Let me start off by saying: I love safe sex. I talk about it all the time. The number of impromptu condom demonstrations, birth control discussions, and random sex talks I’ve had with people is a little ridiculous. I wrote my thesis on sex education. Safe sex and I are tight.
(Trigger warning for mention of rape.)
Which is why it makes me want to scream when all I hear about is how to have safe hetero-sex.
Do you think that only straight people have sex?
What do you think sex is? No, really, I want you to define sex for me right now.
If your definition involved the word penetrate, I’m going to ask you to sit the fuck down.
I’m really fucking sick of hearing about contraception as if the only thing we’re trying to protect ourselves from are babies.
I’m also really fucking sick of only hearing about condoms.
I want to hear more about:
- dental dams (or even how to turn condoms into dental dams)
- latex gloves (you know in case you have a cut on your hand but would still like to pleasure your partner)
- lube (why the fuck aren’t we talking about lube??)
HOLY SHIT WHY AREN’T WE TALKING ABOUT CONSENT?!?!?!
And not just between straight folks. I mean between EVERYONE. For EVERYTHING. It isn’t safe sex if you use a condom but didn’t get enthusiastic consent (that’s called rape…).
Also, RAPE DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN WITH A PENIS. Why aren’t we talking about that?
And just to put this into perspective, a lot of fucking things don’t require penises.
I want to hear less about penises and more about pleasure and communication and understanding and respect. I’d prefer that if you don’t know how to ask your partner what they want and how they want it, that you go take that fucking condom off. If you can’t talk with your partner in a mature and respectful way about sex and wants and needs and triggers and boundaries than you shouldn’t be having sex.
But where is that conversation? Especially for the LGBTQ+ community?
Oh my dear straight ally so committed to safe sex and healthy relationships, do you think that LGBTQ+ folk are immune to abusive relationships? Do you think that those relationships have the same issues as straight relationships? Did you even think about LGBTQ+ people and their needs and wants? I’m betting you forgot about us.
I’m so sick of all of this heterosexist, cissexist, borderline misogynistic bullshit I hear in the safe sex and healthy relationship conversation.
Where are the conversations for navigating relationships with partners with different value systems? Or navigating the relationship between a straight person and a pan or bisexual person (because trust me that is a whole trough of complicated fuckery)?
Dear straight person, I’m also assuming that you’re monogamous. Have you even considered that not everyone abides by monogamy? That some people identify as polyamorous which makes our safe sex and healthy relationships look different from yours?
If there are so many different needs and wants and problems and questions that are outside of the heterosexual cis-stem, why the FUCK do I have to keep hearing the needs and wants and problems and questions of cis-gendered heteros?
Stop perpetuating this bullshit. I’m sick of it.
I’m especially sick and tired of it when people TELL YOU that you’re being heteronormative. When your ideas and programs are fucking called out for being heterosexist!
Yet you do nothing.
Even though you claim to be so open minded and an ally.
If you aren’t going to do the work, then stop calling yourself an ally. You’re an embarrassment for the rest of the allies that actually give a fuck and put in the work.
You can’t be committed to equality if you never even consider (especially when you’re called out on it) how your actions and words and even your presence and the amount of space you take up and the fact that you monopolize a conversation that you aren’t even part of but now you’re in it because you barged in and just sat down acting like you own it…. how all of that shit I have to see and deal with is actually harmful.
At first, I wanted to help you out. I wanted you to get better. I believe in the human capacity to change, and I still think that one day you will change. But you aren’t. You’re stagnant. And until you change completely and for the better, imma ask you to get the fuck out because you are suffocating me with your heterosexist, monogamist privileged, straight ass.
Take your condoms and your basic ass and leave me the hell alone.
Written by Lindsey Dennis
Originally posted on her blog