Advice: Old Friends, Alcoholism, and Rough Sex
Hello from Nashua, New Hampshire, everyone!
I don’t feel like taking a picture of myself thinking hard (I’m in pajamas and last night’s makeup is smeared all over my face), so instead here are some pictures of world leaders thinking hard. They’re not thinking about your problems, but don’t worry–I’ve thought just as hard about your problems.
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I met a boy almost a couple of years ago, and we started talking a lot and he liked me (he was the first boy to ever like me…) and I liked him, but nothing really happened. So, after a while we stopped talking so much and I thought I had forgotten about him but one day he sent me a message to know how I was doing, and it all began again. The problem is, I know for sure he has a girlfriend but he won’t tell me, so I don’t know what he wants from me…I’m scared to tell him that I know he’s with someone else because I like him and I don’t want him to stop talking to me…I really don’t know what to do! – MM
Well, forget about what he wants from you and think about what you want from him. Do you want him to be your friend? There’s nothing that says that he can’t talk to you and be your friend if he has a girlfriend. (Several of my closest friends are dudes with girlfriends.) Do you want to hook up with him? It sounds to me like that’s what he wants from you. Do you want to date him? It’s very possible that his relationship is on the rocks (for whatever reason), and he’s talking to you as part of his emotional distancing himself from her, and they will break up and the groundwork will be laid for the two of you to begin something.
But the fact that he isn’t being upfront is kind of a red flag. Again, I’m going to put this in a context of what you want. Do you think that you’ll be able to eventually start a relationship with him, knowing that he was talking to you for a period time before the dissolution of his current relationship? Will you be able to trust him when he’s on Facebook? Or when he gets a text message and doesn’t immediately tell you who its from? Part of any early relationship is laying the foundation of trust.
And if he just wants to hook up, and you’re cool with that, I’m not going to tell you to do it or not to do it. I personally find cheating to be extremely unethical, and I’m not comfortable aiding someone else cheating. But in the end, that’s a choice you have to make for yourself. He’s the one who might make the choice to cheat, not you. It wouldn’t be “on you.”
Personally, I would take the route of just trying to be friends. I know that the first person who ever (explicitly) liked you will always hold a special place in your memories, but don’t let the sentimentality make your choices for you.
My boyfriend is extremely successful and motivated. He’s skyrocketing up the career ladder, treats me wonderfully, is thinking about buying a house. But on Saturdays he gets so drunk and I think he has an alcohol problem! – SF
Maybe he has an alcohol problem, and maybe he’s a hard worker who likes to blow off steam on Saturdays and, forgetting that he’s not in college anymore, blows off a little too much steam. There are plenty of people who enjoy drinking, but prioritize it after things like work and relationships (which it seems like he does.) When you say drunk, do you mean acting silly drunk, or do you mean pissing-himself drunk? If he needs to be cared for on the regular, maybe having a gentle talk with him would be worth it.
If the talk doesn’t go well, and you really suspect that this is more than social drinking gone out of hand (some people just do not know their own limits), I’d highly recommend you point out Al-Anon, a resource for the friends and families of problem drinkers. I think it’s interesting that they use the term problem drinkers. People can be very hostile to the idea of being labeled an alcoholic, but if you can demonstrate how his drinking is causing a problem (and if it’s a problem in your relationship, it’s a problem), he’s a problem drinker.
Note: I’m not an addiction counselor and I have no formal training in dealing with alcoholism, but some life advice.
My boyfriend likes rough sex, anal sex, handcuffs, etc. I love him and I try, but I just don’t like it. Is our relationship doomed? -WE
It’s totally fine to be sexually satisfied in different ways–neither of you are “wrong.” That’s what makes conflicts like this so hard, because you both deserve to be sexually fulfilled and not to be forced to have sex that makes you unhappy in the name of “compromise.” I don’t want to say that you should break up–that’s up to you–but sex is important for relationships. You two need to be very honest with yourselves and with each other–is this going to be something that you hold against each other? It might be something that you guys can overcome by both being generous and putting the other’s desires first (at times.) But it could also make you both hate sex and resent each other. If you think it’s the latter, then yes, your relationship is probably doomed. (Your sexual relationship, at least–obviously you have compatible personalities, so hopefully you can get a lifelong friend out of it!)
Written by Jess Mary Aloe
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May 22, 2013
May 21, 2013