Haha.
http://www.facebook.com/rhiannonmarypayne Rhiannon Payne

One strange thing that might be worth bringing up: I used to live with my boyfriend, and two older males I talked to (my boss and my uncle) were both shocked that he made me pay part of the rent (he didn’t even make me pay an equal share, I paid a fraction of what he was since he was making much more money than me). And my boss went as far as to tell me that he “didn’t actually love me” if he was making me pay to live with him. I’m thinking… he’s not my father, why should he be responsible for supporting my living situation?
- http://www.facebook.com/alisse.desrosiers Alisse Marie
  
  Wow, really? That’s so odd to me. My partner and I split everything–rent, utilities, cable and internet–in half unless I have a particularly small paycheck. I never realized that would be strange to some people.
http://www.facebook.com/marlenaraec Marlena Carcone

My girlfriend is the type who really loves paying for dates, so sometimes I let them, and sometimes we go dutch. I feel kind of bad that I’ve never totally treated them, but we haven’t been going out that long, so I’m sure I will soon. It’s a tricky thing, though.
Lillian

I agree that there should just be a standard rule where whoever does the asking out should be expected to pay. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and we usually go dutch. Or alternate paying for each other (Works for me!).
But a couple years ago, this guy asked me out to dinner and I said yes. A day before the date, he called me to ask if I could pay for myself. I can’t explain it properly, but I was kind of embarrassed and disappointed. I didn’t even mind paying for my own dinner but the fact that he asked me to just made me feel uncomfortable. And for a while I would debate with myself over who should pay. And I recently came to the conclusion that I shouldn’t give a fuck. People should just do whatever they’re comfortable with.
And I loved your tidbit on waiting outside the library for half an hour. That just reminded me of junio high P.E. when my teacher had us play kickball where the guys were pitched the ball and girls could just have the ball in front of them. I refused to play. Hahahah good times.
http://twitter.com/themodernmartha Kelsey Reddick

Xavier and I split everything 50/50, rent, groceries, food… but every now and then he offers to foot the bill. It’s infrequent enough that it’s always special when he offers.
Jamie

I’m not the type to expect or ask for expensive gifts or dinners, but I’ve always thought it was romantic and manly for my boyfriend (now my husband) to pay. When we first met, I asked him if he wanted me to chip in, he was a little annoyed, and I learned he liked to pay for his lady’s meals. I wasn’t used to it, but I’m glad I didn’t insist. His ex was always contradicting him and wouldn’t even let him open doors for her. I can afford my meals, always have, but his generosity and chivalry really impressed me and won me over. He likes to feel like the “guy” of the relationship, and paying for me, and doing other gentleman-like things for me are part of that. I could never imagine him and me, doing some silly calculations over a bill during our romantic dinners. How awkward would that be. Some traditional things are just necessary in romantic relationships and dating. Men and women are not the same, we’re both valuable, but we don’t need to treat a man like a “girlfriend” in order to feel assertive and in control.